The Revolution Will Not Be Televised(Thank God)
Posted by ListenToLeon on
March 12, 2005
Before I begin, I must first acknowledge that I have been putting a lot of folks on blast over these past few months. From Gerald the Waterboy..to my Stepfather’s relatives…to the women who wouldn’t have sex with me in high school…to the Guardian Panther motherfucker at McDonalds. Well, today’s story is no different, except names and faces will be changed to protect the innocent.
Today, I went over to a friend of mine’s apartment where I swore never to go again. The reason I swore off ever entering that place is because I saw two roaches there. Not just any kind of roaches, but big ass Jose Canseco steroid roaches. Roaches with “Thug Life” tatted on their chests. The kind of roaches that you refer to by name so as not to piss them off.
So since that encounter with Ernest and Charles the roaches, I kept my distance. In an ideal world, I would have been safely shielded from ever having to deal with those motherfuckers again. Alas, I felt bad for “Oprah”, one of the two actual human tenants in that apartment. I agreed to help her clean up her place so that she could get an exterminator to come by. BIG mistake.
As I was cleaning in the kitchen, I noticed that more roaches were scurrying for safety each time I aprayed the cleaning solution. It made me think…If I actually had bug spray, maybe I could kill ALL of those bastards and save Oprah money on the exterminator. So after a quick trip to the grocery store, I came back fully armed with one of those big ass cans of Raid ant and roach killer. When I started spraying the crevices where I figured they’d be, I didn’t know I would stir up a revolution.
They rode on a motherfucker. Those roaches came out of nowhere waving “Vive LE REVOLUTION!” flags, wearing black hoodies and bandanas over their faces. Apparently, they weren’t trying to let me run up in their hood and take over. They jumped out that motherfucker like a police van making a drug bust. I was spraying Raid all over the kitchen killing motherfuckers like Al Pacino at the end of Scarface. Roaches were literally falling to their death from out of the walls on to the countertops. It was like “Joe’s Apartment” meets “Braveheart” in there. Or better yet, I felt like one of the characters from “Starship Troopers” since these bugs were just as relentless. I was lucky to make it out untouched. Unbelievably, the worst part of the ordeal lie ahead…
Once I gave it to those motherfuckers, I had to remove the bodies from the battlefield. Plus, all that Raid started to take it’s toll on me physically. My nose would not stop running, and I felt a little lightheaded. It could have been the End of The Hustleman. I could be tap dancing with Sammy Davis Jr. and Gregory Hines right now. Luckily, I’m a survivor. No can of Raid is gonna get the best of me. However, I am experiencing post war truamatic symptoms similar to Gulf War syndrome. everytime an object gently brushes against me, I twich and put my hand there thinking something is crawling on me. I am also probably going to have a nightmare tonight about “La Resistance De Cucaracha” and the horrors of war. At least that battle finally got “Oprah” to call an exterminator. It may be her, or it may be someone else in her building bringing those fuckers in, but as long at the professionals kill them, I don’t care.
All this made me realize that I am not cut out for “Fear Factor” despite the trash I talk watching that show. Joe Rogan, you can have that shit.
Oh yeah, I want to send a shout out to the most beautiful, wonderful, sexiest, coolest bartender over at “Cheers” since she actually got around to reading this site :)
That was quite n*ggerish of me, wasn’t it? I’ll try refrain from making shout outs next time I write.
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18 Responses to “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised(Thank God)”
ewwwww…that’s some nasty ish…
By SunShyn on Mar 13, 2005
lol, normally I am able to “ghost read” and be on my merry way, but DAMNNNNN I was NOT ready for “vive le resistance!”
lol… SO not ready… and still giggling
By Deah on Mar 13, 2005
A valiant effort, Leon. Sigh.
By Mary on Mar 13, 2005
I applaud your efforts. Most folks would have turned tail and ran. You are a true friend. A wise man realizes the limit of his capabilities and leaves the job to the professionals.
By Sage on Mar 13, 2005
ewwww! Now that was nasty..Thanks for taking one for the team and living to blog about it.
By E to the dwige on Mar 13, 2005
Once again… Thanks for the laugh! Glad you made it out alive… Hopefully u don’t have any long term effects from the Raid. :)
By coley on Mar 13, 2005
I’ll be damned if I will ever be a good enough friend to go and fight some damn roaches! Leon, you my man, are a GOOD one.
By Liza Valentino on Mar 13, 2005
You’re a better man than I. My ass woulda bought the raid and told “Oprah” to celebrate her inner spirit by her damn self.
By Hassan on Mar 14, 2005
See the problem is that you completely underestimated the roaches. They have probably fought battles before. Probably won them. Your best bet would be to give up the fight and help your friend find a new spot.
I hope you shook your clothes out before you went back home because you know they like to catch a ride to new territory.
By Kajuana on Mar 14, 2005
You should be lucky that you didn’t have to encounter the flying species of roach. If they had taken to the air, your ass woulda been thru…
By The Brutha Code on Mar 14, 2005
OMG…YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING!!!
Who is this chic? I, my friend, would’ve been outta there at the first sight of something crawling! Kajuana’s right, I hope you shook out your shit…they WILL catch a ride home with YOU!! I remember this girl braiding my hair that had ridiculous roaches…I kept my purse in my lap the whole time! Thinking to myself, “These motherfuckas ain’t going home with me!!”
By Tamara on Mar 14, 2005
I can’t stand roaches. Even if I know one’s around and not see it and I can still feel it crawling
By vagitis on Mar 14, 2005
I FREAKIN needed that laugh! I had tears rolling down my face! ahhhhh that did my soul some good. Since everything has been said about the roach battle. I will touch on the shameless plug to the bar keep that you are trying to get booty from! Good move if it works!!!
You go Leon!
Myrah
By Myrah on Mar 15, 2005
WTF… imagine “Oprah” with a housefull of Viva Le Revoluciones running rampid…. Straight up and down trifling…. imagine you fighting a damn rodent that got “Thug Life” inked on their chests… that was a classic line. Leon, you can host you own damn show on the Comedy Network… you that damn crazy and comical
By Jersey Girl on Mar 15, 2005
@ Sunshn, yep it was.
@ Deah, Welcome! Thanks for commenting :)
@ Mary, I’m too legit to quit…LOL
@ Sage, Very true.
@ Edwidge, I’m glad I made it out alive too.
@ Coley, I am fine now, thankfully.
@ Soulfularies, Thanks. I try.
LMAO @ Hassan
@ Kujuana, I shook the hell out of everything. I wanted NO reminders of that shit.
@ Brutha, if they were airborne(like some of the ones I saw at gym at Hampton), I would not have lived to type this shit…LOL
LOL @ Tamara…I had no stow-aways in my stuff.
@ Vagitis, I am the same way.
@ Myrah, it probably won’t now that you called me out…But I’m glad game recognizes game LOL
@ Jersey, I was incorrect…the roaches had “Bug Life” tatted on their chests, not “Thug Life.” My bad for the typo :)
By Hustleman on Mar 15, 2005
That is the funniest shit I have read on a blog. “Vive le Revolution”. I was laughing my ass off.
By Dina on Mar 15, 2005
You’re a better person than I, hustleman. If it were me, half of my time over there would have been spent jumping up and down, screaming like a little bitch. :)
Word to the wise. Drop “Oprah” and find a friend that won’t make you hang out with roach carcasses.
By Curvy on Mar 18, 2005
Had that would’ve been me, I would have jumped out of a window willingly risking my life to get away from the roach army. I gotta give it up to you, you’re one brave man.
By Dark Angel on Mar 22, 2005