"I’m ‘Gon Beat That Pussy Up"
Posted by ListenToLeon on
June 21, 2005
Anyone here ever been attacked by a housecat?
I almost ended up committing animal abuse the other night, but I had good reason to. I was at a friend’s house, when her cat came up to me. Usually, this cat is very friendly and loves attention, so I didn’t suspect a thing different. I reached over and started petting her, and heard her start to purr. Now I’m no expert on felines, but I thought purring meant that a cat was happy…
I continued to pet her until she started scratching behind her ear in a really fast motion. Kind of like a dog does when he has fleas. So I stopped petting her, but kept my hand nearby. Then the bitch cut me. All I know is, the cat said “HIIISSSSS”, flashed her little cat teeth at me and scratched the shit out my hand. Got me in three places with one swipe. It felt like someone tried to slash me with a little knife. Seriously, that shit hurt more than I would have thought.
My instinctive reaction was to say “You little motherfucker” and swing at the cat. I am not one for violence against animals, but this was an unprovoked attack that drew blood. So I tried to slap the monkey shine shit outta her. Had I connected, I may be facing charges in animal court right now. The bitch got out the way just in the nick of time, though. That cat would be walking around toothless like Leon Spinks, eating applesauce for the rest of it’s natural life.
I need to work on my technique, though. I swung so fast that you could hear that “whoosh” sound, but it still wasn’t fast enough. I scared her, but never connected. That also made me realize that I need to get myself back in shape…My hands aren’t as quick as they used to be. I may get my ass whupped if someone starts something and I don’t have my quick hands working for me.
That also reminds me of my cousin Bryan. He had a cat named Toddles. Toddles was an attack cat. The only two human beings on Earth that this cat liked were Bryan and his mom. Anyone else was subject to the wrath of Toddles and her claws. I never got scratched by Toddles, but that was because I would always lock him in whatever room he was chillin in whenever I came to visit. Maybe this was karma coming back at me for the time I locked Toddles in the bathroom after taking a shit. Who knows? I do know that my wounds are healing now, and I haven’t been within 50 feet of that cat since the incident. I hope this was a one time thing, because I like cats so I don’t want to have to fuck anymore of them up.
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22 Responses to “"I’m ‘Gon Beat That Pussy Up"”
I’ve never been a cat person. I had one once and threw it into the backyards with the dog and that cat has never been seen since. Cats are too fuckin’ moody.
By Nikki on Jun 21, 2005
“Maybe this was karma coming back at me for the time I locked Toddles in the bathroom after taking a shit. Who knows?” *dead*.
Leee-on, you are crazy!!! I have no comment.
By Z..E..H..A..R..A.. on Jun 21, 2005
It’s all very simple. You were causing the cat pleassure, then you stopped. As a result, in the cat’s small mind, you became the enemy that took his/her pleassure (your hand) away.
By Kajuana on Jun 21, 2005
Damn that toodles and the shit part ….. my goodness….. man i’d pay for some of this material …. although it was probally all the more funny cause I’m so damn sleepy today ….
By E_1979 on Jun 21, 2005
Cat’s hate waterguns…get a supersoaker. For some reason I can’t help but recall Saturday Night Live and Tounces the driving cat.
By Amadeo on Jun 21, 2005
yup! skeet some water on that mofo!
By muffin on Jun 21, 2005
I feel ya pain! I still have a scar from where this bitchass cat scratched me after I picked up which one of her babies I was taking home. That bitch betta be glad she ran after she scratched me. I still took her damn baby!
Water doesn’t work on all cats.
By Miss A. on Jun 21, 2005
“I tried to slap the monkey shine shit outta her”. Man, you had me cracking up on this part. I love your blog by the way.
Miss Tia
By Anonymous on Jun 21, 2005
LMAO!!!!
By Raycita on Jun 21, 2005
@ Nikki, yes they are
@ Kajuana, you’re probably right. That makes sense. Do you have a cat?
@ @ E and Zehara, Toddles was EVIL. That’s why I locked him in the bathroom.
@ Amadeo, that driving cat was funny as shit.
@ Miss A, sorry to hear you got sliced, too.
@ Miss Tia, thanks
By Hustleman on Jun 22, 2005
Cats are NOT my favorite animal. My last roommate had a cat and that asshole peed on my papasan chair twice. After the first time I threw something at it, and I started trying to make sure I closed my door at all times. But that sucker got in again, and peed on it AGAIN. I chased it ALL over the house, hoping it’d have a heart attack. Then when I was tired of running up and down the stairs, I chased him into my roommates room and closed the door so he couldn’t really run far. He was darting all over the place. It was kinda funny, but I was too mad to laugh. Thn I chased him into her bathroom and closed the door. He was still in her bathtub balled up when she got home. Damn ass cats!
By the kid on Jun 22, 2005
I’ve had a cat, but because of an experience similar to yours, I don’t trust other folk’s cats. If you didn’t raise them yourself, watch your back. Cats can be moody creatures.
By Anonymous on Jun 22, 2005
LOL. now hustle, you should know better than to back up off the pussy right when it starts getting good….some women probably would have done more than scratching you for pulling that one!!
By Shan on Jun 22, 2005
LMAO @ SHAN
By Miss A. on Jun 22, 2005
That’s crazy. I experienced something similar with one of my girlfriend’s cats a few years ago. Same scenario…only that muthafucka bit my ass. Da fuck? When did cat’s start bitin?!?
By Brown Shuga on Jun 22, 2005
And that right there might be the story I tell when folks ask me why I don’t mess with cats like that. Damn things.
“I once read……”
By SimplyDiva on Jun 23, 2005
you can make ANYTHING into a funny story….
By Christy on Jun 23, 2005
just like a guy….as soon as he gets to the good part, he leaves…
By SweetB... on Jun 24, 2005
Did you start petting the cat’s belly? They’re really sensitive there and it’s a bit of pleasure and pain for them there. Sometimes my cat asks for a belly rub and after a while he’ll take a nip at me to tell me to stop. Not sure about the scratching though..maybe the cat thought your hand was something to swat at. Cats are smart creatures but sometimes they’re not that smart.
By E to the dwige on Jun 25, 2005
roflmao @ shan. that’s crazy.
leon… cats are NOT to be fucked with. especially by men.
By Furious on Jun 28, 2005
This is my first time visiting your web-site. I found out about it through Concreteloop.com and I’m proud to say I’ve added it to my favorites. I’ve been reading the blogs, and I swear this one had me crying.
Talk about “keeping it real”… I’m digging your persona for sure.
Keep Bloggin’ Bloggin’
By DigThis on May 5, 2006