Apparently, last week was a little wilder than even I thought. I woke up this morning, and got a call from Mary Cheney, daughter of Vice President Dick Cheney. Here’s how our conversation went:
5:47 AM: *Phone rings*
Me: “Who the f*ck is this? Callin’ me at 5:46…”
Mary Cheney: “It’s 5:47″
Me: “You know what the f*ck I meant. Who is this?”
Mary Cheney: “It’s Mary. Mary Cheney. The Vice President’s daughter. Remember, you met me and my girlfriend Wednesday night after you did that round of Jager shots with the Secret Service agents?”
Me: “Ohhhh yeah. How are you? You’re not still walking funny, are you? I told you that you’d better stretch after all the things I did to you and her that night. Heh heh heh”
Mary Cheney: “I’m fine. I need to tell you something.”
Me: “What? Your girl wants me all to herself next time? If you don’t mind, I don’t”
Mary Cheney: “No. I’m pregnant”
Me: ” B*TCH IT AIN’T MINE!…I mean, how do you know already?”
Mary Cheney: “I took one of our special High Speed White House pregnancy tests. Bill Clinton had them installed in the Oval Office back in 1997. Then, Maury Povitch came over to my house personally to tell me it was yours.”
Me: “But I didn’t take a blood test. How do you really know it’s mine?”
Mary Cheney: “Maury said so. That’s good enough for me.”
Me: “Fair enough. Does your lesbian life-partner know?”
Mary Cheney: “Yes. She said if any one man would be the guy she’d let knock me up, it would be you. I had to slap her and remind her that she likes girls thanks to your antics that night. Why oh why did God have to make you so damned irresistable?”
Me: “I’m not God, so I can’t answer that. I can only think about it and smile.”
Mary Cheney: “We’re going to keep the details vague, because daddy will break out his shotgun and have another “quail hunting accident” on you if he finds out about this. For your safety, I’m not telling the press much. You can tell anyone you want, because no one is going to believe your ashy black ass.”
Me: “Is there any way I can get some Halliburton child support checks?”
Mary Cheney: “No, but you can get the f*ck up out my face with that bullsh*t.”
Me: “Alright. Well, I’m going back to sleep.”
There you have it. I’m the pappy! Yeah, I said it. You heard it here first. A ListenToLeon exclusive!
“I push my seed somewhere deep in her chest,
I push it naked ’cause I’m takin’ my test,
deliver it Mary, it don’t matter the sex,
I’m ‘gon name it Rock ‘N Roll”
:)
*Note: Everything in this entry above this line is false. In order to avoid a lawsuit, or ending up like that Russian spy, this disclaimer has been placed here.
Wow….LMAO!!! You are too much.
Okay!!!…thats your ass right there..I told you Friday to leave the lesbians alone and now you messing with the daughter of a man that shot his own friend in the face with a shot gun cause he thought he was a damn deer.
I should have spoke… but wasn’t sure if that would have been proper blogger etiquette…lol..I do have short hair and I do consider my legs to be nice… but I don’t recall a smile so may not have been me…if anything you looked like you were focusing on the next green/yellow line train coming…either way…it was my pleasure to admire you from afar
I am so offended you would rather knock up a lesbian than me…LMAO…that is a joke…and I am really trying to get the visual of you and her out of my head…lol she kinda funny lookin..and slightly mannish. You might be sexy but that baby would still come out lookin funny
Uh..You sir need counseling..lol
U + a white Lesbian = one bright skined freaky child….
*Lord Help Us!*
Man, if Hell has a VIP section…..
lmfao///
You are out of control!!!!! LMAO!!!
Ugh, Leon! A Cheney? wtf? Melissa Ethridge or Ellen Degeneris over that bia. What were you thinking?? Dick ain’t gonna like this not one bit.
lol
Leon, if you don’t mind my asking, do you plan on getting married one day? I find that most artistic males tend to marry and have children much later in life and since you have a slew of women prospects…
BTW…you and Peach would make a lovely couple. :)
I think the whole office enjoyed this one….keep’em up
Hilarious! Get that good Halliburton check! LOL
WHAT??? Leon, i didnt know you were a baby daddy. Well…it aint Oprah, but she is kinda paid so you good.
y couldn’t you have chosen Eva Mendez?
Hold up!
I thought you didn’t get into the lezzie bar!
@ Marisela, glad you liked it
@ Antneya, I warned you so that you can steer clear if you see me out at Happy Hour again. that way you won’t get hit by any stray bullets meant for me
@ Anonymous, I remember EXACTLY who you are now! E-mail me at HustlemanL77@yahoo.com :)
@ Peach, it would come out looking like some kind of Alien, despite my good genes
@ Candy, I’m beginning to think that you’re right
@ Kryssy, that’s hilarious
@ Sister, I’ll get you on the VIP guestlist with me if you keep laughing at the stuff I write lol
@ Midnite, thanks
@ Edizzle, That I am.
@ Anonymous 2, if Cheney assasinates me, say something nice at my funeral
@ Anonymous 3, I want to get married one day. Peach deserves better than me…But her friend Kat is juuuust right lol. Just playing @ Peach :)
Thank you @aster
@ Fabchoice, that’s my goal!
@ Diva, we’re going on a shopping spree once that first check comes
@ Miss A, Eva Mendez wasn’t around that night, unfortunately.
The Roots quote is still killing me.
dude you’re crazy! LOL
@ Amadeo, I added that a few hours ago. I figured it fit the rest of the entry perfectly.
@ Aqua, thank you
One of the most amusing yet disturbing posts ive read in some time. And keep messin with them Cheney’s if you want to but you know without a doubt that he will shot you.
Be careful about fucking with them Cheney’s. We don’t want to hear about you getting shot in the face during a hunting trip in Fredneck or Hagerstown somewhere.
You could have at least picked a better looking bulldagger. Shit, Portia DeRossi or Michelle Rodriguez. Never mind, Michelle looks like she would bite a dude’s dick off if it came too close to her.
The other Leon
Man, I am LMAO. A white lesbian,from a high profile family? I hope you don’t end up losing your n*tz. Pappa Cheney even as a bad shot did hit his friend pretty good.