I hate to write this, because this dude was one of my favorite actors back in the early to mid 90′s. Very talented guy. Still, I have to write him an open letter, the same way I had to write one to Michael Jackson, Terrell Owens and Jennifer Aniston.
Wesley Snipes, Wesley Snipes, Wesley Snipes…What the hell were you thinking? $12 million in fradulent taxes?! No payments in the last 6 years?! I hope you saved up some dough, because the IRS is about to put a Passenger 57 style whupping on you.
They sent Al Capone to jail for tax evasion. AL CAPONE! What do you think they’re going to do to Nino Brown?! The C.M.B. can’t help you now. Going on the stand and snitching on “Kareem Akbar, the educated brother from the bank” is not going to get you out of this one.
That said, I do care, Wesley. I don’t want to see you go to jail, even though I know you should be able to keep the bullies off you with those 3rd degree black belt skills. I’m here to offer some advice and possible solutions.
Solution 1: Hire a psychic to channel the spirit of Johnnie Cochran and ask him for advice from beyond. Basically, he was your only hope. You see they got Ron Isley for the same thing now that Johnnie is gone. You better hope there’s a psychic with a side hustle as a paralegal in the yellow pages.
Solution 2: Make as many movies as possible while awaiting trial. I call this solution “The R. Kelly” or “The Mike Tyson.” Work as much as possible, and while you’re at it, pick up a copy of TurboTax from Best Buy. Even better, I know a dude at H&R Block that will take care of you. Holler at me, because I’m sure he’d love the comission from working with you.
Solution 3: Sneak out of the Country and move to Europe like Roman Polansky. He’s still wanted on charges of molesting a 13 year old, yet actors fly out to France and work with him all the time. Then again, you’re black, so they may not let you stay like they did with Roman. I’m not sure which is more likely to get you sent back to the States to do prison time: a white guy raping a 13 year old, or a black guy owing millions of dollars to the Government. It’s a toss up.
Solution 4: Choose some different roles and make a comeback. Nothing wrong with the occasional action film, but it seems like that’s all you’ve been doing lately. I became a fan off the strenth of movies that showcased your various talents, such as Mo’ Betta Blues, New Jack City, White Men Can’t Jump, Major League, and even your small part in Waiting To Exhale. Don’t get me wrong, you were kicking @ss and taking names in Blade, but you’re putting yourself in a box by only doing action films.
Solution 5: Accept some kind of deal and pay the man. I only say this because they will lock you up for this. The only way they’ll be lenient on you is if you admit you messed up and let them auction off your stuff like they did to Willie Nelson and Redd Foxx. Just get a lawyer who is good at telling the IRS what they want to hear in order to help you avoid getting sent to the bootyhouse.
Hope that helps, Wesley. I don’t want to see you go to prison, even though your rise to fame was what ushered in the end of the “light skinned brother” era back in the early ’90s. When you stabbed Christopher Williams’ hand and said “I never liked you anyway…pretty motherf*cker” you in essence stabbed the entire high yellow community! We embraced you anyhow, mainly because you’re a talented dude. Even hen you made your now infamous comments about why you don’t date black women, I didn’t hold it against you. That’s more ass for me. I actually have been meaning to thank you for that. Still, I’m supporting you, man. Keep your head up, and if things don’t work out, I’ll buy you a carton of Kool cigarattes so you can use them to give to the bullies so they’ll leave you alone.
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Hustlman, your site is cyber crack to me…addictive! LOL! You are tooooo funny!
p.s. why we gotta type a bunch of letters before our shit posts? You can tell I still use a CD walkman, huh? LOL!
Wesley was obviously ” betting on black” too much.
he’s dunzo. also i heard he has stank breath. thats worst than tax evasion(sp). Wesley, how you not gonna pay your taxes dogg? betta yet, HOW YOU GONNA BE A CELEBRITY WITH STINK BREATH?
I just don’t understand how people that have all that money, but don’t pay their damn taxes…damn shame.
I too remained a fan of Wesley’s after his hand-stabbing self, single-handedly crumbled the “high-yellow” empire El Debarge, Bruce Leroy, Prince, and Al B. Sure! built in the 80′s. Heck, we can even throw Morris Day in the mix. I remained faithful even after he made To Wong Fu and dressed in drag. But who did this “two-shades-darker-than-closing-your-eyes” nigga think he was messing with? As blood sucking as they may seem at times, silver bullets and hand crafted silver swords won’t work on the IRS.
Making some films in the mean time sounds like a great idea, he should make a sequel to “White Men Can’t Jump” called, “Rich folks don’t pay taxes”
in high an annoyingly squeaky and nasal voice: “What is a quince, BILLLIEEEEEEE?”
you are retarded!! can we get an open letter to Mark Foley?? yo this is hilarious! LMAOOOOOO@dee-lish and j-bigg! yall some dayum fools too
@ Anonymous, thanks for the compliment. The only reason for the word verification is because I had people using spam software to put ads in the comment section. The extra letters somehow keeps that from happening now.
@ Dee-lish, that was funny! I’l send Wesley some altoids along with that pack of Kools.
@ Synsational, it’s greed. Sometimes it’s just trusting the wrong people…but usually it’s greed.
@ J-Bigg, that’s hilarious! I have to remember “two-shades-darker-than-closing-your-eyes”
@ JirzyGurl, what’s left to say about Mark Foley? He’s TOO easy of a target. Every news story about that guy is either really disturbing, or really funny. Sometimes both.
or better yet… an open letter to New York from Flava of Love! heh heh heh
sorry about the multiple comments… however…. YOU ARE REALLY A FRIGGIN IDIOT for having strokin’ as your myspace song… you need to warn people! LOL! I almost choked on my dayum dr. pepper! WHAT THE!!! that is the best!! LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“let me ask you something… how long has it been since you made love?” I forgot all about that song… wow. I am gonna pray for you! LOL!
Thanks yo! LOL. You have Clarence Carter on your myspace page?? That’s great. Sounds like something I would do. As far as that Wesley Snipes dark comment, you can have it use it as you see fit. Blade Snipes is a dark dude though. This cat is “blacker-than-the-space-in-between-commercials”. He’s in the guiness book of World Records right now in a two way tie with Manute Bol for darkest person on earth. Wesley Snipes is darker than his own shadow at midnight.
I’ve also heard he made disparaging comments about basically every working Black actor. In a nutshell, he said he preferred to work with white actors because he didn’t think any of the Black actors or actresses he had seen and/or worked with had any real talent. This was during the mid 90′s. Does anyone else remember this?
Too Wong Foo wasn’t Shakespeare.
@ hypmommy, I was basically saying that To Wong Fu, was just as bad as Eddie Murphy’s album, but we love them anyway.
My girl wants to party all the time, party all the time, party all the tiiiiime.
I heard on the radio that he bounced a $12 million dollar check. Don’t know how true that is. Now ain’t that summin’??
Good advice:
“Still, I’m supporting you, man. Keep your head up, and if things don’t work out, I’ll buy you a carton of Kool cigarattes so you can use them to give to the bullies so they’ll leave you alone.”
However along with keeping “your head up,” Wesley should be reminded to KEEP HIS BOOTY DOWN. Otherwise, he can swing his sword to toss the salad.
This is what happens when you let Ray-Ray nem get in your ear and tell you you don’t have to pay taxes. Death and taxes–two things you can’t run from.
Hustleman Hustleman! Great read as always. Even the comments are funny. JBiggs…”Two shades darker than closing your eyes” had me spitting orange juice all over my files. I needed new file folders anyway…keep it funny
*smh* lol.
Wesley, just like Ron Isley needs to know, just because you are a rich black man doesn’t mean you are above the law. You don’t fuck with the IRS. If they put flabby ol’ Leona Helmsley in jail, you know damn well that they’ll throw our black asses in there. Funny post as usual Hustleman.
Still laughing at your “Kareem Akbar, the educated brother from the bank” comment!!! I love it! You are crazy as hell – haHA