I feel like the first black president. Not so much as, I have power or influence, but because I’ve survived numerous assasination attempts. The latest one being last night in DC.
I was crossing the street at an intersection, and a very unattentive driver barrelled through the crosswalk and came within 3 or 4 feet of running me over. I mean, your favorite blogger would have been done. I’d have been laying on the street, flat as day old beer. The guy realized what he almost did to me, and slowed down to gesture that he was sorry. I yelled a few obscenities at him, and thought about throwing my soda at his car. I decided against that, because I was still thirsty, and his car was already dirty so some Pepsi on the side would probably just add accent to the rest of the filth.
That was just the latest one. I’ve survived more attempts on my life than Tupac, 50 Cent and Jack Bauer. Let me run down the list of ListenToLeon’s death-defying moments, just so you can see how resourceful I am.
Survived a car wreck where some fool ran a red light and sped across three lanes of traffic, hitting my poor car right on the driver’s side. Was pretty much injury free, because I’m hard as steel. *I went home and drank a quart of gasoline and spit out hot fire in celebration.
Talked my way out of a robbery attempt involving two teenagers with a shotgun. Kept all my stuff and received no bullet holes, but left wondering about what God put me here for. *Then I called up the homies and we rode on them b#tch-made trick ass fools. Then had sex with their mothers and never called ‘em again.
Was in a car with foks from my kung fu class when the back tire blew out on the highway. We spun across all 5 lanes of traffic before somehow making it to the shoulder lane. I could see oncoming cars heading near as we spun around in what seemed to be slow-motion. *The cars stopped, when I stood up in the sunroof and whipped out my soul pole. The shadow it cast blocked the sunlight, so everyone slowed down to a halt to witness what they thought was a solar eclipe or the coming of the apocalypse.
Got jumped by four guys over some girl who tried to make her boyfriend jealous by sleeping with me. Left with a black eye, but broke the biggest one’s nose and held my own against the rest. *Even ripped a man’s heart out, and performed emergency surgery on him to put it back while fighing off the others…WITH MY PINKY FINGER! Only reason I gave him his heart back was because I didn’t want to catch a murder charge.
Survived a spoon chucked at my forehead at age 8.
Was chased on a regular basis by a crazed german shepherd named “Ruler” and never once got bitten.
Lived to tell the tale of Butch Black.
I told y’all. I’m harder than your favorite rapper. All this talk has got me thinking, though. God really has led me through all this for a reason. That said, I’m making the most of this blessing called life, and soliciting on the blog again. This time, I need all the writers and folks with contacts who read this to hit me up. I am alomst done with a book I have been working on, and I KNOW the thing will sell, if pushed right. So literary agents, this is your chance to be a part of this classic I’m about to publish. It’s going to happen with or without you…But I’d prefer it happen with you, cause I want to get PAID, dammit!
Oh yeah, to everyone else, be safe.
Note: All of the above incidents are true. The sentences after the point where astericks have been placed are made up though…I’m hard, but not that hard…Sheeeeeit.
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ok I did miss you this weekend but damn if u ain’t a nut!!!
and what’s this I hear you living closer to me??? Hmmmmmm Route 29 eh?
you’re hella silly, how many lives you got?? cuz if u dont read ur email you may have to try to escape death via TIFFANY!!!!! hehehe
The spoon story never gets old! Go get your bookdeal Hustleman!
I have 3 comments……… 1)FUCK RULER!!!! 2) FUCK DRACK AND THAT BITCH WHO SPAWMED RULER!!!! 3) FUCK PAYPAY FOR SICKING THAT MUTHER FUCKER ON US DAILY (SHOUT OUT TO PAYPAY WE COOL NOW, BUT STILL FUCK HIM FOR THAT GAY SHIT) 4)SHOUT OUT TO THE VILLAGE IDIOT. F.Y.I HE IS STILL LIVING UP TO THE NAME. LOL! AND……. OH YEAH PLAY LOTTO!!!
I GUESS THAT WAS 5 GUESS HE WASN’T THE ONLY IDIOT IN THE VILLAGE.
@ Bklyn Diva, I’m going to call you this evening. It’ll have to wait until then, because my phone charger is at home and the battery is about to die :)
@ Peach, my bad. Please don’t kill me youngblood!
@ B’write, it would get old if it were YOUR forehead that got a steel spoon chucked at it!
…actually, you’re right. It was MY forehead, and it is still funny to me
Ok, so I’ve been lurking and reading your blog for a minute now. I just had to finally comment and let you know I’m out there. You keep me cracking up and you are one of my favorites. Good luck on the book situation.
you’ve been writing a book?!
I yelled a few obscenities at him, and thought about throwing my soda at his car.
Hustleman, u should have placed astericks around this statement as well because you didn’t have a soda in your hand, it was a Yoohoo..LOL!
How could you still be thirsty after that ordeal…men..
Youza fool. I was dead at the kung fu scenario.
If u knew i was gonna chew your ass up, why aint u show? WEll at least i got to see your light skinned ass THursday. Looking all healthy and shit. We had some fun though. Gotta roll thru soon so we can do it again