Today, I’m starting all of my profound observations on life with a qoute that leads you in perfectly. Why, you ask? Well, thanks to Friday’s arrogant rant that I went on while making fun of Kanye West, I think I messed up my karma, or chi, or whatever you want to call it. So to make up for it, I am going to allow other great men and women of distiction to be recognized on here with me. So without further adieu…
“To understand what it feels like to be black, you got to see someone break up a fight in the projects. With a baby in they hands. And it ain’t even they baby. It’s a Puerto-Rican stripper’s baby.” – Tracy Morgan’s character in “VH1′s Totally Awesome!”
Speaking of the black experience, you’ll never guess which time honored publication approached me in an effort to bring a fresh new audience(in other words, young professionals and people of color) to their website.
Like I said, you won’t guess it, so I’m going to go ahead and name it: Reader’s Digest.
I know what you’re thinking: Reader’s Digest is an old people magazine. I can’t lie, my grandmother had a subscription back in the day, so I thought the same thing. Over the past few days as I contemplated exchanging links with them, I read a few issues and I realized that it has a lot of good articles and content geared toward any audience. So as a result, I decided that mentioning their efforts to diversify and grow the audience of their humor section would not compromise the integrity of my blog, nor alienate the 12 people who actually read the crazy things I put on here. Besides, you all stand to make some money from this if you’re actually funny. I will tell you what I’m talking about, but first, another quote:
“I got a sick ven-detta to get this chedda” – 50 Cent
Basically, Reader’s Digest would like for you funny people to sumbit jokes. They pay anywhere from $100 to $300 per joke or funny story that gets published in the magazine. The magazine publishes about 75 per month, and to be honest, the pickings are slim when compared to the comic greatness that you ListenToLeon readers have become accustomed to. I know that sounded arrogant, but come on now. This is me talking. So it has to be true! Besides, I say that in order to let you know that there is a very realistic chance that you may see your joke or funny story published and get a check for it. So if you think you’re funny, go to http://www.rd.com/jokeline and submit a little something and try to win yourself some extra holiday shopping money.
“60% of the time, it works EVERY TIME.” – Brian Fontana from Anchorman
Now it’s time for me to do my civic duty. For those who have not gone to vote yet: DO IT! Especially if you’re in Virginia. I need as many people as possible to go to the polls and give George Allen a sound, open handed slap in the mouth. With your vote, of course. No need to actually assault a Senator. Jail time is never cool. George’s face will be fine in a matter of minutes. Your criminal record will not. Not to mention Allen’s people will toss you to the ground like they did to that one fellow last week. Nothing is more embarassing than getting stomped out by a group of old, angry conservatives. It’s not worth the momentary fleeting glory of one slap.
“By the power of Greyskull, I HAVE THE POWER!!!” – He Man
Speaking of He-Man, that was one brave guy. You have to be the Strongest Man in the Universe, and pretty secure in your manhood to fight crime in a furry pair of tightey-whiteys, some ugg boots, suspenders, bracelets and a cross patch on your chest. 
I think He-Man wore that outfit because he was looking for trouble. He’d walk around with Battle Cat saying “The first fool that makes fun of my clothes shall taste the SWORD OF POWER! COME ON! SAY SOMETHING! I DARE YOU!”
Ok, that’s enough for today. in the words of Russell Simmons: “Thank you very much, God bless you, good night.”
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Hey Leon,
Great post today! Very funny and though I am only 22 I LOVE Readers Digest as well. Nice touch adding in the vote factor, us people of color could take over the world if we all just voted. Rock the vote!!
i thought russell always sent his gospel text messages in the morining, maybe im wrong LOL.
“I’m in a glass box of emotion” ~Ron Burgundy
I have never read readers digest in my life, but good luck with them!
Congrats on the Reader’s Digest opportunity…it makes a good takin’ a shit read LOL! I hope you end up in Vibe, XXL, etc. Hey, maybe even Essence…you can write an autobiographical piece and have the ladies flock to you, yes? Hey, it worked for Kevin Powell when he wrote about his mysoginistic ways.
I’m just sayin’…
p.s. Leon, do you know Droopy?
i say go for it. readers digest’s money is as green as the next magazines. i’ve read it from time to time and they have good articles from time to time.
and i did my civic duty. i got my vote on…yeah me!
i forgot my quote…
what say there, fuzzy britches? feel like talking?
-shawshank redemption
that one was for he-man!
LOL@ HE-MAN
Yeah any muscle bound dude walking around in a stripper shirt with a Farrah do can prolly whoop yo ass!
If you could get the quotes correct… u’d be better off..
Russell Simmons says:
“Thanks for coming out, God Bless, Goodnight”
Thanks @ Kina
@ Peach, maybe he does. I only watched Run’s House to see the oldest daughter. She does it for me :)
@ Anonymous, I pretty much speak fluent Anchormanese now! I love that movie
@ Anonymous 2, Thank you
@ Anonymous 3, Nothing like good sh*terature! Also, I don’t know any Droopys, Saggys, Floppys or Flappys…Sorry.
Good stuff @ Aquababie
@ Tiara, he better be able to fight! If not, his life is going to be pretty rough.
@ Miss A, I don’t think Russell Simmons himself takes it that literally. No one really cares if I misquote the sign-off from Def Comedy Jam lol
Shouts to Leon for putting Reader’s Digest on. Quick PSA from RD: Not only can you submit stuff for the magazine (and win $100 for a joke, $300 for a funny true story), but you can enter our Tell Us a Joke contest and win $500, a trip to NYC and a chance to tell your funniest joke onstage at Gotham Comedy Club. No, really. Do it: http://www.rd.com/jokeline
oh so it is at night, my bad hehe