I Am A BLACKNECK.
Posted by ListenToLeon on
January 28, 2005
A couple of days ago, a thread was started on the www.kthxbi.com messageboard that Resha runs. The subject was “What Shit Makes You Ghetto” or something to that effect. Then, I hear this commercial on the radio for a comedy showcase in town featuring Katt Williams(the guy who played Money Mike the pimp in “Friday After Next”). He was doing a play off of Jeff Foxworthy’s “You may be a redneck” bit entitled “You MIGHT be a blackneck.”
The combination of hearing that commercial and reading that thread got me to thinking…I really AM a blackneck. Here is a partial list of shit that I’ve done fairly recently:
Taken someone on a “date” to watch bootleg DVDs at my place. Then tried to sell the DVDs to her for $10 each, or 3 for $25 – Hell, I had to try and move those copies of Fat Albert and Coach Carter before my distributor/downstairs neighbor got mad.
Opened the oven door while it was on to heat the apartment – When it gets really cold, the heat over here works when it wants to. Desperate times call for desperate gotdamn measures.
Watered-down WATER – See HERE
Literally pissed out my window cause the toilet’s broke – I could have used my roommate’s toilet or manually flushed mine, but it was 3am, and for some reason I had the urge to try and write my name in the snow from the 3rd floor last week. It looked more like “Lego” than “Leon,” but I tried.
Attempted to fix said toilet with a coat-hanger – That method worked for awhile, but I ended up breaking the shit even worse than it was before.
Got mad because the carry-out forgot to put Mambo sauce on my chicken wings – You pretty much have to be from the DC area to even know what the fuck Mambo Sauce is…but yeah. They forgot that shit.
Printed out e-mails and waited in a long-ass line to get into a nightclub strictly for the free buffet or an open bar – I did this shit yesterday. Got a nice buzz and full stomach FO’ CHEAP.
Made up words – I do this in at least every other blog I write. If you don’t believe me, read some of my older entries. It’s a spagnanamous amount of made up words.
Wore clothing or accessories that were bought at the liquor store – Just a plain grey skully to keep the cold wind off my head. Don’t worry…It’s not like I bought a Burberry print T shirt, Louis Vuitton patterned doo rag, or the cheap ass sun shades the guy in the previous blog entry had on.
Read the police reports in the newspaper to make sure no one I know or went to school with got arrested that day – I only do this when I’m back home in Fredericksburg.
Save unused condiments from resturants – Hell, Chick-Fil-A has some kick-ass barbeque sauce. Plus, you never know when you might need some emergency Texas Pete or Kikkoman soy sauce.
Hell, save unused napkins too – It’s cold and flu season. This habit keeps you all from having to see me walking around with a snotty nose like Little Roscoe from “Martin”
The sad thing is, I can come up with more stuff, but I’m starting to wonder if I should feel guilty about being a blackneck(I don’t), or should I embrace my blackneck heritage(I don’t do that, either). Once again, I will end this with the two words that are the motto of blacknecks everywhere: Fuck it.
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27 Responses to “I Am A BLACKNECK.”
ROFLMAO!!! This shit is wild!! But that Martin shit had me cryin! I forgot about his big ass in that mis-buttoned jacket playin Roscoe…
By The Brutha Code on Jan 28, 2005
what spot be having the buffet and open bar nowadays? i need to be there.
i’ve been seeing some CRAZY stuff on the metro up here lately.
like, when i ride the bus there’s a lot of kids from Northwestern, and i be seeing oh so many girls kissing each other and they be on the metro talking about eating puss.
and from the way they talk about it, they’re very experienced at it. they got techniques they use, and finishing moves and the like (might as well call the moves fatalities – a la mortal kombat)
lastly, i haven’t had better mambo sauce than jerry’s by howard. you’re libel (is that a word?) to see a crackhead and 2 dimes within 30 seconds of each other, and you just as libel to see said crackhead try to hit on the dimes and if that doesn’t work, ask them for money.
By Anonymous on Jan 28, 2005
ROFLMAO you are a hot mess… That is hilarious!!! I remember when you did this:
Attempted to fix said toilet with a coat-hangerI believe you blogged about it.
As for the buffet email – please, please, please don’t sleep on that. LOL… I have done it a gabillion times and there is no shame in my game!!!
This was hilarious!!! As usual.
By Zantiferous3 on Jan 28, 2005
lmao…
I didn’t even pay attentin to Roscoe’s jacket until dude above mentioned it, lmao…
Leon, you stupid, lol…but you’re not alone
Printed out e-mails and waited in a long-ass line to get into a nightclub strictly for the free buffet or an open barSiobhan
By Anonymous on Jan 28, 2005
Printing out free passes and waiting on line for free food and an open bar is not blackneck..It’s smart. Save that liquor money for later.
By E to the dwige on Jan 28, 2005
There is a reason you have the Hustleman moniker man!!!
Sounds like a fun thread….
*goes off in the corner and CRIES*
By The Killa Himself aka Ron Mexico on Jan 28, 2005
Oh HAYULL no! Cuurrry out wings with no sauce? I know you were pissed…however, if you are a TRUE DC urrea resident, you made your own. I do that at restaurants all the time….hot sauce, ketchup, a little sugar. It may not be exactly the same, but it will do the trick!!
By Rhapsodi on Jan 28, 2005
Leon, you ARE ghetto, but it’s all good.
I suggest listening to Sticky Fingaz’s “Ghetto” to further educate yourself on the art of Ghettotry…LOL!
For your reading pleasure, here are the lyrics:
Ghetto – by Sticky Fingaz
[Sticky Fingaz - talking]
If your head is as big as Shamello’s
If your bank is the check cashin place
If you put on panty-hose instead of shavin your legs
If you use grease that you used over and over again
If you only go to church on Easter and holidays
Then you ghetto, believe that
[Chorus - Petey Pablo]
Can you be rich and be ghetto? (Yep)
And just cause you poor do that mean that you ghetto? (Nope)
So people don’t understand what it mean to be ghetto
And if you gonna ask then you probably never know
[Sticky Fingaz (Petey Pablo)]
Bein’ ghetto, it’s just the things we do sometimes
Like hangin your clothes on the oven to dry
But you late, you gotta go and they ain’t ready yet
(You put ‘em on anyway, and rock ‘em halfway wet)
First you wear then return everything you buy
Always lookin’ for a discount ’til the day you die
Got three kids, by three different guys
(And all they need to give you is a Mai Tai and a shot)
You know you ghetto when you use a wrench for a channel changer
No antenna, you gotta use a metal hanger
Drink from the container and put it back in the fridge
(Knowin damn well the shit was wrong you did)
Put salt on your food, before you even taste it
Get a doggy bag, ghetto niggaz ain’t wastin shit
You know you ghetto, no, you know you grimy
(When you iron dirty pants ’til them shits get shiny)
[Chorus 2x]
[Sticky Fingaz (Petey Pablo)]
The ghetto’s not a place, it don’t matter what color you are
You can be white as chalk or as black as tar
And it really don’t matter how much money you have
(You can live on Fifth Ave. and be ghetto fab)
You know you ghetto when your soap is the size of Chicklet
Run into the kitchen wet for dishwashin’ liquid
The water cold cause they shut off all your power
(You know you ghetto if you pee in the shower)
No toilet paper, somebody used the last you had
No problem, just get a Daily News or a paper bag
Ball it up and crumble it, make it soft in your ass
(But when you flush, the toilet always gets stopped up)
And if you got the money, the landlord never get it
We never pay the rent, yo we almost got evicted
If this shit is funny or offendin you
(Chances are, it’s because you’re ghetto too)
[chorus 2x]
Can you be rich and be ghetto (3x)
And if you gotta ask then you’ll probably never know
Ghetto
East Coast is the ghetto
West Coast is the ghetto
South Side is the ghetto
Everywhere is the ghetto
The ghetto
The ghetto
The ghetto
I’ll probably die, in the ghetto..
By Miss Rei on Jan 28, 2005
Funny as hell. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t keep condiments from restaurants…
By Liza Valentino on Jan 29, 2005
Great. Now I am questioning my neck color.
By ~kimberly~ on Jan 29, 2005
I’ll file this under the funniest post of the month. I wouldn’t call you a “blackneck”, just a bit “thrifty”. Most of your qualifiers seem cost effective as well, Black people just know how to economize a little better that’s all. – Boogs
By Anonymous on Jan 29, 2005
I’m 6 out of a 12 on the blackneck traits you have listed…so I guess that makes me 50% blackneck according to your list. Naw I’m kidding…lol.
…but to answer your question at the end…yes, you should DEFINITELY embrace your blackneckness with pride. Definitely! I do. Mmmm? ok…”blackneckness”…well, I guess that makes me 7 out of 12 now, lol. :)
By Dayrell on Jan 30, 2005
LOL… damn! I identify with way too much shit on that list. And that picture on the profile thingie? “I’ll slap the shit out of you”??? LMAO DAMN… You kilt me with that!
By MiniMee on Jan 31, 2005
LMAO!! I feel you on the BBQ sauce from Chic-Fil-A, but PEEING out of the window!!! You must have been drunk. LOL You are a fool :)
By c-breezy on Jan 31, 2005
LMAO!!yeah, my “blackneck” definitive moment:
when i came back home and heard that my 9th grade boyfriend was in jail for 25 to life (shooting at an officer ….dayum!!) i just didnt know how to classify it then..but now i know, and knowing is half the battle. LOL.
btw…they forgot your mombo sauce and you didnt drive back and get it???shit, you can’t have the 5-piece chicken wing w/o the mumbo sauce!
By Shan on Jan 31, 2005
I had a blackneck experience this weekend man…
So my friends got a dog…first of all you aren’t allowed to have a dog in our apartment building so that in and of itself is “blackneck”…..but said doggy took a dump in the apartment…and my boy was too lazy to throw the plastic bag he put it in down in the dumpster, so he opened the window and threw it out….still in the bag mind you…but still…that was fucking awful…and blackneck as hell!!
By The Killa Himself aka Ron Mexico on Jan 31, 2005
Attempted to fix said toilet with a coat-hanger – That method worked for awhile, but I ended up breaking the shit even worse than it was before.
Haaaaa. I remember the post when you was all proud of fixing the toilet with the coat hanger too. lol. Dang. You and your McGyver antics. *smh* lol
By Sway on Jan 31, 2005
“Got mad because the carry-out forgot to put Mambo sauce on my chicken wings -”
Muhahahahaha! WHAT?!? I’m not laughing because I don’t know what the heck you’re talkin’ bout. But…because I was just discussing damn Mambo sauce the other day with one of my girlfriends I went to HU with. To this day, I have yet to figure out what the fuck mambo sauce is. Between that and the salt, pepper, ketchup on my damn fries BEFORE I actually pick up my damn to go order. It wasn’t until after the first time they asked me if I wanted salt, pepper, ketchup at completion of order that I realized that they weren’t talkin’ bout puttin that shit on the side. They put that shit on your damn fries for you! Damn! WTF? “Ya’ll ain’t got no salt, pepper, ketchup packages?!?” Damn! I’d be mad cuz my damn fries would be all soggy and shii. ARGH! Uh…you need to figure out what EXACTLY is in Mambo sauce and report back to me. Funny…I always thought mambo sauce was spelled mumbo sauce. Maybe it is in NW DC where I frequented Howard China.
By Brown Shuga on Jan 31, 2005
I don’t know what mambo sauce is but the shit sounds good.
I never had a date try and sell me DVDs but I have had one guy pop open the trunk and ask if I wantd to buy a fake Coach or Gucci bag.
Tsk. He could have at least given me one for free.
By Mary on Jan 31, 2005
Peace.
_____hilarious beyond recognition______
By ...of the work.... on Jan 31, 2005
i heard about that mambo sauce. in chicago, we got harold’s chicken “mild sauce”. you crack me up :)
By Sivad on Feb 1, 2005
I am too…I’ll keep you posted
By G. Cornelius Harris on Feb 1, 2005
Funny shit man..lol
By The Humanity Critic on Feb 1, 2005
My Lord! I loved to read and happened upon your blog just bloghopping…you are truly hilarious. I can’t believe you made me laugh out loud literally. Thanks for that!
Peace, Keish! kidan.blogs.com
By Anonymous on Feb 1, 2005
“Opened the oven door while it was on to heat the apartment – When it gets really cold, the heat over here works when it wants to. Desperate times call for desperate gotdamn measures.”
hey man…i do that everymorning…its the only way i get up outta bed to get to class
By rcknrobin on Dec 3, 2005
Opened the oven door while it was on to heat the apartment–I still do this sometimes. Livin’ over the ‘feild taught me that.
Read the police reports in the newspaper to make sure no one I know or went to school with got arrested that day–Still read it and see people I know. I read the indictments too.
Save unused condiments from resturants –Especially from Chic-Fil-A.
I guess I’m a blackneck.
By Tiffanye on Jul 4, 2009
Oops! I meant to say “Livin’ over the ‘FIELD taught me that. But I guess it didn’t teach me to spell, huh? LOL
By Tiffanye on Jul 4, 2009