Mike’s Bootyhole Is Safe!
Posted by ListenToLeon on
June 13, 2005
Dear Michael Jackson,
I am delighted to hear that you beat the child molestation charges levied against you. Now that the threat of your sweet, sweet bootyhole being taken by some random motherfucker from cell block D is no longer looming, I have a few words of wisdom and advice for you. Please read this, and give it some serious thought.
My first piece of advice is, get some friends your own damn age. So you missed your childhood and Joe beat you like a government mule during your formative years…You’re 46 now. In normal society, your childhood is over at age 18. You’ve been doing this Peter Pan “boy that never grows up” shit since the early ’80s. It’s 2005 now, so you’ve had more than enough time to make up for your missed childhood. Plus, you’re rich…so you had one hell of a damn second childhood. I wish I had giraffes, monkeys and rollercoaster rides in my backyard when I was a kid. Shit.
Piece of wisdom number two: Don’t ever, ever, evereverEVER invite anymore children to your house. I’d even go so far as to hire security guards to take those little bastards down if they get too close to the property. I don’t care if they’re just selling girl scout cookies…Set one foot on Neverland property, and the hounds will be released. I recommend pit bulls who are fed the occasional bit of gunpowder to ensure a nasty temperment. Or german shepherds like the one that used to terrorize my neighborhood when I was a kid.
Advice gem number three: Go back to the plastic surgeon and become a normal black guy again. I know that may be a lot to ask, considering all the shit you’ve done to your face, but your fans would love to have the “Off The Wall” or the Thriller” Mike back. We’d even let the jheri curl slide if you got your strong afro-american nose and your brown skin back. That would really mess up your critics.
Number four: Find yourself a woman. Not just any random set of ovaries like your baby’s momma, but a woman with some really good snatch. You’d be suprised what some good tang can do for somebody. If you need help finding one, I know a couple of women with that “sunshine” stuff like in “Harlem Nights.” Besides, if other wierdo celebrities can consistently pull hot women, I’m sure you can get you a nice lady in the street/freak in the bed that will keep you from wanting to get gay with kids. Not that I’m implying guilt…but just in case those urges are there…Try taking them out on some good snatch. You can name her pussy “Timmy” or “Mikey” if that makes you feel more comfortable. Either way, good tang may be the key.
My final, and probably most important piece of advice is this: WATCH OUT. “Society”, a.k.a. the white folks that wanted to see you rot in prison, will be on your ass for the rest of your natural life. You were found innocent, but you will be considered guilty in the minds of a LOT of people. Thnk about what happened to OJ. He went from being beloved, to basically living a low profile life somewhere in Miami. Granted, he’s still fucking more than his share of somewhat hot white women…but he had to pay a grip of money to the Goldman family and even gave up the Heisman trophy he worked hard to win.
So in conclusion, I would just like to say that you have been granted not one, but two chances to avoid a lifetime in the bootyhouse. Heed my advice, and you should be fine.
Hustleman,
A concerned fan.
26 Responses to “Mike’s Bootyhole Is Safe!”
LMAO!!!
That was sage advice man….I’d hate to have to go through this all over again a few years from now because….I mean we KNOW it’d be a wrap for him….
Stop pushing the limit’s MJ!!!
By The Killa Himself aka Ron Mexico on Jun 13, 2005
You see? I KNEW IT. LMAO…this is why I made a point not to add any commentary to my post tonight. I knew if no one else…you would have the thoughts on lock.
Excellent post…. **RPM**
PS…all except “snatch” I completely despise that nasty nasty word.
By **RPM** on Jun 13, 2005
As usual You Aint Right!!!!
I also didn’t comment on MJ just a few words on my blog cause I knew people like you would do it justice!
By Myrah on Jun 13, 2005
LMAO! Dude I think you should print this out and mail it off to molestaland or better yet post it on his fan site.
By E to the dwige on Jun 13, 2005
Great advice!!!
By Will on Jun 14, 2005
Leon: Where were you oh, 10-15 years ago? All this mess could have been avoided if someone, anyone, pulled Mike to the side and was like, “Yo bru. Look. Iksnay on the oybays.”
By Kajuana on Jun 14, 2005
LOL, Mike needs to plaster this on his wall and recite it as a mantra on a daily!!
By Nikki on Jun 14, 2005
Great advice Leon!!! If you had been at least his umbrella man and gave him all these advices, his ass wouldn’t be in this predicament. FREEEEEEE AT LAST!!!!! YEAHHHHH :-)
Huge fan of MJ.
By Z..E..H..A..R..A.. on Jun 14, 2005
“Joe beat you like a government mule during your formative years…”
that shit is hilarious! i wish i had a listentoleon button at my desk that i could push and have you pop up and say shit like this when i need a laugh at work.
By jamila on Jun 14, 2005
I read an article that says Mike needs to get his hair cornrowed. Spending some time between a sista’s thighs on the front steps will do him some good, buy him a beer too.
By Amadeo on Jun 14, 2005
Damn Hustleman… you always got me dying…. That line about the name the snatch Timmy…….woo…. he will never change…This will only fuel his fire.. he gonna touch the wrong little boy … and he going down like the other mike… only the retirment will be more lasting…Hey that will do wonders for his posthumous record sales.. we always love them alittle more after they are gone…
By E_1979 on Jun 14, 2005
lmao – this comment section is hilarious as the post itself!
By Hypothetically Speaking on Jun 14, 2005
I’m sending this to Jesse Jackson. Michael has to get his little pale, taped up, hands on this advice some kinda way.
By Tamara on Jun 14, 2005
Where is that time capsule? This letter must be put to some sort of use; such sagacity should not go unnoticed.
Tiff…
By WIP on Jun 14, 2005
LMAO…you’re a fool…a pure unadulterated fool. Its after 6 and I’m still at work. I’d like to thank you for this pick me up.
“Or german shepherds like the one that used to terrorize my neighborhood when I was a kid.” That sounds like some deep rooted repressed painful type childhood memory…sorry.
By Nia on Jun 14, 2005
I was more under the impression that he’d go to Cell Block F (for “F”reaks)… but… who am I to call people names? haha
And… I like the word “snatch”… beats the words pussy, coochie, whoowhoo, and crotch all to hell!
Heard today the jury claimed Mike to be innocent, because they couldn’t prove him guilty… words out of the mouth of the gossip queen of New York (Wendy Williams).
By Miss A. on Jun 14, 2005
I know, I know. it’s rude to add onto someone else’s letter, especially to a celebrity, but you forgot a few things.
1. in terms of plastic surgery, since Mike got the “itch” STAY AWAY FROM LIL KIMS PLASTIC SURGEON
2. Stay out of the vicinity of oh say the South, east and west coasts of the US.
By sweetB... on Jun 14, 2005
you said tang. *DEAD*
By Furious on Jun 14, 2005
i’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks now and i CONSISTENTLY find myself LMAO at the silly shit that you say… boy you are a damn genius!!
By Anonymous on Jun 15, 2005
I’ll say one thing, then shut my cakehole.
Don’t let Michael name his lady’s pussy “Mikey.” Or if he does, don’t let it ever get out into the public. That’s just really weird to me.
By Princess Blogonoke on Jun 15, 2005
Exxxxxxxxxxxactly!
By Herb on Jun 15, 2005
Leon, if THIS shit ain’t the funniest and BEST advice that one could give to Michael, I don’t know what is.
You need to make this a damn forward and let it make it’s way to him via the cyberworld. LOL
By Brown Shuga on Jun 15, 2005
Well although I can care LESS of MJ and his trial anymore…*smh*…
Leon, I must say, you’ve basically said it all man. Point blank. In a nutshell. Good post.
By Dayrell on Jun 15, 2005
Ok,I’m FINALLY getting to reply to these…
@ RPM, I use terms like “snatch” “stink box”, and “meat curtains” because I know they will illicit a response from readers…LOL
@ Edwidge, I tried to put this on his site, but the official one didn’t have a messageboard or specific e-mail address.
@ Zehara, I’m LMAO @ “umbrella man” being a real job…Only Michael Jackson…and possibly Farnesworth Bentley, could come up with a job like that for someone.
@ Jamila, thank you. I’m glad I entertain you that much :)
@ Amadeo, that’s brilliant! Get him on the portch and have someone braiding his hair while he sips on a 22 of MGD or Icehouse…LOL
@ Nia, go to my “Greatest Hits” section and readthe entry entitled “Ruler”. Then you’ll know about my history with German Shepherds
@ Anonymous, thank you. That’s about as impressive as compliments get :)
@ Brown Shuga, feel free to forward the link to whomever you want. The timing may be bad now since folks are getting tired of Mike, but still. If you think folks will want to read this shit, feel free.
By Hustleman on Jun 16, 2005
…not meat curtains!!!!why I outta…..
By SweetB..laughing hysterically @ meat curtains on Jun 17, 2005
Why are you so damn silly?!?!?!
By the kid on Jun 20, 2005