*Disclaimer* Today’s entry is not meant to offend anyone, white or black. Calling people names based on their racial or ethnic backgrounds is generally not a good practice. In some cases, it can lead to you catching a crucial beatdown. It is never right to label anyone based on appearance alone. Not everything is as it appears.
That said, I need to apologize to the white lady I tried to holler at this morning by yelling out “HEEEEY SNOWFLAKE!” as she walked by. She smiled, but she did not stop…and it’s probably because I called her Snowflake. Then again, I see her point. Had she yelled out “HEEEEY SPEAR-CHUCKER!” I might not have taken too kindly to it. Now, on to the entry…*
Sunday evening, I was back visiting friends and family in Fredericksburg, VA. My aunt had a cookout, so my friend Jimmy and I went over there to grab a bite to eat. As we’re at the cookout, folks could not help but notice the extraordinary amount of white people walking though the neighborhood. Mayfield, my old neighborhood, was never anything like Southeast DC, or Compton California, or even a Richmond, VA…It was just a black neighborhood in a small city. That said, you rarely saw many white folks in it, unless they were police, or fiends looking to buy crack. So was unusual to see so many just openly walking down the street without at least one black person there to keep them from getting bothered or harassed. Kind of like a ghetto tour guide, of sorts…
The only white folks I’ve ever seen walk around the ‘hood by themselves like that are the “Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints” guys, and they do it in shirt sleeve dress shirts with neck ties on bikes. That takes balls. They usually prefer the barrio, because they can find illegal immigrants new to the country who are in need of something to belong to…Kind of like bus station pimps picking up runaways. They’re also looking for acceptance. It’s funny how similar religion and pimpin’ can be sometimes. CHUUUUUCH!!!
The reactions at my aunt’s house went from mild curiosity to paranoia pretty quickly. At first me and my boy were joking around, saying “They must be trying to scout out the neighborhood so they can buy up all the property and move out all the black people like in DC.”
Then, once we found out it was a church cookout, the jokes got worse. So did the outlandish conspiracy theories. The story became “They’re trying to poison everyone in the neighborhood with those hot dogs made from the devil’s swine! This is the Revolution Gil Scott-Heron and them were talking about! That, or they’re gonna take over our brains and revert us to slavery! Don’t eat that mind-control fried chicken! You take a bite, and next thing you know, you’re talking ’bout ‘Yes suh, Boss! I’se gon quit my job tumarruh and work fo’ yo chuuch! You can pay me in ham! Make sure it’s a big ole piece, cause I shole am hungray!’ DON’T DO IT!” They knew that the best way to get to black folks was to offer free food at their event…The man is a crafty bastard indeed.
You kind of have to be black to truly understand why this is funny, but if push came to shove, it could actually happen. You see, a long time ago, Americans(read: white folks, since most black people were slaves) came up with this thing called “Manifest Destiny.” It meant that they could spread “Democracy and The American Way” wherever they felt the need to, because it was obvious and inevitable in their minds. Usually, it involved taking other people’s land and lives. Kind of similar to what’s going on right now in a certain part of the world…but I won’t get too political today since y’all came here to laugh. Just needed to give you all a quick history lesson.
Well, Jimmy and I went over to the playground barbeque, and watched as Christian rock and skateboard kids took over the basketball courts. Next, three 20-something church folks came up to us and started talking. I think they thought we were a couple of neighborhood thugs or something. I say this, because they kept focusing the bulk of their attention on Jimmy. You see, Jimmy is about 6’2″ tall and 220 pounds…something like that. He’s dark skinned, has dreads, and was wearing a football jersey with camoflauge shorts. Good thing he didn’t have his grill in, because that would have really messed with their heads. You could visibly see the shock on their faces when they realized that Jimmy is the one that has a very good job(probably making more than any of them), works with the youth, and gives back to the community. They didn’t even stick around to find out that I, Mr. Clean-Cut Looking, am the lady-pleasing, liquor-drinking, foul-mouthed mole on the tit of society that I am. Their heads were already spinning around from pre-judging Jimmy based on his appearance. It was actually quite funny.
Still, they were nice people, so I hope they were able to consider their cookout a success. That is, as long as it was just a cookout. If it was a “Take Over The Minds Of The Ghetto Black People” party, then I hope they failed miserably. I guess only time will tell. Pray for my folks back home in the Mayfield section of Fredericksburg!
*Edit* The “Snowflake” thing reminded me of Don’t Be A Menace, with the pro-black Muslim who would only date white women. This one scene still cracks me up…Enjoy!
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Yeah, I certainly learned something from your blog.
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@ Blazer, is that the Jesus fish you posted? Pretty cool…lol
Um, were we at the same cookout? My family is in Fredericksburg too. My people are pretty yellow though, so “Snowflake” could’ve easily been one of my cousins…
Mr. Clean-Cut Looking, am the lady-pleasing, liquor-drinking, foul-mouthed mole on the tit of society that I am.
Love this description of yourself!
Pretty funny…reminds me of the day me and my girls discovered our “Magical Black Pool Powers” no longer worked.
Usually, we could go chill in the apt. complex pool and hot tub whenever we wanted with complete privacy because without fail…the moment we stepped in the area, pigment impaired people stepped out. We’re some squeaky clean chics so we knew it had to be “hidden racism.” We loved it until one day, 100 degrees in the shade, the white folks decided to embrace equality. We knew it was the beginning of the end.
snowflake??? hmmmmm
@ Peach, I apologize my Milk of Magnesia :)
lol
@ Anonymous, that’s hilarious!
@ 1969, unfortunately, it’s accurate
@ Elizabeth, you’d remember if you were at this cookout. Trust me. They were rocking out in the name of the Lord!
I was hollered at with a very loud “Heeeeeyyyyy Snowbunny” just yesterday. By a pimp. While on my way home from a corporate job in corporate threads.. Guess he was looking for a new addition to his stable. I had to laugh though. No one ever hollered at me with snowbunny.
The funny thing about the muslim in Dont Be a Menace isnt just that he liked white women but that he liked the ugliest of white women even when a fine sista was in front of him. Classic movie indeed.
BREAK YO SELF, FOO!
its okay…i get snowbunny and snowflake all the time…but im a rude little shit so i always yell back “thats not my fuckin name dick head!!!”
Ok I’m not sure why I didn’t get here sooner…but I is here now!!! Gald I came by today because I needed a good laugh and this was certainly the place to get it…
‘Yes suh, Boss! I’se gon quit my job tumarruh and work fo’ yo chuuch! You can pay me in ham! Make sure it’s a big ole piece, cause I shole am hungray!’ LMAO!!! That shyt is hilarious. Why could I hear a voice in my head saying the words as I read them. Then Jesus Christ Saints people are the worst. They always make me feel like they go back to some kooky compound where they all sleep in tents and worship some old sick white dude. Ok nevermind…LOL!!
This was great…I’ll definitely be back! DC is representing hard up in Blogland *wink*
as always u have me cracking up! lol