Ladies and gentlemen, last weekend was shot to Hell. My car was acting up, and I ended up spending my Friday night outside of my office building waiting on AAA to come and tow it to my old neighbor’s service station. Did I mention on here before how much I DO NOT like tow truck drivers? If not, then let me re-iterate my disdain for those soulless vultures who prey on the shit-out-of-luck and the frustrated parking spot searchers who happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Damn them. Damn them to the bloody bowels of Hell’s 5th inner circle. Damn them to an eternity of doing the electric slide on top of Lucifer’s fireplace next to his basketball trohpies and family photos.
Thanks to the car situation, I missed out on the very last pool party of the year, and my friend’s birthday/fight party in DC. I ended up at my sister’s fight party since that was the one I could easily get a ride to. Now, my sister and her roommate have thrown some good parties, with some cool people in attendance like Christy who comments here on a regular basis. For some reason, whenever they throw a party watching a Pay Per View fight, it always ends up being a sausagefest. The ratio was about 8-1 men to women. It was a disgusting travesty, considering the DC area has like an 11 to 1 woman to man ratio. Somewhere, someone else’s party had PLENTY of women…just not that one. Not that I was looking to meet anybody. I just don;t like being in a roomfull of dudes I don’t really know like that. Suppose someone says some slick shit, and I make a joke or two back? I could be fighting 5 or 6 fools at a time if the guy I make fun of has friends there…Which means I’d get my ass whupped. I’m not Bruce Lee. Hell, I ain’t even Spike Lee. I can’t defy those kinds of odds.
I don’t even really blame my sister, though. Her boyfriend is always at her parties, so I know she’s not the one inviting all those hard legs to the party. Next time, I’m bringing some damn women with me just to break up all that foolishness. Shit, my lady friends will probably thank me for bringing them to a party filled with that many dudes. Then again, I probably will just avoid the scene altogether. That last experience was not too cool in my opinion. I’m just not used to swordfights.
Back to the car, though…It got fixed on Sunday by my old neighbor, Greg Dyson. If you need any work done to your car and you’re in the MD area, look him up. Dude is great, plus, he’s honest. It’s rare that you find a mechanic that won’t bullshit you and try to get your money. I would put his number up here, but I probably should ask permission first. If y’all want to do business with him, just e-mail me at HustlemanL77@yahoo.com and I’ll give you the contact info.
So out of gratitude for helping me out when I was stuck rideless, I decided to wash my mom and stepfather’s cars that afternoon. I had one more frustrating thing happen, but I got a perfect chance for revenge…
*Disclaimer* If you are a crazed member of PETA, or you just have a strong love for all of God’s creatures, you might not want to read past this line. Ok…You’ve been warned.
As soon as I finished my mother’s car, and got to my stepfather’s , I looked over back at my mom’s ride and saw that a bird had just taken a shit on the hood, RIGHT AFTER I washed it. This led me to wonder, why is it that birds shitting on your clean car is almost inevitable? Let you go three months without washing your car…No bird will even fly past your ride. Let it be spotless, and they get excited, telling their friends “Ay! Ay man! Leon has a REAL clean bathroom over in his driveway! Come on man, let’s go!”
Then, I noticed something even more shocking: The motherfucker was still sitting on the tree branch from which he perched and shat on my momma’s car! So I looked at the bird…then looked at my right hand withe the water hose…then smiled…Then went Civil Rights Movement on his ass. I sprayed the shit out that bird. He fell to the ground, then he kind of struggled for a minute before he flew away. Then I held in a little giggle..that turned into laughter…which turned into a yell of “I GOT THAT SUMBITCH!!!”
I know that sounds mean, but let me tell you why I did it. I figure, if birds are smart enough to fly south for the winter, then they are smart enough to know when they are deficating on a clean car. So that meant the shit was planned. Premeditated. That bird took a premeditated shit on my momma’s car. I had to stand up for her rights! Especially since the doo-doo bird was just sitting there defiantly on the branch, looking like he was thinking “I just shat on this fool’s car, and he ain’t gon’ do a thing about it.” So you see, I had to teach him a lesson. Plus, I won’t lie, I was mad that I had to clean that doo-doo off her car after I just had it looking immaculate. That’s almost enough reason right there to justify my actions.
LOL @ ‘shat’ on your momma’s car… funny azz shyt. I aint mad atcha. I dont park my baby under trees or telephone lines if it is at all possible for the specific purpose of avoiding those evil plotting feathered sonnamabytches…
But yo, be glad it was just your momma’s car. In the fourth grade, while we waited out online before school on the yard for our teachers, a bird ‘shat’ right on Kendra Jackson’s head. Dude… ON HER HEAD! In front of a playground full of grade schoolers… LOL We called her Shyt head right up until high school… LOL
Tis so true. Birds rarely poop on my car because I rarely wash it.
I have a good story about making a tow truck driver put my man’s car down, but it’s too long. Let’s just say he let saying, “Remember, you guys threatened me!”
Oh the folks at PeTA is gonna cut u
ooooohhh Leon… my stomach is hurting!!! lmfao!!!
My neighbors are prolly wondering why I’m laffin so hard and I live alone! LOL
Man… that shit.. no pun intended… was hilarious!!!
It’s true tho!!! Why TF do damn birds seek out the cleanest car to take a shit on… THEN those mofo’s call all they damn friends!!!!
I had my car towed from Howard county to Loch Raven Blvd in Baltimore County… That’s where my mechanic was! Talk about pricey AND they had my truck on a flat bed. I prayed that it would make it to my mechanic! It did, thank God! My girl’s mom’s car had been dropped off a flatbed tow truck three weeks prior.
Jia says…
Clearly, you’re going to burn in a hot hell. LOL
Let me tell you something…birds dont forget shit. TRUST and believe that.
Years ago, when my parents and I first moved into our neighborhood (well, shit…THEIR neighborhood b/c Im SUCH an ATLien now hehe), our neighbors had an assload of cats. I mean an assload. Why is one or two not enough?
Anywhooooo…one of the cats was rowdy as hell. All the other cats were real cool…did cool cat shit and never bothered anything or anybody but the ROWDY cat got gangsta one day and attacked a baby bird IN FRONT of what had to be the mama or daddy.
For all intensive purposes, lets just say this happened (the attack) on Monday….Saturday afternoon, I was outside playing right?
Why did that SAME DAMN mama or daddy bird (and yea it was the same b/c it had this weird ass red and white speckled crap on its chest) start ATTACKING the rowdy cat? I mean, that bird was diving BEAK FIRST into the cat and the cat couldnt do anything but RUN!
And Im standing there like “Damn…(Yea I said damn at 8..but under my breath lol), how in the world did that bird remember that and further, how did that same bird know that THAT cat is the one that did it?”
So you be careful…birds dont forget shit. When you go out to your car one day, dont be surprised if a whole slew of birds have some diarrhea laid out on the roof of your car. Carry a big stick dude…..carry a BIIIIIIIG stick.
Yo, I stumbled onto your site, and read pretty much everything on it. Down to the copyright info on the bottom!!! Great stuff dude. We think along the same lines. HILARIOUS!!!!
http://jeremybiggers.blogspot.com
PETA: People Eating Tasty Animals?
Hilarious, indeed. That’s chocolate city for ya!
“…went Civil Rights Movement on his ass.”
bwahhahahahahahaha…..hilarious.
don’t ever use the word “shat”….
cause it had me rolling!!
LMAO…you are a FOOL!! I probably would have went a lil crazy too. Car all gleamin’ then that lil nigga wanted to say “fuck yo car!!”? AHHH hell naw!
oh and if u don’t come back and visit my spot…
boy I’ll…(lol)
miss hearin from u
lmao…. toooooooooooooooo funny….pre meditated shit? i would have loved to seen you spray that bird….
i love leigh’s sausagefests… i mean… parties. *cheese*
lol
@ Christy, I bet you do like them. You were the only good looking woman in that room towards the end of the night…You had a MANopoloy up in that bitch…LOL
@ Diamonds, I stopped by this morning
@ Liza, It was a messed up feeling seeing the car all shiny…then seeing it all shitty.
Thanks @ SJ
@ Laylah, thank you
@ MaryJ, if that’s what it stands for, I’m a card-carrying member :)
@ JBigg, thanks for stopping through. Your blog is funny.
@ Jia, now I’m scared…LOL
@ Miss A, I knew people would be able to relate.
@ Missy, I’m ready for those PETA bitches.
@ Amadeo, glad you got to punk that tow truck driver.
LOL @ Kajuana
LMAO @ Prodigalsun’s friend “Shit head”
That was one of the funniest posts ever… when I first got my new car, I was so scared a bird was going to “shat” on my car. And low and behold, as soon as I walked away from it after driving it home, the biggest “shat slot” in the world ended up on my windshield and hood. It’s like a whole gang of evil birds just did a fly by on me.
Ugh!