"Don’t Write About Me"

Evening folks,

In his book “The Prince”, Machiavelli stated that it is better to be feared than to be loved.

Now, before any of you all start sending me comments talking ’bout “Ay! I didn’t know about that book by Tupac!” let me tell you know that I am referring to Machiavelli the 15th Century political scholar, not Makaveli, the 20th century weed-smoking, angry rapper.

Back to the original point, I realized that as much as folks love me, there is also an element of fear involved. It’s not that people think I am going to beat them down. Hell, I am only 5’8″ tall and about 175 pounds at the very most. They fear me, mainly because of this blog. Want to know the most popular 6 words people say to me whenever I am out with them? “Don’t put me in your blog?”

Those words come from anyone who has ever read this thing. From my mother, to relative strangers who read the blog and recognize me from one of those silly pictures I put up here. Lord forbid I drink with someone, or there is physical attraction. Those words are almost guaranteed to be said before I even get to first base. Hell, I might not even get to take a swing before some young lady puts her guard up. I’m pretty sure that this blog has turned a few potential “home runs” into “strikeouts” due to my reputation for telling funny stories about myself. So while I should be “sliding home”, getting right up in the “dugout”, I’m forced to walk away from the “batter’s box” wondering what the hell happened.

Let me make this clear right now to any and everybody who knows me personally, or may like to someday: I WILL ONLY BLOW UP YOUR SPOT IF YOU GIVE ME PERMISSION TO, OR IF YOU DO SOMETHING EXCEPTIONALLY JACKASS-LIKE WHILE IN MY PRESENCE. I’m a pretty fair person. I don’t like other people putting my business in the street, so I would not do it to someone else. If you notice, the bulk of the potentially embarassing stories on this site are ones about me. There are a few notable exceptions, but even stil, I try not to put folks out there unless they are cool with it.

So ladies, rest assured that I will not tell the world if you decide that you would like to gently caress my genetalia and fellate me.

Family and friends, I’ll only put you out there if it’s a well-known story, or if you give me permission first. Trust me, all the family dirt that I learned at the last cookout, I’d have enough material to write for the rest of the summer. But those are closely-guarded secrets, so I will not expose them just for a few laughs. That said, some of you aunts, uncles and cousins will NEVER EVER EVER be able to make me feel guilty about anything ever again in life. Y’all have WAY more dirt than I ever did. This also explains why I put T and Gerald The Waterboy out there all the time. It’s a known fact that they do not give a rat’s ass if I type about them in here. I honestly think T actually enjoys all of the crazy stories I write involving him. That said, I don’t put folks in here who do not want the attention.

So to everyone out there reading this, just try not to make an ass of yourself or do anything mean around me, and you are safe. If you’re a total jackass, then there’s a chance you may end up here. Either way, it’s nothing to really get worried about.