I have killed.
Before any of you punk-ass snitches start alerting the authorities and checking to see if there’s any reward money, let me explain. I killed a bug on Saturday over at my sister’s apartment. This wasn’t any old bug, though. This bug was unlike any I’ve ever seen. Picture a wasp, but imagine that wasp has been to prison and spent years on the yard lifting weights and smoking cigarettes. If any of you have seen the WWE wrestler Mark Henny, imagine that brother with wings and a stinger. That’s what I was up against.
I can’t lie, when I first saw that big, husky creature fly past me, I ran into the living room yelling for Jesus. I thought maybe I had finally crossed the line and Satan’s black angels were coming to pull me down to Hell for all of my jokes against the fat, the ugly, the ignorant, and the smelly people of the world. When I looked back and realized it was just a big ass bug, I decided that it had to pay for it’s intrusion, and for making me run like a bitch at my sister’s place. It was going to be the wasp, or me. Someone was sending someone else to meet it’s maker.
I really shouldn’t have typed that last sentence, because now you know how the story is going to end. Since wasps can’t type…Hell, even if that particular wasp could type, the motherfucker does not know my password or screenname. So since you know that I’m writing this, you know Mr. Wasp caught a bad one.
Mr. Wasp did not go down easy, though. I sprayed it with Raid flying insect spray to get it to fall to the ground. Once it was down and I spotted it, I took a flyswatter and struck down with GREAT VENGEANCE and FUUUUUURIOUS ANGER! I basically swung as hard as I could when I saw the wasp was down, hoping to splatter it on the floor. To my suprise, the wasp was still moving his legs, with a little bit of black blood(or whatever it was) over near the side of him. One leg was moving slower than the rest, as if to say “Is that the best you got?” It took three more hits from the flyswatter to effectively kill that jailyard wasp. The sad thing is, I was swinging on that wasp like I was in a real fight. Like I caught him trying to steal my wallet or something. That’s what made it disheartening. All that aggression, and it still took four hits to finish him.
Still, I had to open up a can of “whup ass” and a box of “beat the black off you” on on that wasp. PETA can kiss my ass. No way was I letting that thing live so it could sting the shit outta me or my sister. If they try t o come after me, I’m gonna go off on the stand like Sam Jackson and be like “YEAH I KILLED IT, AND I HOPE IT BURN IN HELL!!!”
You’ve done well, young padwan. May Obi Wan and Yoda watch over you
funny.
LMAO! dayum… you do know the next time you are over there all Mr. Wasp’s homies gonna be waitin for you, right?? teardrop tattoos and all… get ya weight up!
There’s a always a fine line. On the one hand you gotta respect that it doesn’t go down without a fight, on the other hand, you gotta kill it so the rest of the animal kingdom knows that fcuking with you = death.
lol one of dem bastards stung me awhile ago,shit hurt too.
p.s any one seen the stacey dash playboy pics.not for the weak hearted.
you got all Samuel L Jackson on that wasp!! dayum
lol @ jirzygurl…. they got a hit out on Leon
Stuff like this is why this is my favorite blog! hilarious, absolutely hilarious, especially the mark henry reference. i needed that laugh this morning…
Wow homie.
Interestingly, I had a similar account with a roach at my job two weeks ago. Out of nowhere this giantico roach comes waltzing over where the FedEx junk is. This mickyficky looked like he had spent the last several years doing the roach thing at Balco. It was the Barry Bonds o’ roaches.
I hit it with a big ass FedEx box and I kid you not.. it stopped looked around and ran off. Basically, it looked at me.. looked around… and asked if there was a real man coming to hit him because I apparently was too girly.
This was humorous to me initially but el cucaracha’s hesitation (or mocking) was his undoing and I by that time had an intern shoe to finish that bad boy off.
As he died in a pulpy roachy mass one of his legs was shaking at me. He was giving me the “I’ll be back” in a fist shaking promise.
I hightailed it back to my seat, ordering in intern to clean it up. I didn’t want any of his friends to see me at the scene of the crime. I saw Creepshow. I know how they do!
4 hits…c’mon Cool Breeze…fa real? Thought your 5’7 frame had a lil more power behind it… Least it felt like it did the other night….
Man…just when I thought…
You had me cracking up all over the place,
Hey! Did you see your link on Concrete Loop? Nice.
-Mikah!
RAID… is my best friend. Thanks for reminding me that there’s a black winged pest on my porch that I need to kill off
I say anything that stings, bites or sucks blood can get it for coming to close. Before you feel bad just remember bugs have exoskeletons. Since there’s no bruising it’s all or nothing and sometimes you gotta go all out.
Hustleman, you better arm yourself with a few cans of Raid and prepare for the rest of the bug Fam. The word might be out so you better prepare like your heading to the Middle East.
Nice to know I’m not the only one quoting the Great Sam Jackson when smashing the heck out of any bug with the audacity to have wings. You thought your wasp was bad…you should have seen the Palmetto Bugs (aka Big Ass Flying Roaches) that we used to have to war with at FAMU. Folks would skip class to avoid walking near those evil suckers. No bug should be bigger than your foot and equipped with a set of wings. Swat on Hustleman, Swat on!
Didn’t you have problems the last time you tried to exterminate some bugs too?
lmao
@ Anonymous, may The Force be with you!
@ homeimprovementninja, I respect it’s toughness, at the same time, I felt it was mocking me
@ Starliciousdee, thanks
@ Jirzygurl, I don’t think the animal kingdom has that same New Jersey organized crime mentality that you and your folks do…lol. j/k
@ Big Ace, I heard wasps can sting folks REPEATEDLY. So I wasn’t fucking around. And for the record, Stacy Dash’s 40 year-old, three-kid-having ass can get it anytime she damn well wants it! She’s sexy as ever to me.
LOL @ Mikey
@ Anonymous, glad I could make you laugh this morning. Thanks for stopping through
@ Diva527, you know it’s serious when you go Sam Jackson on an insect. Yelling loud enough folks outside think you’re watching “A Time To Kill” in the apartment lol
@ Hassan, I’m laughing at you for making the intern clean it up…good shit! “Creepshow” is the reason that roaches freak me out to this very day! That movie scarred me for life.
@ Blah Blah Blah, trust me, you’d get a lot more than 4 hits ;) and they’d be strategically placed ones ;)
Thanks @ Mikah! I haven’t seen the link, but a lot of folks tell me they found my site thanks to ConcreteLoop. I need to send them a thank you card or something…LOL. I’m going to make sure I have them on the side with my links, just in case I haven’t put them there already.
@ Miss A, be careful
@ Amadeo, good point. If you could hear the sound those flyswatter hits were making, you would have thought it was that scene from “Roots” when they whipped Kunta Kinte for not answering to the name “Toby.” I shouldn’t even joke about that, cause that scene still pisses me off to this day…lol
@ Desert Gigolo, I’m heading to the grocery store just in case
@ B’Write, we had “Palmetto Bugs” at Hampton, too. They were mostly in the older buildings, though. Not just flying around in the open.
@ Rainmayun, this was NOTHING compared to that incident…LOL