This post is dedicated to mothers everywhere. I kind of feel bad since this will be the first time in a long time that I will miss seeing my mom and my grandmother on mother’s day. In light of these circumstances, I am going to post two stories about Mom and Grandma beating the black off of me.
Seriously, they really did. I was Wesley Snipes’ complexion back when I was 4 years old. No bullshit.
Heh heh heh :)
But yeah, on to the stories. The first happened back when I was around 8 years old. I wanted to play a joke on Grandma, and I knew she was scared of snakes. So me, being the young asshole in training that I was, I put one of my rubber snake toys in a tree branch and tied a thin rope to it so I could pull it down. My young ass wasn’t thinking about Grandma’s high blood pressure, or her amazing speed for someone her age. Those proved to be two critical oversights on my part.
Once I pulled the snake down, it had the desired effect. Once I started laughing, the effect was not the one I expected. Grandma had a look in her eye that let me know that I had truly fucked up to the highest magnitude of fucked-upedness. She yelled out “BOY YOU DONE GOT MY BLOOD PRESSURE UP!!! GO GET A SWITCH!!!”
So I grabbed the nearest, most sickly looking tree branch I could find. Grandma was like “No, that ain’t big enough” then ripped down a tree branch and took the leaves off in one swift motion. Next she proceeded to give me a thrashing that would make folks in Singapore raise their eyebrows and cheer in approval. I never tried to scare Grandma again.
I can’t remember if I posted about the Slick Rick episode, but here goes. A few years after the snake incident, my older cousin Kim and her son Bryan came to live with us. Bryan was a year older than me, but was one of the wildest people I’ve ever met. To this day, I bring up old antics he did to folks and laugh at how crazy he was. Well, Bryan made me a copy of “The Great Adventures Of Slick Rick” on cassette. Now for folks that weren’t around back then, you’ve all probably heard the radio friendly songs from that album, like “A Children’s Story”, “Mona Lisa” and “Hey Young World”. Well, the rest of that album had songs with titles like “Treat Her Like A Prostitute” and “Lick The Balls.”
So one day Mom, Kim, Bryan and I were all in the car on the way back from an outlet mall. Folks began to complain about Mom constantly playing the same Alexander O’Neal tape every time we get in the car. I guess hearing “She’s A FAKE” about 80 times will do that to you. Mom, to paraphrase another song by Mr. O’Neal, said that “All You Ever Do Is Criticize”, then asked if we had anything else to play. Guess what Bryan puts in the tape deck…?
Yep. Right on the song “Indian Girl.” A song where Slick Rick raps about doing it to a woman who gave him crabs…And trust me, that was a very tame description of the song. So mom asked “Whose tape it this?” and Bryan and I pointed to each other. Needless to say, Mom whipped my ass and took my tape away…Wheras Kim gave Bryan a talk, and he somehow hid his tape and got to keep it. Fucker.
But still, I love Mom and Grandma for caring enough to whup my ass when I needed it. Cause lord knows I was a mischeivieous little kid with a bit of a mean streak. Now, I’m a charming, intelligent, normal, well adjusted member of society, whose only meanness comes in the form of the occasional bit of shit talk. So for that, I thank you, Mom and Grandma. Happy Mother’s Day.
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you a fool even on mother’s day…
you precious man. i’m soo tripping off you getting beat from wesley snipes complexion to your current “ablino” one.. description curstesy of you
“GO GET A SWITCH!!!”-the worst words a kid could ever hear.
Oooooh. I remember the go get a switch days vividly. I, too used to try to get a sickly one, which resulted in me having to go get three more just like it and ended up with me getting beat w/ all three together in a “super switch”. LMAO @ your mom listening to “Indian Girl” AND making y’all listen to Alexander O’Neal repeatedly. Good story!
LOL!!! Even though I’m younger, my grandmother was from the south and dang it if she didn’t have a good ole’ switch tree in her backyard. Whatever I did, I know I only did it ONE TIME. I’ve still got that memory scarred into my brain. Love your blog by the way.
THESE STORIES WERE TOO FUNNY, YOU DESERVED THOSE BEATINGS LOL! I NEVER GOT THE SWITCH, BUT I REMEBER MANY-A-NIGHT, MY SISTERS AND I WOULD BE ACTING UP AT 1AM UNTIL WE HEARD THAT BELT JINGLE..THEN WE WOULD GO STRAIGHT TO SLEEP..ITS HALARIOUS! GLAD YOU STOPPED BY MY BLOG, DON’T BE A STRANGER!
Yeah, you forgot to mention the guy rapes the Indian Girl. Your mama was beatin’ yawl to keep you from catching a case when you got older.
Lawd…….you are truely a funny ass man! Your mother must be proud……