Last weekend, I caught up to my friend Jimmy, whom I hadn’t seen since we were both in college. Jimmy and I have known each other since we were about 6 or 7 years old. He grew up on the same block as I did, so it was pretty much like seeing family. We laughed and talked for hours about a wide variety of topics.
During the course of the conversation, Jimmy reminded me of one of the single funniest stories of my childhood. So funny, that I cannot believe it took seeing him years later to jog my memory. Then I thought about it: My memory is probably screwed up as a result of this story. Let me explain.
Back when Jimmy and I were about 8 years old, we would hang out with all the other kids that lived on our block. The wild thing about it was that every few days or so, folks would fight with each other, then a few days later, end up being friends again. It never failed. Like a black version of The Little Rascals, only way more violent. The crew was Jimmy, Pay-Pay, Rodney, Big Carlos and myself.
One day, Jimmy and I had problems and got into a fight. On his side, he had Big Carlos and some other kid whom I don’t remember. Probably Superchicken from up the street(real name: Chris). Pay-Pay and Rodney had my back that particular day. Jimmy and crew ended up going back to his house and hanging out on the back deck, which was raised above ground. So Pay-Pay, Rodney and I started yelling all kinds of angry 8 year old things at them. It got ugly. Rodney called Jimmy an African Booty Scratcher. Jimmy called Pay-Pay George Jefferson-head since he actually had a receding hairline at age 8. Pay-Pay made fun of Superchicken’s knub where a finger used to be. I called Jimmy something to the effect of a “Peanut-Butter Motherfucker” or something. In my 8 year old mind, that was the worst thing I could think of.
Things escalated, and my fellow ground soldiers and I began throwing rocks and dirt bombs(clusters of dirt from the ground that burst apart upon impact) at Jimmy and crew. Everyone up on the deck kind of ducked for cover and looked for things to throw back.
Of all objects, Big Carlos found a steel tablespoon. He lobbed that tablespoon with every ounce of strength in his oversize 9 year old body. It was the act of a desperate man. It was a gamble that paid off.
Everybody else on the ground saw him chuck this spoon in our direction. Everyone except me, that is. I was getting ready to throw what I thought to be the perfect dirt bomb…then KLANG!!!!
Direct hit to the top of my forehead. That shit HURT! Carlos fucked me up with that spoon. Pay-Pay and Rodney ran away as soon as they saw it connect with my skull. I started crying like a bitch the moment I saw that my head was bleeding. I heard Jimmy and them celebrating on the deck, so I ran home out of sheer embarrassment. I mean, who gets their ass whipped with a spoon?! Better still, how does one spoon defeat three people?! There is no recovery from something like that. I think that’s why I repressed the memory for so long.
It was definitely the most spectacular defeat in Leon History. Worse than Napoleon at Waterloo. Worse than Custer at Little Big Horn. At least their defeats were due to being outnumbered, or tactical errors. Mine came at the hands of a dinner utensil. And not just any dinner utensil. The one with no sharp edges. I got fucked up by the safest object in the entire kitchen! A fool named Superchicken was up on the deck laughing at ME! How much more ridiculous can it get?
Its funny. I wrote an entry about being a punk bitch….and then I read this…smh
Im ashamed to say Im your friend
LMAOOOOOOO
i’m laughing out loud here at work…lol
very funny!!!
btw, i was just stoppin thru to check on u, glad u’re good!
oh shit! LMAO!!!!! Peanut butter motherfucker??? George Jefferson??? African Booty Scratcher….this is so damn funny
Dude fucking hilarious! I’m on a conference call and let out a big gawf and chuckle and then realized ah shyt they heard me and the dude talking isn’t being funny. A spoon!!!!!
That was so funny I remember you coming home all pissed off because your head was hurting. All the stories that have Pay Pay in them are classics and I completely forgot about Superchicken. This made my morning.
man… I wish somebody would come up to me and say “hey remember in the 3rd grade when I whipped your ass with a spoon?” He would get payback right then and there, childhood friend or not.
I’m making mental note. Next time there’s a field trip, I will be sure to pack a spoon in my purse–just in case you get out of hand.
I also wanted to tell you that you are definitely World Wide now, if you don’t know. You know I go back with you a couple of years on with the Cipher Circle crew and I had you saved on my computer at my other job. I got to my new job and did a search on Google for “Yeah I Said It” and lo and behold, you’re Number 1.
*clappin* HER-CA-LEES, HER-CA-LEES
LOL! this shit was funny as hell. thanks goodness dude didn’t throw a fork at you.
that reminds me when my cousin got hit in the back with a big ass potato straight out the garden…dirt and all. you would have thought that fool got shot. he kinda deserved it though…he called my other cousin a punk.
The things we do when we get bored…
We used to have shoe fights. Which can start off fun, till somebody gets a spiked heel in the eye or clobbered by a steel toed work boot. Then, as Eddie Murphy said, “Hey, hey, hey, playtime is over.”
We also tried to have a record fight. That only happened once because after we broke a Redd Foxx album (which incidentally used to be on the “Doo-Doo” label) or a Ohio Players single, we knew we were in trouble. Also records can inflict some pretty heavy casualties.
Lastly, once and only once, after my Dad had seeded the yard and finally got grass to grow, I decided to invite a few friends over with their Barbie campers and make our backyard a miniature campsite complete with a lake and some garden plots. I got tore up for that one.
Anyway, that was classic. I was falling out over here. I needed that today.
you are too much… I check you out every coupla days and you always make me laugh. My cousin still has a mark from the easy bake oven pan I threw at her in the same type on block fight. I know them were gonna be some good brownies too… I wonder if she remembers it as traumatically as you.
Alba
You ever been in a situation where you were almost garunteed to be able to talk a chick into letting you hit…then you go and say some ridiculousness that makes her look at you with the same amount of respect she’d give to a 4 year old?
No?
Now you have.
joking.
That reminds me of when I first moved to CA and I was at this girls house, she was a real square, her name was Allison. She was trying to be friends with everyone I hung out with, we thought we was real hood, at the tender age of 11.
So anyway, we were playing on her patio which was covered by this little roof. Being the rebel I was, I climbed on the roof, jumped off and surprised even myself by not only landing on two feet, but not killing myself in the process. So a couple other people try it and they stuck the landing too.
Allison aint wanna try but being the influential mothafucka I am, I talked her into it by basically calling her what amounted to an 11 year old’s version of what we might call “a punk ass bitch”. This girl climbs up, jumps off and pancakes on the ground. No attempt to put her feet down under her, whatsoever. Chick broke her arm and her nose, blood everywhere. I felt SO BAD, not cuz she hurt herself but cuz she snitched me out and told her mama it was MY IDEA. I was more afraid of the ass whooping I thought my mom would give me, than all the blood and protruding bones.
Alas, I talked my way out of it by telling my mom she just said it was my fault because she didn’t want her mom to be mad at her. Why she bought that excuse, I’ll never know.
At least I can say you and I have both learned the power of elevated decks and patios.
My kids are sitting here looking at me like I’ve grown three extra heads, I’m laughing so hard. Leon you are LIVID!
So does this mean that you have the sexy man scar that ALL men seam to have either directly in the center of their forehead or just above one of their eyebrows?
No traumatic fight stories here, but I do remember the butt whompin’ of a life time becuase my friends and I thought it was a good idea to throw our freshly made mud pies and my mom’s sparkling Clean Red Fiat
X-1-9?!?!?! Well it sounded good on paper. Enjoy the weekend everyone!
Nya
Aww, Poor baby! I remember I got jumped once for making somebodys little brother eat a tree ( I shoved his punk ass face into the trunk of it cause he wouldnt stop pulling my hair! ) but that was the only ass whooping I got from a group of people lol.
an African Booty Scratcher.
The all time classic, thats got to be in the Hall of fame of Joning…
You crazy!
Peace
“peanut-butter motherfucker” is the new catch phrase for me. thanks for the inspiration. and i can relate to the george jefferson comment, you see, i was born with my pop’s sick ass receding hairline. my family used to call me abraham lincoln. go figure, thats family for that ass.
First of all….this reminds me of The Tick (the Fox cartoon, not the fox live action show with Puddy from Seinfeld).
Secondly you are making the LEAP from a spectacular blogger to “this should be in books/movies/television shows”….man I am really going to go ahead and try to make some hollywood moves and I am gonna have you on the squad! Me, you, and OJ can be like the writing team on the Wire and the Sopranos for real!!!
“Mine came at the hands of a dinner utensil. And not just any dinner utensil. The one with no sharp edges.”
You know, I never really thought about it until you mentioned this at the end of the post. All I could think about was the fact that it was metal. But whoa….. A spoon is pretty safe. I mean even the Spoon’s retarded cousin “Spork” would have conceivably done more damage. That sucks yo!
Hahahahahahahahaha
Peanut-butter motherfucker…
LMAOOOO!!!!!
This is Butta. That was some funny stuff! See you on the 27th. Oh by the way…….TODAY’S MY BIRTHDAY!!
*lol* @ “George Jefferson head”, those are fighting words…*lol*
Yeah it’s your boy Jimmy coming at you reppin’ Fredericksburg…. Mayfield… King St. don’t get it twisted or you will be. Givin’ a spoon chuckin’ shout out to Howison Ave. White St. and Mc Kenney St…… Big Up!!!!! Old Section.
Had to leave a comment on this one being that I was the one who jogged this memory and also the arch rival/best friend (depends on the time of day. LOL!!!) that was with the spoon tossing marksmen. You think that the story 20 years after the fact was funny. You should have witnessed it first hand!!!!
OMG- that was the funniest thing I’ve read in a LONG TIME!! I’m seriously in tears over here!
“peanut-butter motherfucker”?
“African booty scratcher”?
But here’s where I really lost it:
I heard Jimmy and them celebrating on the deck, so I ran home out of sheer embarassment. I mean, who gets their ass whipped with a spoon?! Better still, how does one spoon defeat three people?!
That’s EXACTLY what I was asking myself!!
Leon- you crazy!!!
I just subscribed–I dont know why I hadn’t done so before. Hysterical!!!
Hi! lIKhndaU
LMAO!!! This is SO funny…. You really have a talent for telling stories…
Thanks. I need to actually DO SOMETHING with this gift!
This is too funny, has me cracking up at work! I remember all of ya’ll always fighting then playing again.