Life can be rough for people under 6 feet tall. Especially for men. The challenges faced can seem insurmountable. Like climbing a mountain…Or in our case, a really, really tall hill. Taller guys autmatically assume they can whup their vertically-challenged bretheren. Women never fantacize about short men…always “tall, dark and handsome” ones. Oh, don’t mess around and defy the odds by getting a pretty woman that’s taller than you. Society in general will make you pay for that when you go places and people look at you two like “How in the hell did that little dude pull her?!” Hell, there are even constant reminders in the kitchen. Don’t put anything in the top cabinet unles you leave it near the front. Otherwise, it may as well not be there, because without a stepladder it’s invisible.
For these and other reasons, I choose to showcase men who have defied the obstacles that genetics and Mother Nature seemed to place in front of them. These are the Heroes of the Vertically Challenged
2007 Man of the Year: Earl Boykins
5’5″ Denver Nuggets guard Earl Boykins is the unanimous choice for Man of The Year, for the simple fact that he excels at the highest level of professional basketball, despite the fact that his head is dick level to most of the people guarding him on a nightly basis. I used to hate on him at first, because he messed up my “I didn’t make the NBA because I stopped growing” excuse. I tower over Earl, but I don’t want any parts of him on the court. So since Earl Boykins is busting peoples’ asses on a nightly basis while seriously running the risk of getting teabagged on national television by Yao Ming, I must name him Man of the Year.
While we’re on the topic of little NBA people, I must salute Nate Robinson from the Knicks for chasing Carmelo Anthony after that sucker punch he threw a couple of weeks ago. It’s funny when the smallest dude on the court has the most heart when a fight breaks out.
Dudley Moore also gets saluted posthumously, because he always had tall bimbos on his arm. I was never big on those “Arthur” movies, but whenever Dudley was on TV, he was always head-deep in some titty.
Another hero of the vertically-challenged is Omarion. I mainly put him up here because I still have that song “Ice Box” stuck in my head. Hell, I can’t lie, I like a lot of his stuff. I even contemplated buying a B2K album back in the day, but I could not bring myself to walk over to the counter at the CD store after looking at those greasy little youngins on the cover. My dignity would not allow me to be the butt of jokes in there after walking out the door. The sheer fact that I contemplated becoming the laughingstock of some minimum-wage record store employees over a CD lets me know that Omarion deserves recognition as well.
“DahDahDahDahDahDahDahDahDaaaaahDahDah”
The line above was me imitating the beat from “Entourage”, by the way.
Martin Lawrence has an all-time spot on the list for his comic influence on me. I would not be half the sh*t-talker I am today if not for his crazy antics.
These next two individuals were not famous, but I went to high school with them: Bert and Doo-Doo Bird. These two short, loud, funny guys were among the most popular and likable people at my school. This, despite both being smaller than the aformentioned Mr. Boykins. Doo-Doo Bird was actually a quarterback on the football team. Don’t ask me how he got that name, because there are many stories that abound. None of which have been confirmed, though. One of the more widespread ones was that he jumped off a table when he was a baby and sh*t on himself. Another was that he had trouble saying “do-do bird” while learning about animals that are extinct. I like the first story better, so that’s what I choose to believe. He’s probably gonna kick my ass if he ever reads this, so let me go ahead and end this tribute to him and Bert.
There you have it: the ListenToLeon 2007 Heroes of the Vertically Challenged. I even went the humble route and left myself off of the list this year. See, I am becoming a better man in this new year, as I call for unity among the short people everywhere. Let us all set our Napoleon Complexes to the side and embrace each other as we hate on the tall people of the world. Happy New Year everybody!
…except tall people. I only wish y’all an “aight” New Year.
Actually, I AM going to toot my own horn for a quick second. I was the first 5’8″ tall(in Timberlands) sex symbol. Don’t believe me? Click here to see me getting my Derek Zoolander on amongst a group of half-naked chicks. So yeah, I’m a hero, if I do say so myself. And I do say so. So you know the sh*t is true.
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for some reason unknown to me I have a lot of people tell me “you should model” it depresses the shit out of me when I hear a model search for something on the radio and they say “excepting all sizes” must be 5’7″ or taller. I’m 5’3″. They would have to adjust the camera just for the interview. Screw it LOL Happy New Year
I must admit, I still am a little undone over James Brown’s people contacting you. Why come none of the people who you say good things about don’t contact you?? I bet none of these cats you gave shouts to will have lawyers who reach out and thank you!
Peach, if it’s you in your avators, you take abstract photos…loves it!
I’m a 5’8″ female, does that make me tall? Not compared to lisa leslie or grace jones…
There’s the plight of the tall woman as well…only short dudes want to kick it to her, the jeans on sale look like Michael Jackson c. 1983 above her ankle…she has big feet…****sobs***
but her legs are fierce! OWWWWWWW!!! ***doing RuPaul/Naomi Campbell walk****
Have an aight New Year as well, Leon…fu#@ you! Oh boy do I ever….
He hasn’t done anything but, you should at least give a lifetime achievement to Spud Webb. Just Cause.
@ Peach, you inspired me to edit the entry…lol. I know what you mean though.
@ Hostess, celebrity lawyers are only motivated by money. They can’t make money from compliments, so that’s why that shit never happens.
@Anonymous, thats not me, you’ll never catch me with blond hair LOL besides, i am so much hotter than that LMAO
@Leon, you are a HAM for that photo. I have a picture of my prom dated that looks just like that. I’m not even in the pic but about 10 girls are surrounding him. He was short as hell too.
Have an aight New Year !?! Keep drinking milk Leon LOL Seriously…I mean I’m a 5’10″ chick and let me tell you…it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
3 examples of when being short pays off: flying coach (can’t always go First Class), shopping for a manual automobile (only VW seems to have mastered the art of the deep clutch), looking for sexy shoes (cause little people tend to have little feet). See those are things you don’t have to worry about.
Get a step ladder and use it with pride; although, an entry about you falling off your counter while trying to get your chicken noodle soup from the back of the top shelf could be hilarious.
Another bonus, a tall friend of mine secretly loves “not as tall” men because they are closer…yeah, just think about it;)
LOL. Man, being tall for a female is hard. I got out the car the other night to let my friend’s guy in…I towered over him like a giant! Granted I’m 5’9 AND was wearing stilletos…but it was a bad feeling for both of us.
Happy New Year! See you when I get back to the urrrrea.
Man, Leon, thanx for giving us under 6′ guys some recognition. At 5’10″, I used to have to check the 6’5″ small forwards all the time ( thank God for sharp quick bows that always brought them to my height). Don’t forget Tom Cruise, Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis. Short guys unite and take your place under flag of Napolean
6’4″ glad I’m not short. I’d probably slit my wrist. LOL!!!!!!
Shit, tall women are sexy too. I dated a female that was 4’11″ and she would have to stand on 3 steps just to give me a kiss was not cool. All you amazons out there get at your boy.
Play Lotto.
I don’t like really tall guys for some reason, they just look weird to me. Leon, don’t feel bad about liking Omarion, I like his music too.
Good look for shouting out the average to short dudes. Being 5’10″ myself, I have had my share of women not talk to me because I “wasn’t tall enough”. A very underrated fact: Timberlands are the absolute best thing to ever happen to short dudes. And Prince should get a “Life Time Achievement Award” as well. Dude has made a career of wearing typically homosexualish clothes, but I can’t remember one person ever calling him “gay”, that deserves something…..
Abolish Jim Jones!
Hmm… I’m gonna have to co-sign on the Lifetime Achievement nomination for Prince. Homeboy wears mascara… MASCARA!… and still manages to be a sexy muthayouknowwhat.
Is it really that bad for guys between 5’8″ and 6 feet? There are plenty of little chicks out there… I’m not one (5’5″, I’m average) but I know a lot. Or do y’all not get love from the petites either?
@ duck, I love all women, but I have a tendancy to date shorter petite women. That’s not to say that if a taller, non- petite woman, who was just as fine wanted to holla, I would decline. It’s just that for us fellas under 6’0″ the aforementioned problems as well as many more give us headaches daily.
LMAO. You have no idea what tall girls go through! You have an aight New Year too, funny guy!
Leon, I’m surprised you pay homage to Jermaine Dupri–after all–he’s the “HMIC”! Head Midget In Charge…
I suppose if we were all the same the world would be a boring place.When you are in a crowd of people and you are the shortest in the group and have the mickey taken out of you it can be annoying.I suppose i could also be told all the time by friends and family that i should be used to it by now.WELL no i aint, it aint funny being a guy and 5’0 tall and 25 years old now.Worst still is having taller sisters and a brother.Take my brother Gregg he is 27 and he is 5’6 then comes Paula she is 24 and 5’9.Lastly is Beth she is 20 and 5’4.I cant even blame my parents as both are 5’7 and 5’9.I instead have to be graced with being like my granddad and being short.At family gatherings we are always told that we look like a pair of bookends.Alot of my cousins are even taller than me and some younger.My friends are forever always laughing when i have to show id to get in clubs while they can just strode in.When in the clubs i am forever hearing haaaaa how cute is that poor guy.I have given up on asking woman to dance in the clubs as i always get if only you were 6 ins taller maybe.
Being at school with my sister and brother was a nightmare as my friends couldnt believe that i was actually younger than Paula and she was abit taller than me.
I do however have a very decent job and good pay so my height has not stopped me from getting on with my life.I do alot better at work as there are a few woman that are short and for some reason they take pity on me and laugh when either of us cant reach files that are too high on the shelves.Never mind hey
I cant think of any good things about being short.At my last physical i was told my height is barely 4’9.I said how comes has i am usually about 4’10.Well apparently over the years after a certain age in our 40′s actually we all start to shrink and that is why i am shorter than i used to be.I am now in my late 40′s and have a son who is 26 and he is 5’0 and a daughter who is 4’10 and 25.My husband is 5’3 so we didnt expect giants to be our children.I think that Byron always thought it was best to blame me for his lack of height.He was akways trying to rule our house when his friends come round.He always used to say that short parents short kids.Maybe so but he used to treat me terrible when i used to pick him up from school and he used to always say that he could never see me due to other parents that were tall.Nowadyas he seem alot better and respecting us for what we have done for them.He also has a good wife who doesnt bother about his height.Louisa is 5’6 and she never wears high heels not because of my son.So there are nice good people out there.
Sweet, I admire meelo! He is the hottest dude in bball! Go NYK!
Hilarious. The story of how Doo-Doo Bird got his name killed me.
Some poignant comments on this one, too, wow.
Glad you enjoyed this. Doo-Doo Bird is one of the all-time greatest nicknames ever! LOL