Inspired by those great Miller Lite “Man Law” commercials, I was a part of an esteemed roundtable discussion set on establishing actual legislation to be seconded and brought into Man Law. Our group was not quite as accomplished as the one that includes Burt Renyolds, Eddie Griffin, Triple H, the Big Vato Guy in the work shirt, and Jerome Bettis, but it only included real men of distinction. We came up with more than 10 Man Laws, but since that title looks witty, I’m not changing it. I present to you now, the Man Law Legislation that passed on June 21, 2006:
- Thou shalt only secretly covet your boy’s sister or mother, but you cannot make any moves on them, regardless of how bad she wants it. The agreed upon degree of separation for the family of best friends is that cousins are fair game. Anthing from a second cousin on is open season. First cousin, you should ask first and make sure it’s cool. Just out of respect. MAN LAW!
- You are never to play slow jams in the car if there are only males riding with you. At least one female occupant must be in the vehicle. A carful of grown men blaring Maxwell’s “Till The Cops Come Knocking” is just WRONG! Imagine how uncomfortable it must feel to be in the car with your boy, and he’s singing “I wanna hold you….I’ll be your lotion baby, if it alriiiiight whoooooo! Gonna take you in the room sugar, lock you up in love for days!” Words cannot describe such horrors. MAN LAW!
- If your friend is in a fight, you will NOT sit back and watch (unless it’s one on one, or a family fight). Friends don’t sit back and watch other friends catch beatdowns. MAN LAW!
- While the idea of totally slutting a chick out is sometimes fun, double penetration is the epitome of gay-friendly, as 2 man meats should never be within at least 3 feet of each other. That is too close for comfort, and accidents happen. The risk of wang-to-wang contact is too high. MAN LAW!
- Men going to the movies with each other WILL sit at least ONE chair apart from one another. Knees must not touch. MAN LAW!
- Whenever needed and however needed you must be the wingman for your boy. This includes gracefully bowing out when you’re approaching someone you want, but it’s evident that she is digging your boy and not you. It definitely includes showing attention to the undesireable lady with the pretty one, to keep her from ruining everyone’s night. If you have true friends, your act of selflessness will not go unnoticed or unrewarded. MAN LAW!
- One man should never ride on the back of another man’s motorcycle…EVER! Call a cab or catch the bus if you have to. MAN LAW!
- All men should be cautious of women with too much war paint. Understand that excessive makeup and club lighting are the Devil’s tools of deception. Whatever looks good in the club will not necessarily look good in the morning. MAN LAW!
- No man shall take a dump on a toliet that has been used by another man within any time that the seat is still warm. This is considered a low grade sexual act. Basking in another man’s ass warmth is a slap in the face to masculinity itself. MAN LAW!
- Men are only allowed to put the “Hands off” label on one chick at a time. If you gotta a main chick then that’s cool. But don’t come to me bitchin about your side piece having a change of heart and joining a new team. You know the name of the game. MAN LAW!
All compliments on attire between men should be as brief as possible. Let’s not dwell too long on how nice I look today. MAN LAW!
No man is to rub ANY substance on the body of another man. The only realistic exception is if you just pulled this fool out of a raging inferno and you have to treat his burns with butter. Even stil, the man better at least have third-degree burns, and 911 better have you on hold or something. Otherwise, this can never happen. MAN LAW!
- The sports butt-patt is hereby outlawed. I know it’s tradition, but it’s a stupid. pointless one. I’ve played sports all my life, and never once felt the urge to touch a man’s ass to congratulate him on a good job. That said, sports will thrive and endure without people touching other people’s backsides. The only exceptions are when it’s a co-ed game. MAN LAW!
- When standing at the urinal, eyes will be forward or down at all times. No wondering of the eyes, ever. *Amendment* Also, no man shall talk to another man when said man has his dick in hand taking a piss. Conversation resumes at the sink while washing hands. MAN LAW!
I’d like to thankf the folks at www.ThaFam.net for bringing up such a timely and important topic. Fellows, I am doing my part to spread the word so that Man Laws will be adhered to and respected all over the world. Have a great weekend, folks.
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OMG.. dammit to hell BNB u got me ova here DYING!!! hahahaaaaa
If I May Add An Amendment: The Only Man That CAN Rub A Substance On You Is A Tattoo Artist With the Green Soap… And That Shall ONLY Be Applied While He Wears Rubber Gloves… Proposed For Voting…
Burt and the boys could learn a thing or two from your table discussions. Well done!
Two men on a Motorcycle is HORRIBLE!! NO NUTS ON THE BUTT!!! LMAO
This is great! hahhaa -
so hold up…if you’re already on the seat ready to dump, and its warm….you jump back up and suck it in ??? hahahah *raising up one eyebrow*
haaahahaah and that war paint….you are not lying, here in my area, that “woMAN” may just well be a MAN…hahahahaah
Peace,
Frisco-Pina
Thats right! Peter peepin should not go down in a men’s restroom!!!
Yea tamara the nuts on the butt thing is kinda gross! yikes!
-CEA
“- No man shall take a dump on a toliet that has been used by another man within any time that the seat is still warm. This is considered a low grade sexual act. Basking in another man’s ass warmth is a slap in the face to masculinity itself. MAN LAW!”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO when has this ever happened to you??? LOL! that is crazy… that is like taking a sip from the wrong cup and it’s warm and you realize too late it wasn’t yours… heh heh heh. devastating
How about no man shall back a womans request for emotional displays. Nothing is worse than when women ridicule us for not crying or not complimenting each other and one dude out of the group wants to agree to try and win points.
I would like to add:
No more than one man should be allowed to lay on a bed smaller than a king sized at any givin time unless there is a naked female (2 naked women are preferred) in the bed about to grant oral pleasure.
AND ABSOLUTELY NO HUGGING!!!! You cannot wrap your arms around another man and seriously embrace.
You can only do the one shoulder/black man handshake thingy.
Absolute brilliance today.
Poor Leon, sitting on the warm toilet seat and hating himself.
men….lol…thats a lot of rules to remember. We women have laws…some similar to this and others not so similar but they are never discuss. We treat our laws like the underground railroad, but I see men do need their laws laid out in plain view…cause I agree, no two men or more should be riding in a car bumping love songs. I think you guys might have missed a few…I could think of some, but I’m not a man …so why would I care? :D
OMG. This is hilarious. And I agree that the sports butt patting is borderline questionable behavior. Someone could be an undercover Kordell or Strahan.
LMAO@ “low grade sexual act.” You are a FOOL!!!
i dont know about the movie thing. thats a little od….
i wouldnt find anything wrong with 2 dude sitting right next to each other in the movies….to each its own.
i pretty much agree with everything else.
another thing.
men should talk about how BAD another man dresses either…..u shouldnt be paying THAT much attention to some dude unless you’re gay.
omg, hilllarious
- No man shall take a dump on a toliet that has been used by another man within any time that the seat is still warm. This is considered a low grade sexual act. Basking in another man’s ass warmth is a slap in the face to masculinity itself. MAN LAW!
you have absolutely no sence.
That was one of the best post. I feel you on the ass warmth thing. That is serious. Why do you men need to have your laws laid out. This stuff in not already known?
Youre ridiculously a trip and 1/2. HAHah i love your posts! My favorie Man Laws:
- All men should be cautious of women with too much war paint. Understand that excessive makeup and club lighting are the Devil’s tools of deception. Whatever looks good in the club will not necessarily look good in the morning. MAN LAW!
- No man shall take a dump on a toliet that has been used by another man within any time that the seat is still warm. This is considered a low grade sexual act. Basking in another man’s ass warmth is a slap in the face to masculinity itself. MAN LAW!
War paint I just want you to know imma use that up. And as for the ass Warmth hahaah …its just crazy.
kikimia
Sharing toilet seats ain’t cool at all, even after a cooling off period. It’s still ass-to-ass contact. May I suggest a little Charmin liner?!
@ Mikey – Yo, that was just ALL wrong! Two men in the same bed is always ungood! And the thought of two men laying in bed together ass-naked waiting to get some head?! It still wrecks of pure gaydom! I don’t care how many women are present!
No man should wear make up period.
Yo, this was hilarious. I was just telling my boy commMAN-ment number 2 the other day. He only listens to R&B (namely Jagged Edge) before we go hoop. It’s his way to get ready for a game. I had a hard time convincing him that since we were the only people in the car, listening to slow jams with another dude is just brokeback. Right on time with this post fam.
Funny! I sent my own list to http://manlaws.com. Maybe I’ll see one of them on tv!
Never even considered there had to be a toilet seat rule. I learn something new everyday!
Lemme get a whoa Bundy! As president of the local chapter of NO MA’AM (national association of men against amazonian masterhood) I hereby recognize these as universal truths!
W
“- No man shall take a dump on a toliet that has been used by another man within any time that the seat is still warm. This is considered a low grade sexual act. Basking in another man’s ass warmth is a slap in the face to masculinity itself. MAN LAW!”
I had to walk away from the computer to avoid getting in trouble for excessive laughter at work. That shit is fuckin funny..ya’ll have some dumb ass rules LOL. Womens rules: thou shalt not date your girls ex, even if you’ve been broken up for 7 1/2 years. Thou shalt not go and knowingly purchase any item that your girl already has, and Thou shalt not drop/ignore your girls for any member of the male gender, unless given permission ahead of time. Thats it. Live It, Learn It, Love it.
whats up with the toilet rule?
Fukk a warm seat!!! If another dude has used the toilet THAT recently that the seat is still warm, that means the bathroom is STILL funky! To me… going in to use the bathroom immediately after another nigga done stank it all up to hell is the FARRRR worse MAN crime. It should never even GET to the point of sitting on a warm seat. ILK! Just… IIILK!!
Ammendment to the toilet rule… let that shyt air out fo’ bout thirty-five, forty-five minutes before the next negro takes the porcelain throne.
Then you will never have to worry about any warm seats.
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Very good post. I have been looking for ages and you have given me a lot of information.
Along with no talking at the urinal… in a public bathroom (or even at home) when men are in two adjoining stalls… NO CONVERSATION!!! There is NOTHING that needs to be said that can’t wait until you are at the sink, with the possible exception of yelling FIRE, if indeed the fire is right outside the door.