“You know she keep that white girl, Christina Aguilera, her jewlrey too loud homeboy she can’t hear ya”.
Everybody is giving Lindsay Lohan a hard time over her cocaine problem. I mean, sure, she’s turning into this generation’s Robert Downey, Jr. with all of these arrests. Still, the media should cut her some slack. It’s tough to adjust to adulthood sometimes when you grew up as a child star. I know, from firsthand experience.
When I was a young child, growing up on the mean streets of Fredericksburg VA, I decided that singing was going to be my way out of small-town USA and into the good life. I entered talent show upon talent show, using my smooth, soulful vocals to get auditions in New York and LA. My first bit of work was as a stunt double for El DeBarge. If you look closely in the “Rhythm of the Night” video, and pause it at the part where El DeBarge spins around, you’ll see that the move was all me!
From there, I got the opportunity that would change my life. I became a member of Menudo. Nevermind the fact that I’m actually black and only knew curse words in Spanish at that point in my life…I had the look, and could do the steps, so I was in there. Once I learned Spanish years later, I was dismayed to find out that the stage name they gave me, “El Sucio”, actually means “The Dirty One.” Racist management…Just because I was slightly darker than the rest of them…Why I gotta be the dirty one?! I actually smelled WAY better than the rest of those no deodorant-wearing-in-the-summertime kids in the group.
Despite the horrible stage name, I became a star! My rise to fame became meteoric when I sand the lead on the international classic hit single “Como Se Dice, Let Me Lick You Girl.”
It was a wild ride! Mexico City. Honduras. Israel. Morocco. Iceland. Kenya. Scotland. Everywhere we toured, we brought down the house. But alas, it all came to an end, thanks to jealousy and betrayal.
In Menudo, you are a member until your 13th birthday, your voice starts changing, or you grow pubic hair. Whichever happens first. Ricky Martin was always jealous of me, since I was a natural born star, and he had yet to come into his own. Well, one evening after a performance in the Dominican Republic, I caught Ricky glancing in my direction as I was changing. All of the sudden, he yells out “MIRA! MIRA! EL SUCIO TIENE HAIR DE LA PUBLICA”
Right then, I knew I was in serious trouble! I began rubbing it with soap while yelling ”IT’S NOT HAIR! I SWEAR TO YOU! IT’S DIRT! IT’LL WASH OFF! YOU’VE GOTTA BELIEVE ME!”
Alas, they did not believe me, and I was ousted from the group. Ricky Martin went on to reap untold fortunes from his music career, and live La Vida Loca. I, on the other hand, am writing blogs, living La Vida Broka, until something good happens.
*Disclaimer* The above story is fiction. Menudo never searched my genitals for hair, and I bear no ill will towards Ricky Martin at all. I have to make that clear to avoid any lawsuits. However, I do wish Lindsay Lohan luck in her battle with addiction.
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LMBAO! Menudo, huh? LOL! Get a load Ricki’s Spanglish! Sure, Ricki has load of dough and he tried to get back in the game with Amerie as his video interest…his time is up..
Now, you, Leon, should drop that Dry Humping on Your Mama’s Couch album..that’s what I’m waiting on!
El DeBarge is so gonna punch you in the face one day! LOL!
Oh, and by the way:
FIRST!!! IT’S A CELEBRATION, BITCHES!!! Grab a drink, grab a glass..
Oh, Blohan isn’t gonna quit her addiction any time soon…
No comment on Beyonce’s fall, Leon? You slippin’!
Karma is an equal opportunity Byooooiiiieeeee!
You’re just hopeless. LMAO I came here wondering what you were up to and *throwing hands up* I’m just mad at you. And TRULY mad that “pubic hair” in Spanish is “hair de la publica.” I just give up. You’re a mess. LOL
Everyone knows that I was the real star of Menudo, so stop taking credit for our meteoric rise to and sad descent from stardom.
P.S. “EL SUCIO TIENE HAIR DE LA PUBLICA”. You had public hair?
LOL @ Arjewtino! That’s why I put the disclaimer there! I admit that it’s fiction! I got cut on the third episode of “Making The Band: Menudo” LOL
@ Xquizzyt1, maybe I should have done my research on the actual translation of “pubic hair”
@ Wonderlove, I still haven’t seen the Beyonce clip yet. It’s been emailed to me at least 3 or 4 times, though…so I’ll take a look real quick.
poor thing. it must have been hard. just getting the boot like that…and through it all, you overcame. you truly are role model and hero to us all. You and your pubic hair.
Mean Girls was a really funny movie. My ex-girlfriend made me watch it and I am glad she did. I hope Lohan can get it together too. In other news, I am surprised you didn’t want to be a member of New Edition. The NE lineup changed almost as much as Menudo.
@ Jabari, I said Menudo since it’s funnier…and because I’m not hispanic, but I look like it to most people.
@ Chevon, me and my pubic hair appreciate the recognition! You are a great one yourself. You could be the Coretta Scott to my Dr. King!
Lindsey is a sad sad case.
When she was barely legal she had crossover appeal. She could act, she could (kinda) sing, she had a hellified rack, and was kinda thick in a way that made a brotha take notice.
She was the Michael Jackson, Lionel Richie, and Prince of tail. A true prodigy. She was the kinda white girl that would get us in trouble when we were out with our girls. Yet the white guys never held any extra fullness in the hips and heft in the chest against her.
Commerically she was smarter than Jessica Simpson, could act better than J-Lo, and was younger than Halle. Not that it mattered, what was really important was that she was like the Lebron James spank bank material.
Sadly, I, like many guys didn’t find this out until she was already on a downward spiral towards Tara Reid-dom.
A very sad sad cautionary tale for children seeking stardom. I worry she will go even lower and become Maia Campbell… who is another cautionary tale about starring in tv shows with Alfonso Ribeiro. But that tale, amigo, is for another day.
Oh where being a lighskindeded brotha will take you lol!! You got curly hair too huh? And I’m not askin bout your pubes!!! Your spanish is HORRIBLE ROFL!!!!
That is the funniest ish….OMG I’m at work and could barely contain my laughter..You a fool “El Sucio.”
It’s pendejo, Leon. That’s how you say pubic hair in spanish, cuban-way anyways.
Tha hell with Lindsay Lohan. She gonna jack people’s car, go nutz and oh, yeah, the brother did it.