While conversing with a friend of mine tonight, the topic of my bad ass childhood came up. It did not take long for her to ask me what was the absolute worst thing I did when I was a child. Now, normal people would not have to take a moment to think about this one, but this is me that we’re talking about. If you’ve read this blog before, then you know that my screw-ups tend to be spectacular in fashion.
I really had to take a step back for a moment and ponder: Was it the time that I knocked the parking brake off of the car when I was 5 and ran it into a brick wall? Or was it the time I gave a World Wrestling Federation powerbomb to my cousin T on my sister’s bed, then threatened him if he did not silence his crying and stop holding his back? Maybe it was when I beat PayPay with that Transformer the time he tried to steal it from me? Nah…Pay Pay had that coming to him. It could have been that time I got a pen cap stuck in my nose and had to go to the hospital at age 4…
Wait a minute! Now I remember! It was when I threw the book at my momma.
No, seriously. Literally threw the book at her. Not in a legal sense, but in a “chuck this book upside your head” type of way. Before you all rush to judgement, let me first say that it was an accident. Mom talked her usual trash to get under my skin, and I just so happened to have a dictionary in my hand. She turned her head, so I pretended to throw it, but the damned thing slipped out of my hand. It didn’t hit her very hard, but it was a hardback dictonary to the face. Something like that would have probably made Ghandi mad enough to choke a fool out in the middle of the street.
Once that book left my hand and hit Mom’s face, I went from shock, to concern to sheer terror all in about one second’s time. My mother was furious, and storming towards me. My brain was saying “RUUUUUN!!! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! I DON’T WANNA DIIIIIE!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEEEEAAASE!!!”
Somehow, that message got lost between my brain and my legs. I just froze up like a deer in the headlights, staring directly across at the woman who was sure to whup me within an inch of my life. I wanted to move, but I was paralyzed with fear.
I don’t remember much from the actual ass whupping, other than I don’t think I’ve ever seen a belt come off of someone so quickly, and fly through the air with such lethal force! “Roots” looked like a Disney Channel show compared to the whupping I got that day. I wouldn’t be suprised if Mom threw a few closed fists in there, because a belt alone could not possibly administer that kind of pain. It was one of those whuppings where you want to cry, but when you try to, no sound comes out of your mouth. You just stand there with your mouth open, looking look like a deaf mute who just burned his hand on the stove. It was the kind of whupping where you wish you could pass out, but God decides to keep you conscious just to teach you a hard life lesson. I didn’t even know Spanish at the time, but “No mas” was the only phrase I could find the strength to muster after Mom, her belt, that leather flip-flop, and whatever else she used to administer that ass whupping were out of the room. Roberto Duran, I feel your pain, bro.
Once I regained the use of my legs, I apologized to mom and explained that it was a mistake. I guess she forgave me eventually, but I’m not sure. I still think that the loves my sister more than me because of that book incident. Either way, I do want to apologize one more time, Mom.
I’m about to segue into two totally unrelated things real quick; Number 1 being the need for me to get questions from you, my dear, beloved readers. I’m doing an advice column for ladies in an upcoming publication entitled Velocity Magazine, answering women’s questions from the male perspective. So please, send your best questions to godsgifttoovaries@gmail.com and I will answer the most intriguing ones in the magazine. You can do it anonymously if you want, or I can make you famous. Whatever floats your boat.
The other unrelated side item is that I think I ran into one of the DC Blogger people at Borders today, but I wasn’t sure. I tried to get her attention when she walked past, but she kept it moving and carried the Hell out of me! Hopefully, it was the wrong person, because if not, that was cold business! Hilarious…but cold business! She started power walking when I said “Excuse me.” I can’t remember the URL to her blog, but I’ll try to find it tomorrow so I can forward this and see if it really was her or not.
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Oh, I am cryin’! That was too funny (sorry to laugh in the face of your pain, but I sure did need that). You remember not running, but I remember an incident where I did…trust me, it’s bad either way. I decided running under the bed would be a good idea, since she couldn’t possibly catch me under there. Yeah, right.
“It was one of those whuppings where you want to cry, but when you try to, no sound comes out of your mouth. You just stand there with your mouth open, looking look like a deaf mute who just burned his hand on the stove. It was the kind of whupping where you wish you could pass out, but God decides to keep you conscious just to teach you a hard life lesson. I didn’t even know Spanish at the time, but “No mas” was the only phrase I could find the strength to muster after Mom, her belt, that leather flip-flop, and whatever else she used to administer that ass whupping were out of the room.”
Funniest.paragraph.ever.
You do realize that your own kids are going to be bad as ever simply because the universe will be paying you back for throwing a book at the woman who gave you life! You should be ashamed. Oh and you’re right. She probably does love your sister more. :-)
One of the hardest things to do is fake cry when getting a beat down. I rememeber numerous times I had to do that with my pops I finally realized that putting on 3 pairs of drawers will ease the pain. I’ve pushed him once but nothing happen because my grandpops broke it up. My pops was at fault and stole me in my jaw for no reason.
I remember one time as a lil kid I pushed my mom and grabbed the stick out her hand and threw it on the floor. I ran, she caught me, and gave me a beatdown I would never forget. True story.
*wiping tears away*
Leon, this was funny as hell. Stories like this are why this is one of my favorite blogs!!
…and the fact that you’re kinda cute doesn’t hurt either!
I can’t even begin to explain how hard I just laughed in my office! I think I might have some internal damage, because I was trying to hold in the noise! Leon…that was the funniest story I’ve read in a while! Just when I think you’re level of hilariousness can’t get any higher, you find a way to raise the bar! I’m sorry you got beat like that, but I know the feeling. I was a good kid, but I still figured out a way to get punched in the stomach by my mother when I was like 9 or 10! Damn those pre-teen years and my smart mouth!
OMG! HA!
I’ve been reading your blog now for about a year and this is undoubtedly the funniest post you’ve ever written! My roommate thinks I’m crazy since I’m laughin so hard! Love your work Leon…but your momma still owes you one! You should let her throw a book at your head!
Funny. I was just as bad as a kid. I ran a car into a gate too… yup.
I think I just hurt myself laughing. Definitely not the blog to read while recovering from surgery. I know it was the “deaf mute” line that did it. Best laugh ( and by far the most painful) I’ve had in weeks. Thanks for being a bad ass Leon!
Leon, you know you’re a fool and I damn near had an aneurysm laughing at you. But I gotta tag you on using the phrase “deaf mute”. The term is deaf. Not mute, just deaf. Learn it, live it, love it.
ALove
LMFAO! That’s all I can say!
@Enchantress, you can run, but you can’t hide!
@ Teetbit, thanks. Glad you liked it.
@ Hostess, I am still ashamed. It’s one of those things neither I, nor Mom, will EVER bring up in casual conversation. Thanks for damning my future offspring, by the way ;)
@ Kingpin, once you grab the object used to whup your behind, the gloves are off in the parent’s mind!
Thanks for both compliments @ Mona B :)
@ Thai, I’m sorry for any internal damage that I may have caused with this entry
@ Natalie, I’m going to call you tomorrow about The Common Share’s page.
@ KennedyQueen, check the “Greatest Hits” link and read “Dry Humped on the Green Line” and “Anal Sex”. Those ones are pretty funny, too. Thanks for the compliment, and I’m gonna have to pass on letting mom hit me in the head with a book. I probably suffered enough damage when Big Carlos threw that spoon at my head back in the day. That’s another entry you should read: “The Spoon Heard ‘Round The World”
@ Fiyah, I’m glad to know that I’m not the only kid whose done that.
@ B’write, laughter is the best medicine! Here’s to a speedy recovery from your surgery :)
@ Anonymous, I used the term “deaf mute” because I cried but no sound came out, hence the mute part. Deaf was just thrown in there to further illustrate that there was no sound at all(and for comic effect). So there was a method to the madness that I typed up there. I do understand why you corrected me, though. I’m sure hearing people say that can get irritating when they don’t know what they’re talking about.
@ Kryssy, glad you liked it
I’m LMAO @ you having to think so hard before finally picking a moment…those other ones were def. close seconds. As a fellow ass whupping recipient, I feel your pain… Sorry for making you recall such a painful memory LOL!
Okay….godsgifttoovaries is your gmail address?
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HUH-larious!! and you do not own an email address calling yourself God’s gift to ovaries! wow…
Hil-fucking-larious! I can just feel the fear that you felt that day. Reminds me of the time my dad thought i hit my mom and i really didn’t and he pulled me off of the floor by my hair and told me to never hit is woman! I was like damn i didn’t hit her, i was only trying to block the 3rd slap to my face for talking back to her. Yeah I had the fear of God in me that day! Great story!
This was the first post I ever read from you and it is STILL my fave lol. I had to cover my mouth reading this.
I have reading your blog since last year, and I think this was my absolute favorite. Oh and anyone about you and the little puerto rican you used to fight on..Pedro?? Was that his name?? LOL