Robbing Banks

You know things are bad when you watch a TV show about crime, and realize that you are too screwed up to even be a criminal.

I was watching something a few weeks ago on cable, possibly the movie “Set It Off” or maybe reruns of Law and Order. Whatever it was, it involved a bank robbery. I remembered from my days of working at a bank, that ONE bank robbery, if well-planned, is not really all that difficult to pull off for a bold criminal with cajones.

Wait a minute…why am I speaking Spanish on my own site? I meant to say, a bold criminal with balls. Actually, since that’s a felony charge if caught, balls is an understatment. A bold criminal with cantelopes.

All you really need is a note that says “robbery”, something to carry the money in, and a means of escape. A gun might be handy, just in case the police or those armored truck guys are around, but like I said before, if well-planned, there is no real need for a weapon since tellers are supposed to cooperate in order to avoid a hostage situation or loss of life.

…Not that I ever REALLY gave any thought to doing this…I just watch TV, and once I saw it was possible, I set up a hypothetical scenario. Here are the top five reasons why I’ll never rob a bank:

5.)I don’t have enough reliable transportation.
Even before my car passed away, it was not exactly reliable enough to use for a getaway. I do not know how to steal cars, and I have a feeling that I’d have trouble trying to hail a cab while running out of a bank with a ski mask on. I can’t even catch one now in a business suit, so I already know I’d have settle for a bank near a metro station or have a getaway 10-speed waiting for me in the bank lobby.

4.)I don’t own a gun, and I don’t want to spend the money to get one.
I know I said bank robers don’t need guns, but just in case it gets ugly, one would come in handy. That said, I have bills to pay. I cannot afford to spend my money on something like that. The best I can do is buy the bullets in advance, and start a pistol savings account in the very bank I plan to rob. That, or get impatient and rob the bank with the box of bullets. If the sh*t hits the fan, I’ll start throwing ‘em at police officers while yelling out “BAAAW!!! BAAAAW!!! BAAAW!!! BAAAW!!!” Hopefully, while they’re laughing at me, I can make it to the exit and run like hell…and pay a white lady to hail a getaway cab for me.

3.)People know my face thanks to this blog.
I know at least one of you motherf*ckers would snitch on me if you saw my picture in the news from the bank security cameras. Treacherous sons of bitches.

2.)Jail is not the place for me.
I dont know if you got the memo, but I’m a fairly good-looking dude. Some have even called me a PMF. That stands for Pretty Motherf*cker, for those of you who aren’t good with abbreviations. I’d have to fight every day to protect my butthole from the bad guys. I’d even take up a collection from you readers to start a fund to donate cigarettes for me to use to pay off the bullies. That, or join the Nation of Islam in prison. They’d eventually kick my ass too, because it would only be a matter of time before I do something like have them smell bacon on my breath, or get caught eating some barbecue ribs from my man Lesse in Fredericksburg, VA. I can’t help it. I love swine.

1.)I can’t make money doing something that I know my Mom and Grandma would dissapprove of.
If I could, I’d probably be a big time porn star or black gigolo right now, instead of an artist and writer doing what I do, making people laugh.

Have a great weekend, and please stay out of trouble. I don’t want to see any of your photos on the news captured by security cameras. I wouldn’t rat you out, because I’m no snitch…but I will laugh at the picture with my friends. It’s only fair.