Christian Bachelor Party

I hope the Lord doesn’t strike me down for this one…

This past weekend, my friend K got married. As a groomsman in his wedding, and as his boy, it was my duty to help make sure he had a great time amidst all the pre-wedding chaos. Me and my boys E and Wade did the best we could, but unfortunately, things didn’t go the way we planned…

First off, the folks from his church threw him a “Christian Bachelor Party” on Thursday, the night before Wade and K’s brothers(the other groomsmen) got into town. It was me, E, and a bunch of deacons and assistant pastors talking to K about his wedding, marriage, love, and life. It was enlightening to hear that many positive brothers giving K good adivce. The bad thing is, once we started offering speeches and individual comments to the groom-to-be, it took FOREVER. When Church folk say “I’m going to say something real quick”, that means “I’m going to talk, ramble, and pray for about a half-hour and if you interrupt me, God will strike you down.”

My speech didn’t even take two minutes. Here’s a transcript:
“When K first told me that he was getting married, the first thought that went through my head was ‘This nigga done gone crazy! What are you doing?! Come on, maaaaan!?!?’ Now that I’ve seen him and Summer(his wife) together and watched them grow as a couple, I’m really happy for him and proud. Congratulations!”

There it is. Now I don’t see why 80% of the other brothers there had to be all long-winded. We were literally there until the resturant told us to leave. That’s what finally got them to cut to the chase and get to their respective points. Plus, I didn’t even want to drink or tell stories about K’s wild partying past for fear of getting a lecture from Deacon Ed Pesos or Rev. Creflo Dollar Bill, Jr.

The ListenToLeon Swagger Scale Review of the Christian Bachelor Party

Now, the ACTUAL bachelor party…When me, E, and Wade wanted to recapture the type of night we all used to have when we’d hang out. K used to be the 4th member of the crew. We were like the 4 Horsemen from wrestling…K was the one that ALWAYS wanted to hang out in thr club and chase women. So we figured we’d go somewhere with some female scenery and drink. Since I knew that K has gone the Holy Roller route, I didn’t want to get strippers to put their titties in his face or anything like that. I figured a nice night at Dream nightclub would send K out right.

We got to the hotel room, and K, his brothers, and his boy Reg were acting like they didn’t want to go out. K said “Let’s just go to the movies, or stay in and watch the Olympics”

I was like “Fool are you SERIOUS! It’s your last night of freedom before you legally become Summer’s bitch. You better get up and party!”

After more convincing speeches like that, we got him to at least go downstairs to the TGIFridays. After a few drinks, he wanted to go out, but he was still scared to go to Dream since he ALWAYS used to act up whenever he went there. So as a result, we ended up bar-hopping in Ashburn, VA within a 5 mile radius of the hotel, since he was scared to go too far from the hotel. In Ashburn, there are not very many black people, and there are toll roads all over the place. So as you can probably tell, we got bored and frustrated pretty quickly. It got to the point that K and all of the other goomsmen wanted to go home. We just dropped them off at the hotel then went back to Fridays to drink some more and talk about their punk asses. Summer must have some serious game, because he didn’t even WANT to act up on his last night before he losing his freedom papers.

At least the actual wedding was nice. Plenty of pretty women and good food. K is going to be mad when he sees the wedding pictures, though. I say this because I looked DAMN good in my tux. I had to steal the spotlight like Mr. Bentley! When they get the photos back from the photographer, I’ll put some up so you all can see.