The other day, I decided to revisit a time from my past. A period that most of my readers never even knew about. One of fast living and hard partying. This era: The ListenToLeon Sex Symbol Era.
Yes people, there was a time when women actually desired to have sex with me. It was not that long ago, either. I was an official beefcake. Not just any old beefcake, but Brutus Beefcake! King Beef! I actually considered legally changing my name to “Meat”. THAT’S how much of a beefcake I was!
I even dabbled in a little modeling. One day when Billy Dee Williams and I were playing pool at Ralph Macchio’s beach house, I told him how cool his Colt 45 commercials were. I mean, yeah, he was plugging liquid crack that was placed in the ghetto to kill off the minds of black people(but you didn’t hear that from me). Still, that dude was smooth. I still say “Don’t let the smooth taste fool you” from time to time, just for the Hell of it.
Well, Billy Dee made a few phone calls, and next thing you know, I had my very own spokesman deal with a malt liquor company!
Next thing you know, other offers started to pour in. I learned a valuable lesson, though. NEVER entrust a friend to manage your career. My manager, whom shall remain nameless(PayPay), gave me this advice when approached with a potential deal:
“Man, who is going to buy some crap with a name like iPod? They’re $400! The thing doesn’t even play CDs! What the Hell kind of mess is that! Forget being their spokesman…I got just the thing to take your career to the TOP! You’ll be more famous than Miss Cleo and Jaret from Subway!”
This was what he signed me up for…
Needless to say, I was the butt of jokes across the entire spokesman industry. The “Dude you’re getting a Dell” guy stole my woman. John Basedow told me I wasn’t cool enough to hang out with a fitness celebrity and stopped taking my calls. I hit rock bottom when I heard the Geico caveman and lizard sitting around making jokes about me. They said I was a worse spokesman than that loud stereotypical negro puppet named “Thirst” that Sprite created a few years ago.
After that, I had to go take a sexy sabbatical. Hours were spent soul-searching…Pondering the meaning of life, and the reasons why God saw fit to make me so much more charming, handsome and brilliant than most people on Earth. I knew I was put on Earth to do more than sell malt liquor, have sex with models and take off my shirt to impress women as a member of John Basedow’s posse.
Oh yeah, I was also put on Earth for better things than delivering a beatdown to Pay Pay for talking me out of that iPod thing. I forgave him, because ultimately it was my fault for listening to him and not firing him on the spot. I think I was drunk. Or high. Or drunk AND high. Yeah, I had to have been DRY. Man that John Basedow throws some wild parties.
I realized that my purpose is to utilize my creative gifts for the good of mankind, and not just rely on my physical blessings. Oh yes ladies, I’m physically blessed. Just thought I’d re-iterate that last line for those readers with ovaries.
*Disclaimer: Although I did do some print modeling and a couple of fashion shows despite my 5’8″ height, everything in the paragraphs after the asterick is fiction. I do not know Billy Dee Williams. Pay Pay is not responsible for my bad credit. I was never a member of John Basedow’s entourage. The only factual part of the section below the asterik is the part about me being physically blessed. That part is true, and I can provide references and testimonials if required to do so. Please do not make me resort to that, because I am trying to turn over a new leaf and get away from that ultra-wild John Basedow fitness celebrity lifestyle.
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For a while there I really thought I was watching an E! True Hollywood story. The only thing you were missing was the drug scandal and the “finding yourself” at some church picnic in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Great post as always.
Lordy Lord Lord….I’m done. I’m gonna stop commenting, cause I feel like a “LTL” groupie! Seriously, you need to be writing for TV…
But you are fooling yourself if you don’t think Party Time Liquor on Rhode Island NE got the flyest damn sunglasses this side of Chanel! I’ve bought most of my shades from there for the past 2 or 3 years and I’m NOT kidding……
You made my morning, you’re a truly funny guy.
Keep on postinghxrriyuj
Leon, was that a can of 211 you were holding????
Damn, there’s a malt liquor called 211? LOL! Growing up in Newark, I heard many funny ass drink names, but 211 takes the cake! LOL!
Leon, I’m happy this story is fiction cuz I can’t picture you promoting any of that crap! You look like a light-skinned Stevie Wonder circa 1970s in the Clarence Carter Shades promo….
I have to make a weird face to hold in my laughter when I’m reading your post at my desk…I know my co-workers think I’m crazy. You are Hilarious.
P.S. I have the same shades
Let me be your manager!!
There are no words to describe how hilarious this shit is!!!!!!!
You seem to be very convinced that you are physically blessed..hmmm
Yes people, there was a time when women actually desired to have sex with me. It was not that long ago, either. I was an official beefcake. Not just any old beefcake, but Brutus Beefcake! King Beef!
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King Beef Eh?
i still havent seen the PROOF of leon jr lol!! and yes you are SUCH A BEEF CAKE…oh lord lol. I’m still laughing about the post where you said “make her overies dance” you kill me
You are fucking hi-la-ri-ous!!!!
Had it happened, I would have never called you “Meat”. And I’ve seen pictures!
YOU are a fool….that is all!
LMAO…man I need to head back up to DC for more fun and degenerate behavior!!
Dude, I’m not worthy of the new name you gave me on the side by the way! I just made a suggestion and pointed you in the general direction…blogging was already in you! But I appreciate the honor!
Thanks @ Jbigg. It’s not safe for me to go to Wisconsin due to a public statement I made about Brett Favre once…lol
@ Sister Toldja, I’ve bought liquor there, but never shades.
Thank you @ Vincent
@ Diva527, yes it was a can of 211
@ Anonymous, 211 Steel Reserve is one of the stongest Malt Liqours out there. Crackheads drink it when they can’t get their hands on any actual crack.
@ Bee, those aren’t even my shades, but I want a pair now!
@ Hostess, ok. You can be my manager.
@ Candy, God don’t like ugly. That’s why he loves me so much! :)
@ Hummingbyrd, they based the “King Beef” character on Martin off of videotapes of me in middle school.
@ Peach, the truth is out there…Tell Katt to get at me so I can show her firsthand and she can get the word back to you…LOL
@ E. Kane, thank you
@ Tasha, don’t act like you didn’t like what you saw! You’d call me whatever the hell I tell you to if I were the one giving you ding a ling! LOL
When I first started reading your blog, I said you should be writing scripts on a TV series. Writing/entertainment is your gift. Yeah, you silly as hell, but it’s all good. Women (such as myself) love men that can make them laugh. Also…can you slow the picture down a lil bit, all I saw were the nice cut arms, lol. It’s going so fast, I was getting dizzy trying to watch it, lol.
Keep Bloggin’
Regarding Hustleman’s “King Beef” Reference:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOOPoOJWkx0
you’re not funny
LMAO @ Peach! I’m going to stop talking about having sex with your friend…hahahahaha
@ Anonymous, thanks for posting the King Beef video!
@ DigThis, thank you. I’m still trying to make something happen. I’ll definitely keep up the writing.
@ Cal, let me know whenever you do plan a trip up this way. Next time, I’m going to make sure the strip club is not already rented out!
Speaking of shades I replaced my poor smashed Prada’s with some FOsace’s this weekend. LOL!!!!
Fuck Lotto buy stock in Leon!!!!
LOL! You truly have been blessed with a gift for humor!
ay, thirst was hella funny though. almost as good as lil penny. at least your boy never tried to sign you up as DIET COLA in the Bacardi and Cola commercials. THAT would have been the end of your career.
And when I run into you on the streets of DC I’ll remind you of what a has been you are. :-).
yousa plum fool! and i mean that with all the love and respect shown to a step-child. funny as ever good sir. and i’m dying at the john basdow references, your infomercial game must be at an all time high!
Re*tard*ed…JUst when I think it can get no funnier….along comes this