It’s been awhile since I’ve been inspired to write about any crazy experiences while riding the Metro. I guess the word got out to most of the mentally insane and/or smelly people in the city that I tend make people famous when they mess with me. Apparently, one near-toothless passenger on the car I was on must have missed the memo.
For some reason, the train stopped for about five minutes in-between each station. While most of the passengers remained calm and seated, Snaggle Tooth Sammy decided to vent his frustrations with metro for the whole car to hear. He began wandering up and down the aisle, saying things like “They bombed the Pentagon. They need to bomb this motherf*cker right here! WHY ISN’T THE TRAIN MOVING!”
This went on for about two stops and ten minutes, until he got into an argument with someone who was tired of listening to his voice. By the time the argument was over, I was on the phone returning a missed call. I didn’t notice that Snaggle Tooth Sammy had made his way over to where I was until I heard his voice saying something indistinguishable. He then started beat-boxing in the aisle about 5 feet away from me. Normally, I would have laughed at something like this, but since I had been on the train for 30 minutes, and I was on a phone call, I gave Snaggle Tooth Sammy a look that said “Get the hell away from me, you crazy fool!”
As I was hanging up the phone, I heard Snaggle Tooth Sammy say “He don’t understand me. I bet if I gave him a burrito, he’d understand me! I bet if I through a rock on the floor, and a burrito, he’d understand the burrito.”
At this point, I looked him dead in the eye and said “B*tch, I’ll knock those last three teeth out your mouth! I’m not even hispanic, I’m black, you dumb @ss, racist piece of sh*t!” I didn’t have any reservations saying that at first, considering Sammy only weighed about 135 pounds, and could barely walk straight. Then, I thought about it: There’s no winner when you fight someone like that. I could go Kimbo Slice* on him and deliver a bare-knuckle beatdown, but what would that prove? I’d look like a bully, and I’d get blood all over my fresh-to-death lavendar pimp-ass button up shirt. In the remote chance that Snaggle Tooth Sammy actually catches me with a lucky shot and knocks me out, then I just got whupped by a skinny homeless-looking man with four teeth in his mouth. I can’t win for losing.
After I lashed out, Snaggle Tooth Sammy took a few steps back and then started talking about how good the headphones are on his cheap ass $7.99 radio. He then walked over to the back of the car, and got off at the next stop. Two stops later, I arrived at my destination, still looking like new money and smelling like a high class French whore in Singapore.
*In case you all don’t know who Kimbo Slice is, imagine Mr. T in his prime, beating people’s asses in parking lots and posting it on Youtube. Warning: graphic ass-whooping footage. If Snaggle Tooth Sammy had looked like THIS motherf*cker, I think I would have let his comments slide!
On an unrelated note, here are two more popular youtube clips to pass the time:
They even got Stewie and Peter Griffin to Crank Dat Soulja Boy :(
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YOOOOO!!! Why did he beat box though?!! Was he any good lol? And him thinking that you were Puerto Rickan or something is PRICELESS lol. Burrito on the floor!! ROFL!!!
Aye, I was at my desk like “What, beat boxing burritos?” Most kats whudda sat and sid nada, Nice move!
Cant “F” up the pimp shirt homie!
wow. u never cease to make me crack the fuck up.
thanx.
“I bet you if I throw this burrito on the floor!”
Ilove it!
“I bet if I threw a rock on the floor, and a burrito, he’d understand the burrito.”
LMAO!!!! As if a rock is THAT MUCH MORE complicated than a burrito… That’s some funny shyt, man, I’m in tears over here!!
Leon, since you’re a fan of Kimbo, you should know he’s fighting Tank Abbott in a couple of weeks in the Octagon. After losing to an MMA fighter, Kimbo started training with MMA badass Bas “el Guapo” Rutten, and now he not only punches like a monster, but he can wrassle too. Holy crap! That’s gonna be some fight.
I’m hoping he knocks out Tank, because 1) Tank’s an asshole, and 2) if he can beat Tank, they’ll probably match him up against guys like Chuck Lidell, Tito Ortiz, and BJ Penn. Hellllooooo Pay Per View.
LOL! Well, it beat’s Alvin and The Chimpmunks Crank That Soulja…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8JX3sQ33Bo
This cat Kimbo looks like a Barry Bondsed (HGH enhanced) Papa Smurf. But I wouldn’t dare tell him that to his face. I saw him punch a horse once and the horse has been a giraffe ever since.
And that second link was HILARIOUS!!!!
The “freestyle” was hilarious and pretty creative. I was disappointed YouTube removed the Family Guy link…oh well.
lmao…..wow…lol
i think we’ve all had our snaggle tooth sammy moments during our rides on public transportation. recently i was on the train with my best friend and this old ass guy didnt have any shoes or socks on his feet. (hepititis waiting to happen) he had no teeth and he smelled horrible. we sat all the way on the other end of the car and he was staring at us swinging from pole to pole screaming out obscenities to us talking about he wanted to f*ck us until we begged him to stop and he wanted us to suck on his balls lmaoooooo at first i was disgusted and then after a while i started to get a little turned on by his vulgarness lol nah im just kidding naturally me and my friend ran off the train into the next car but unexpectedly he was fast and he chased us we banged on the conductors door until he came out. he stopped the train and took care of the situation. things like that happens all the time on the train out here in new york. we sort of get accustomed to it after a while. lol
I had a run-in with a Sammy, but mine was a female. I sat across from this lady on the bus one morning and who obviously was watching me as I got on the bus because as soon as I sat down [and it seemed at the top of her lungs] said “you got some big titties”! I was OMG, no she didn’t just say that out loud! And it was kinda quiet that morning, ya know people reading the newspaper and whatnot, but when she said that everybody looked up and straight at me. I was sooo embarrased. It wasn’t like a had on a tank top or a low cut shirt or something that would draw attention to my breast, I was dressed professionally for work. I tried to ignore her but she wouldn’t let it go. She started going on and on about bra sizes and this other crazy stuff, lucky for me my stop was coming up and just when she saw I was gathering my stuff to get off, she said “I wear a size 34, what size you wear?” [as if she was asking where I got my shoes or something from, lol] as nice as I could, but with a lil sarcasm, said “oh I was a 34 in the 5th grade”….straight cracked her face! I wanted to choke the hell out of her. I was so happy to get off that bus and of course as I was walking to the door, I could feel people’s eyes staring at my breast, lol.
i think everyone needs that hysterical story from riding public transportation. i remember while i was on the marta (atlanta train), headed home from work, this guy was in my car going around asking people for change. he gets to the end of my car and starts asking specifically for 14 cents. so one girl then proceeds to give him the change, but before she could pull her money out he says “i need 14 cents…NO PENNIES THOUGH”. now, usually i try not to laugh at the crazies/homeless people but that shit was HILARIOUS. so homegirl is like, “i can’t give u 14 cents with no pennies”. this dude then proceeds to EXPLAIN how u can make 14 cents with no pennies and calls it a “moy-nee” (whatever the fuck that is). We’re all sitting there on the train looking at each other like “this nigga is wildin!”. I couldn’t WAIT to get off the train, so I could call somebody and bust up laughing!!!
thats the funniest ish ive ever heard
LOL at all the train stories! I had a crazy one on my train two weeks ago. This homeless, crackhead was yelling out all kinds of nonsense. I pretty much ignored him the whole ride because I was listening to my iPod and reading a magazine. Towards the end of my ride, I made the fatal mistake of looking up at him and we made eye contact. The guy sitting next to me got up and this fool sat right next to me and proceeded to lecture everyone on the train (we’re pretty much all college students) about how we’re going to school to get all smart and we don’t need school to be successful. I wanted to ask him how not going not going to school was contributing to his success but my momma told me it takes a fool to argue with one.
LMAO!!!
LMFAO!!! The metro is a wild, wild place. My husband had the pleasure of riding on the train with a gentleman who loudly proclaimed that he would “suck the booty juice from any man’s @$$ crack” and that he would take any woman’s man and send him back home gay. My husband was going to say something, thought about it and was afraid the guy might demonstrate his skills on him right there in public.
And man, Kimbo slice. I had no clue what you were talking about until I saw the pic. I want to hire him as my bodyguard. Just pay him in sammiches and watch him beat down any punk stupid enough to step foot in my cube. He is the King of bum beatdowns and we are but his loyal subjects.