Last night, a copy of the Kim Kardashian and Ray J sex tape just happened to fall off of a truck and somehow ended up landing on my hard drive. This was an interesting turn of totally random events that had absolutely nothing to do with illegal file sharing since the damned thing just happened to fall off of a truck and land on my hard drive for free. Now that we’ve established the fact that no laws were broken, I felt is was my civic duty to watch this free gift from the porn gods and review it for your benefit.
I’ll start by saying this: That tape was NOT leaked. It’s pretty obvious that both of them knew that they were going to release the video. It starts with Kim putting on makeup specifically for the scene. It’s also suspicious that some of the background music during the non-sex scenes sounded like stuff by Ray J. What totally sealed the deal was when the man looked in the camera and delivered a message to all of people masturbating to the sex tape. In concept, that little speech should have been funny, but his joke delivery sucks.
Speaking of “sucks”, Kim did a halfway decent-looking job of that. Nothing spectacular, but I’m sure it probably felt good to Ray J. In between some clips of candid conversations between the two, Ray J returned the favor with some Colonel Angus, which I’m sure, is probably going to gain him some new female fans. It then jumped to more scenes of them hugged up, out and about town.
It appears that Kim Kardashian is easy to please sexually, because Ray J made the cardinal sin of homemade sex tapes: don’t try to f*ck and hold the camera yourself. Sure, it’s possible to get some great angles that way, but trying to keep a steady shot while simultaneously getting in some good strokes can prove to be a daunting task. I recommend a tripod and strategic body placement in order to make good cinema, and to put blow your partner’s back out.
Not that I’ve ever tried to have sex while holding a video camera. Or cameraphone. Or…ah f*ck it. Why lie?
Thanks to Ray J’s mistake, the sex scenes were ok, but could have better. Kim was acting like she loved it, which lets me know that if I ever do get to hump that woman, I’m going to wear her the f*ck out. If she’s that easy to please, I’d make her cry tears of joy and start speaking Swahili. Then send her in the kitchen to make me a BLT and a glass of kool aid. The only time Ray J got even remotely close to putting in a Leon-like effort on that thang was when he finally set down the camera. That allowed the man to focus on the sexy little trust fund chick underneath him. The only position that I know I would have done that Ray J didn’t is flip her over so she could ride for awhile.
Oh yeah, I would have worn a rubber, too. Now that there is conclusive evidence that Ray J’s DNA was once inside of Kim Kardashian, I would have to wear an extra-strength rubber if I were to ever hit that. I don’t want to go to the Dr.’s office one day and have him walk in with my test results talking about “Awww, wait a minute!”
Overall, I give the video a B- grade. Kim K. has a nice ass, and looks great naked. The production quality beats the hell out of any other celebrity sex tape(more proof that they intended to let the public see it), and luckily, nobody got peed on, as was rumored. What I did not like about it was that for the most part, Kim just layed there and looked pretty during the sex. I hate a chick that thinks being pretty gives her an excuse to be lazy in bed. DO SOMETHING, WOMAN! That’s why Ray J. should have put her on top and made her lazy ass ride for awhile. That’s a waste of a perfectly nice booty. She should have been throwing that thing back on him!
The Official ListenToLeon Swagger Scale Rating:
I hope my review helps. If you’re interested in actually paying for the tape, you can get it at www.kimksuperstar.com, which is a link that I would not click on at work unless you are looking to get yourself fired so that you can collect unemployment. It’s smut, for Christ’s sake! Use common sense before viewing it.Tweet