Alright y’all…the people have spoken. I have decided that I need to do something nice to make up for yesterday’s use of my blog for evil instead of good. Since I wield a significant amount of influence(let me have that one delusion of grandeur, y’all), Today is CELEBRATE WOMEN DAY. I shall make up for shooting the skeet of hatred on the ovaries of the women who have pissed me off over the years. So today is my day of atonement
Family
To my Mom: You raised me better than this. All those ass whuppings and sound, open-handed slaps to the mouth when I acted up were not done in vain. I love you.
To my sister: Congratulations on the new job! I’m proud of you. Kick ass and take names in Corporate America
To Grandma: I love you, and you are probably my best friend in the world. I tell you stuff that I would never tell most people. I don’t know why I do, cause once you know my business, it’s only a matter of time before Aunt Cora knows my business…then that means the whole damn family knows my business…Oh yeah, I remember why I tell you everything. It’s because you give the greatest advice and you always have my best interests at heart. Thank you for everything.
Ok…this shit is getting REALLY sappy. I need to save this entry, so I’m going to name some celebrity women who make me smile. ACTUAL celebrities this time, not half-assed ones like the last time. Women who if by chance end up reading this, need to get at me and send an e-mail to HustlemanL77@yahoo.com so I can whisper sweet nothings in your ear and illuminate your heart and soul with my masculine greatness…Oh yeah, and my incredible wang. Can’t forget about that.
Rosario Dawson
Say sweet thang…Caling you fine would be an understatement. You…well, you move me. You move me to satisfy you. In every way, shape and form imagineable that is allowed by the law of whatever state you reside in. I want to give pleasure. Cherish you like treasure. Then whip out the wang so you can measure. I wanted to put a fourth rhyme in there, but I suck at spoken word. I am liable to bite some shit from Love Jones, talking ’bout “Say baby…can I be your slave?”
Alicia Keys
You been looking really good these days. You filled out and got some hips on you to go with that pretty face. Call me. I’d love to be the one on TV with you talking about “Cause I remember girl I was the one who said put your lips like this”
*Note* Yes, this is shitty Photoshop work…but in all fairness, it was a daunting task trying to cover up Usher’s 80 pound head in that photo. Alicia Keys, please don’t sue me for making this image. It’s all in good fun.
Jill Scott
What’s happenin’ baby…I usually don’t go for women that weigh more than me, but I heard that song you wrote about me…You know the one…Talking ’bout “I just run across your mind” and all that good shit. Well, that did it. I am now working out in the gym and taking creatine in the hopes that if I bulk up, I will no longer have a quiet phobia of women who look like they can overpower me and take my booty. But for real, I know you’re married…so I’m just bullshitting…but that song is great. I find myself playing it on repeat sometimes.
Alyssa Milano
I won’t lie…I don’t think I’ve ever even attempted to watch “Charmed.” That show has been on for 8 or 9 years now, so obviously you’re doing fine without my vierweship. It’s not like I actually have a Nielson box, anyway…But back to the subject at hand: Your sexiness. Who would have thought little Samantha on “Who’s The Boss” would grow up into someone I would want to make sweet love to in the midnight hour while listening to Donny Hathaway. Hell, we could hump to Linkin Park for all I care, as long as were humping ;) My Johnson will prove good to you, and good for you…It’s nutritious, even. Come get you some of this good stuff ;)
Ciara
I first had my eye on you when 1-2 Step became my guilty pleasure song of 2004. The more I see of you, the better you look, though…It’s like you grew on a brother. I know that’s not the most romantic thing in the world, but since the likelihood of you leaving Bow Wow to fuck with me is low, I guess you can take that however you want to. Just know that you made this list, you’re cute in a skinny young girl way, and you can dance your ass off. Congratulations…Shit.
Claudia Jordan
My favorite of all…I just happened to flip past the Style channel last Sunday morning, and caught a glimpse of you on “The Modern Girl’s Guide To Life.” I was so amazed by your beauty, that I sat through 3 episodes of that frilly girly estrogenfest just to smile whenever you got screen time. While looking for an image for this entry, I see that you were on The Price Is Right. Please tell me you never humped Bob Barker. I will cry…LOL. Just playing…It’s just funny to think that Bob Barker’s 120 year old self would still even be able to get a boner. I know Viagra is powerful, but still, that’s asking a lot…But enough about Bob Barker and his geriatric sex life. I want to know what’s up with you. I wrote a song about you…allow me to “Come on down” there and sing to you…
“I wanna knooooow what turns you ooooon,
so I can beee all that and mooooooore,
I want to knooooow what makes you cryyy,
so I can be the one who always makes you smile”
“TELL ME WHAT I GOTTA DO TO PLEASE YOU
BABY ANYTHING YOU SAY IS COOOOOOL
CAUSE I ONLY WANNA MAKE YOU HAPPY
FROM THE BOT-TOM OF MY HEART IT’S TRUE!
YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!!”
Ok, so I didn’t write that. I WOULD HAVE written that about you, had Joe not beaten me to it. Either way, write me. I have a bunch of other songs that I would have written about you if other people hadn’t beaten me to it. I want to serenade you with those, too.
That’s it for now. Enjoy your Thursday everybody.
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Yo!!! Save Jilly from Philly, where are the the non, exotic regular women??? LOL!!
Dude… you are out of control… LOL Too funny. And you know I’m with you on the Jilly and Rosario tips. Need to do research on that Claudia chick.
*doing Google search and hoping it refers me to more than just Leon’s blog… LOL*
man I know exactly what you mean about ciara….”growing on a brotha”….i aint really take notice to her till the MTV awards….or her cameo in “super sweet 16″ <——disclaimer forced into watching!! But yea…BBgirl has really grown into a nice midnight thought…or afternoon thought…morning thought…. AH hell, i need to leave my desk right now!
LMAO @ you… damn where’s da love!!!! LOL
LMAO
L, please leave the singing for the pros!
Ummm… what’s wrong with Jill? Shoot… if you think SHE has the looks to take ya booty… ummm… lol… she and I are about the same size… with me about 3 pant sizes smaller… lol
Sheeit… u’ve seen the pics! LOL
And again, I ask… please leave the singing to the pros!
Can I share Alyssa with you?
LOL
Ur wrong for quoting Captain Sav-a-Ho but I aint mad atcha…
*thanking stars that the majority of the women on this list were black women
You would quickly lose your stripes otherwise
Jia says…
LMAO @ “they can overpower me and take my booty”
that’s a funny visual.
Leon, you ain’t got the sense that God gave you. You went from sweet Mama’s Boy to lech in 2 seconds.
geriatric sex life
ha.
@ Angry, shut yo’ onery ass up…LOL. Just playing…but for real, I’m taking baby steps in the right direction.
@ Will, She was also in King Magazine…looking GOOT. Yes, that is 3 degrees better than good.
LMAO @ Mr. Poteat
@ Caramel, you know I got love for you
@ Miss A, I think I can take you…Jill on the other hand, is on the borderline. She is very talented, though. Plus, as much as she sings about food, I’m assuming she can cook, too. “GRIIIIIIIIITS” LOL. Oh yeah, we can double up on Alyssa ;)
@ Jia, I am writing an original song for my next serenade of you ;)
@ Diamonds, I try to provide funny visuals
@ Nikki, it’s the pressure…Since Brutha Code closed up shop, I’ve felt added pressure to be funny and it’s manifested itself in negative ways…I feel like Kobe Bryant trying to win a title without Shaq…LMAO
u can take me, hunh?
I dare you to try! heehee
Milano goes on the special list the I-remember-when-you-were-little-and-now-you-can-get-it-list. I hear you about Jill though…This girl that was bigger than me in High School used to back me against the wall and threaten to take my loving…I haven’t recovered yet.
Leon…I wandered in here yesterday, and I’ve run all up & through your archives since…I’ve been sitting in training for my job for the past 2 days, and laughing at the craziness you come up with on the regular is the only thing that’s kept me awake…i truly owe you thanks :-)
I’m smiling extra hard right now!!!! You know you need meds!!!!
you are funny. i can’t cosign on the ciara joint that. *pause* thats a lil left field for me.
lEMME FIND OUT Ciara got u like that….if i see u in da club doing the 1,2 step,u know im clowning and taking pictures…
“Usher’s 80 pound head in that photo”
LMAO!
I’ll keep you posted
Amazing how the Foxy One is always left out of your lists. I’m a celebrity damnit! lol Should I start being offended now or later? ;)
don’t play like you only watch “Modern Girls’ Guide” for Claudia – we all know you curl up with a pint of Half-Baked on sunday afternoons and watch that shit.
but for real, Claudia is gorgeous. she’s on my short list of girls i could switch teams for ;)
Man, you are way too funny and I’m becoming a huge fan of your blog… Good stuff here. I may have to do a list of my own and I can tell you, no doubt I’ll have Claudia and Rosario on my list too! Beautiful! Peace…
Yo… I was just searching the net for some old Price is Right photos to add to my website…and I found this. Funny! Thanks for the nice compliments… my appreciated. Got a website coming any day in case anyone is interested…although I feel a little silly saying that. Anyways…can I get an original song from you???? :)
Claudia Jordan
LOL @ Amadeo. That is tramatizing
You’re welcome @ Dana. Good luck with the training
@ Girly68, I’ll be alright without meds. I’m high on LIFE. Fuck a drug…LOL
LOL @ Doc. But I’d still hump Ciara.
@ Missy, I do have dignity, despite the stuff I put on this blog. So that will NEVER happen.
@ G. Cornielius, I really had trouble trying to cover his big ass head up.
@ Foxy, you know you’re special to me ;)
@ VP, let me know if you and Claudia ever hook up so I can watch…LOL.
But for real.
If it happens, let me know ;)
@ VAR, thanks. I appreciate the compliments on the blog.
@ Claudia, Glad this made you smile. You definitely deserve every last compliment I gave you on here. Keep on doing your thing. Also, feel free to post the URL for the site so folks can check it out once it, up.
I’ll work on that song for you, but you have to come back here so you can see it when I put it up. Save this site to your “favorites” section ;)
<--- Hoping and praying that REALLY WAS Claudia Jordan commenting and not some 40 year old dude with a name like "Ernest" or "Charles" trying to be funny...LOL
I need some closure. Was that really Claudia? Did you contact her offline? Did you serenade her? Did she give you the booty? You can’t just leave us hanging like this???
What’s next? A cameo by Jill? LOL!
Beloved
@ Beloved…CLOSURE YOU SHALL GET.
It’s really her! Shocked the monkey shine shit outta me…LOL. To answer your other questions, no serenade, no sexual harassment on my part(yet) and I have yet to get any local ass from this blog. The likelihood of me humping famous people thanks to it is pretty damn low…LOL.
Yo.. now you really got me praising your website dude! That was actually Claudia! I hope she does put together a website because its definitely long overdue.. That’s a beautiful sistah for real.
Peace from the westcoast!
@ VAR, this is the URL for her upcoming site
http://www.claudiajordan.net/
It’s not done at all, but it says that it should be up any day now.
wow that was really her? props to you leon.
i just hope she didn’t read my comment and think i was a stalker or anything.
@ VP, I hope she DID read your comment, cause it made me think of three words:
HOT.
LESBIAN.
ACTION!!!
LOL…not trying to imply that either one of y’all hits for the other team…but it IS a nice little visual on a monday afternoon ;)
Leon…. you are four kinds of crazy, but you do keep me awake @night. I have to veto Alyssa Milano tho. u were on a roll till then.
I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links: