Hello all my wonderful readers out there in cyberspace. Today’s topic is Amazon Beast-Women. First off, let me clarify things…I don’t have a problem with tall women. Or big women. Or even tall, big women for that matter. You all are cool as far as I’m concerned. My problem is when you see a vertically-challenged dude like myself(5’8″) and try to assert your dominance over a motherfucker.
I have two stories. I’ll start off with last night. A couple of ladies I know were celebrating their birthday, and we all met up at a strip club to drink and look at women do ungodly acts like making baseball bats fit in places that you would not believe…LOL. So when I’m coming through the door, I see my old barber in there. We talked for awhile, and I remembered that he frequents grimy spots like that on a regular basis. After that, everybody sat down, drank, and chilled.
Then, this HUGE 6’3″ stripper comes onstage to do her act. When she needed someone to take onstage, guess who she chose. Yep. The 5’8″ nigga with the office work clothes on who was trying to play the background. So I tried telling her that it was the girls’ birthdays so that she would go after them, but she was like “Nah nigga, I wat YOU up here!” She pulled my arm so hard, I had flashbacks to being a child and having my mom pull my arm like that just before I’d get an ass whupping LOL.
So she grinds on me, then literally puts me on my back on the floor and took of my belt. All the while, I’m like “This chick is REALLY holding me down with one hand!” All awestruck and shit…LOL.
The emcee knew what was about to happen. HE was like “I hope you have a pair of clean draws in the car”. I was thinking to myself “Why would he say this?” Then I found out. This bohemoth of a woman put both of her hand on the small of my back, and ripped a giant hole in the back of my boxers with her TEETH! At that point, I was thinking “Oh shit! This bitch is gonna take my booty, jailhouse style! Someone help me pleeeeeeeeeze!!!” So since she was on top of me, I had no choice but to lay there while she put a cup of ice on my ass, licked my ass crease, rolled me over and put her mouth on my johnson through the part of my boxers that was still intact, and then let me up. It was funny as hell, but at the same time, I was thinking that this woman could very well beat the living shit outta me if I pissed her off.
Afterwards, I found out that my barber set me up and told her to pick me to go onstage…LOL. He said he wanted me to have fun to repay me for some good advice that I gave him last year. It was funny, but I’m gonna get his ass back. I don’t know how I can top that prank, but I will somehow.
The second story is my WNBA one. I was at this dive bar in DC that I go to from time to time…
Actually, I go there more than just from time to time. My picture is on the wall in that bitch, so I’m like the Norm Peterson or Cliff Claven of that bitch. But that’s neither here nor there. One night, around 11 or 12, about five 6 foot tall and over ladies roll in there together. They’re looking all masculine and thugged-out…I even think one had a goatee and pork chop sideburns pencilled in. The ringleader was the biggest one. She looked like Karl Malone with a perm, all diesel on some Arnold Swartza-nigga shit. She had a fine girl with her though.
So then in walks Chamique Holdsclaw from the Washington Mystics with another 6 foot woman. It’s then that I realize that these must be WNBA players, or at least the folks that they practice against. When Chamique walks over near where I am and goes to the bar right in front of me, Karla Malone decides to slap her on her ass really hard with her big, ball crushing man-hands. So naturally, she looks at me like I did it. Then the four that were at the bar who didn’t see anything but heard the slap all turned at me and looked at me like they wanted to take it outside. I had my hands in my jacket pockets at the time, so I said “Don’t look at me. My hands are in my pocket.”
That’s when Karla Malone started laughing and gave her a hug telling her it was her. I was like “Let me get the fuck out of here before these big butch bitches try to kill me again.” Now, I don’t hit women, but if Karla Malone or any two of the others had attacked me, I might have been able to handle myself and whup that ass. If I had to fight all seven of those big 6 foot tall, husky, bench-pressing, chest hair-having, Macho Man Savage looking chicks, that would have been my ass. I would have lost my dignity, my self-respect, and most likely all of my teeth and the use of my legs LOL. Thankfully, it didn’t come to that.
So nowadays, I’m drinking milk and working out in a effort to overpower the next WWF wrestler looking woman who tries to manhandle me. I might have to hire a female bodyguard or some shit like that LOL. Wish me luck everyone.
Leon
Tweet
Hassan again…
If they had whupped your ass you coulda at least made them laugh at the end by saying, “They shoulda never gave you niggets money!!!”
Maybe they’d have seen the humor in it and stopped beating your ass… even if for just a second.
PS- Tall women are awesome.
Goddamn man!
I could imagine the headlines!
Local man Leon Hustleman was brutally attacked by 6 behemoth women as he tried to pay his tab at his neighborhood bar. Be on the lookout for 6 women who may in fact be men!
Only you and Max does stuff like this happen to!
Sig said…
Okay about the post thing — you need to download a haloscan comments section. It’s http://www.haloscan.com.
And you are DEAD wrong for the Brandy/Cicada thing. Why did I pass that on with my mother, and she shared it with her job?!? (You should have an ungodly amount of hits today). Lol@ the strip club story. That’s some funny ish!
So, I’ve been laughing my ass off for about 10 minutes now. I’m loving your page. My friend Rainmayun has your page linked on his, but this is the first time I’ve gotten around to looking at it. Very creative.
Thanks everybody :)
@ Curvy, what is the url to Rainmayun’s page? I didn’t even know he had a blog. Knowing him, I know it has to be funny…He’s probably complaining about stuff LOL.
@ Cal, so Max gets accosted by plus-size women also? LMAO
*DEAD*
Ok, this is my first time here… I’m laughing my ass off right now!! Definitely comin’ back, lol.
Gotdamn it Leon…now I have Tahitian Treat all over my computer screen. *LMAO*
I was dying laughing at the strip club story. I know Keisa and Nat were just about dead after that. Hahahahahaaa oh shit…man.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever been to my blog. Prolly not cause there’s no comment from you from the lil post I made about you. Hahahaa Check that shit out, homie.
http://www.blurty.com/~grayish_green
-Monica
just glad i was there to see it……
—guess who?!
hint.. i’m the newest memeber added to the list that seen your ass. LOL
LMAO! OMG! That is ridiculous…that’s making all tall ladies look bad…now i’m about 5’10-5’11, but i dont act like that…and my mama is 6’3 and she’s very feminine..she is strong though, lol, but LMAO that stripper one is FUNNY, hecky naw…you better start taking protein shakes or something, lol…