Delusions of Grandeur
Posted by ListenToLeon on
November 16, 2007
I have made a conscious effort these past few months to avoid calling people “ugly.” There actually are some very wonderful human beings on this Earth who just happened to end up getting the short end of the stick genetically. For that reason, I have tried to slow down when it comes to making fun of the aesthetically-challenged. The appearance impaired. Or, as they are known in most scientific circles, mud ducks.
Sometimes, these people have kind hearts and giving spirits. Then, there are the other times. The times when the unattractive become detached from reality and forget that they are not cute. I experienced this the other day when leaving the Metro.
I was coming up to the top of the escalator, and some young ladies were walking by. Neither one was attractive at all. I wouldn’t even give either enough credit to wear the label of Nightcrawler. For those readers who are not shallow jackasses like myself, here is the clinical definition of the term Nightcrawler:
Nightcrawler – (noun) A rather unattractive person whom you might somehow have sex with after a night full of drinking and/or recreational drug use, but you will never, under ANY circumstances, be seen with or acknowledge in broad daylight. Derived from the earthworm of the same name, encounters with Nightcrawlers are to remain underground and buried deep in the mushy soil of hazy drunken flashbacks.
Since Nightcrawler is not a strong enough term to do those women justice, I will refer to them by nicknames that more accurately fit. When I saw King Kong Bundy and Leprous Sasquatch, I didn’t pay them any mind, since I was just trying to get home and relax. As they passed, I heard Leprous Sasquatch say “Giiiirl, he better not come over and try to talk to me!”
Upon hearing this, I kind of slowed down, with a look of sheer confusion and disbelief on my face. I thought to myself “Are these Humalayan Yeti-looking, Abominable Ho-Man Beast Woman motherf*ckers for real?” and then just kept on walking.
My next thought was, “It must be rough looking like them. I wouldn’t be suprised if both of them stand next to each other in the bathroom each morning reciting the words ‘I’m sexy!’ out loud for two hours straight until they’ve almost conditioned themselves to believe it. Maybe ol Battlecat and Mum-Ra over there wanted me to walk over and talk to them, and thought that reverse-psychology would do the trick. Maybe they’re just on drugs. I’d be depressed enough to sniff a few lines of something if I had to walk past mirrors looking like that.”
See…Even when I’m talking trash, I care about my fellow human beings! Maybe it’s a good thing that those rabid wildebeests have extremely high self-esteem. It may prevent them from comitting crimes in the future. Then again, crime might be the perfect choice of career for the unattractive. Have you ever tried to REALLY look at an ugly person’s face? It’s painful. Like looking directly into the sun. If that Patrick Ewing in a dress looking chick had tried to rob me, I would have either just looked at the concrete and passed her my wallet, or told her to go ahead and shoot me, because whatever awaits in Hell cannot possibly compare to the horror I just laid eyes on!
28 Responses to “Delusions of Grandeur”
You are hilarious……….really. That post is so funny, its going to take me a few minutes to digest the hilarity of it and consume the pure comedic elements of it, to laugh my ass off in a few minutes. Nightcrawler? Humalayan Yeti-looking, Abominable Ho-Man Beast Woman motherf*ckers? …..:death:
By KraZy34th on Nov 16, 2007
Leon, welcome to our world! Of course with your fine self, you have little if any problems talking to women. We however have to endure the male counterparts of those Humalayan, Yeti-looking folks of the male persuasion who SWEAR they are the finest things to walk the earth!!! Usually on a regular basis…. Nice to know there is, on occasion, some balance! You ARE wild! I have only posted a few times, but I get my laugh on with your posts :)
By Vahostage on Nov 16, 2007
LMAO
By Bre on Nov 16, 2007
i never understood how someone can sleep with someone who they say is so hideous. that to me is disgustin. how can you stick your dick in someone that looks like a monster? LMAO someone please explain to me how you are turned on enough to bust a nut by a ugly person.
By Ms. SarKastic on Nov 16, 2007
DAAAMMMN LEON!!!!
By Erica Reid on Nov 16, 2007
lol man…
ugly girls with nice bodies, usually have a future in porn. id name names but that might catch up with a nigga lmao. but there are SEVERAL examples lol, im sure youve seen em. lol
WOOO ive seen some ugly girls out there… like jaw dropping ugly lol. I remember me and resha saw some girl out there that wasnt just ugly but was as dark as she was ugly, she looked like her nickname should have been “TTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSS” you know the sound meat makes when it hits the grill?? yes. i love dark girls but gotdamn, you couldnt tell she had eyebrows lol.
By O.com on Nov 16, 2007
OMG!… I am teary eyed from laughing so hard. You are freakin hilarious! I understand exactly where you’re coming from, but from a female perspective of course. On the flip side, goulish looking men usually derive their confidence from money and sucess. Either way, someone is going to sleep with them… it’s both sad and disgusting. But even the creatures must breed… go figure.
By kdesirae on Nov 16, 2007
Damn boy, you a rough dude!
By Jelani on Nov 16, 2007
Ok that was funny. I laughed for a good 2 mins off that one.
By va slim on Nov 16, 2007
Boy you are KRAZY!!! I feel you though. I had a situation similar to that happen to me recently at the club trying to get a drink. Scallywags need to stay in their place! All unattractive women should heed this message…WORK ON YOUR BODIES BECAUSE YOUR FACE AIN’T GETTIN’ THE JOB DONE…sorry for the PSA but you inspired me bro. lmao
By E. Watts the Hustler on Nov 16, 2007
to o.com… LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
By jirzygurl on Nov 16, 2007
@ Krazy34th, thanks. I was hoping someone would like the names I chose.
@ Vahostage and Kdesirae, yeah, women have it bad as far as that’s concerned, but then again, those ugly guys are the same ones buying y’all drinks all night at the club. don’t bite the hand that feeds you…I mean, gets you drunk for free! ;)
@ Ms Sarkastic, the answer: extremely excessive amounts of alcohol and sheer force of will. Or maybe a brown paper bag with a picture of Jessica Alba’s face on it to put over her head if you’re extremely grimy!
@ O, “TSSSSSSS” is HILARIOUS! Plus, I know you don;t want to burn any bridges, so I understand not naming names, my brother!
@ Jelani and Erica Reid, I had a feeling this was going to come off as insensitive and harsh. I’ll work on my delivery ;)
@ va slim, I’m glad you enjoyed it
By Hustleman on Nov 16, 2007
You are soooo fired for this…but I do use the term boogawolf a little too often.
By Passion on Nov 16, 2007
Dayum, I haven’t heard “mud ducks” since high school. Not referring to me of course…
Nightcrawler is better than the term we use, “back door dude” aka BDD. Especially since our term can be misinterpreted. But when my bff and I shared an apartment, we had a back door and a front, and some folks only came through the back, and was never seen in daylight or with the lights on…
King Kong Bundy and Leprous Sasquatch? Man you are too funny though…
By Marleaux on Nov 16, 2007
@ Marleaux, Home Improvement Ninja told me that his friends used to call those kind of women “2:59s” because they don’t become options unless you’re having no luck, it’s 2:59 AM and the club closes at 3!
@ Passion, Boogawolf is the best!
By Hustleman on Nov 16, 2007
You are too much Leon…LOL! LOL! LOL!
By natalie on Nov 16, 2007
aint enuff liquor or weed or any other type of drug to make me sleep with someone who looks like sasquatch
By Ms. SarKastic on Nov 16, 2007
Hey, no free drinks from ugly dudes for me! Then they follow you around or get a case of the a$$ ’cause they sent you a drink and think that gets them something. I’m like Beyonce, sendin’ me a drink ain’t appeasin’. I CAN buy my own damn drinks, so no thank you, don’t need the hassle.
By Vahostage on Nov 16, 2007
I usually call those types of women “Mopeds” You’ll ride one, but you don’t want other people to know.
And for some reason, I’m an ugly woman magnet. I’m not the most attractive cat in the world, so I don’t have much room to talk, but some of those wildebeasts that come my way need to keep it moving.
My grandmother used to tell me “don’t brang no ugly woman around here! Ya’ll gon’ have ugly children, and I ain’t claimin’ them!”. So harsh…
But there is somebody for everybody. A month or two ago, I was at a bar, and I saw a deaf dude running game on a deaf chick. Whatever he was signing to her must’ve been some serious game, cause she was batting her eyes and signing back excitedly.
By leoninatl on Nov 16, 2007
LMAO!! And of course the FUGLY ones are the LOUDEST ones- male or female!
By TQB on Nov 16, 2007
‘MOPEDS” LOL that’s just wrong!
By Naomi on Nov 16, 2007
Mopeds is another funny one @ Leon! You’re hilarious
@ Vahostage, I actually wrote an entry on King Magazine’s site about that, titled “Drink Slavery”
@ TQB, I gues they have to overcompensate for what they lack
By Hustleman on Nov 16, 2007
Leon,
I lived in MD and worked in DC for awhile. I loved it! I learned pretty quickly not to deal with the Drink Slavery dudes! That article ain’t nothin’ but the TRUTH for both parties! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and at the end of the night, most dudes have distorted views, lettin’ that wang get in the way! If you just went home alone when you didn’t get the girl you wanted, you wouldn’t have to worry about the nightcrawlers callin’ you out in the day *LOL*
By Vahostage on Nov 16, 2007
Actually what I have noticed is beauty is out of style. Since I work in a mall I can constantly people watch and I see fine, dime, make me wanna holla, want to undress them with my teeth dudes walk past wit smugly woman. Since I am unexplainably gorgeous i get passed by…it’s not right or fair. Ugly people are on the bottom of the food chain, the circle of life. I’m upset. I have all this love to give.
By Khaleela on Nov 18, 2007
*gasping while reading the post*. oh mah goodness.. oh mah goodness.. you are so cruel.. but yet, i can’t help laughing.
By shy giraffe on Nov 18, 2007
LOL @ ALL YALL IM CRACKING UP!
By tayeski on Nov 20, 2007
OH GOD!!! This is a best of easily!! You are SO WRONG FOR THIS ONE!!! I guess it’s good you’re prepared to go to hell because that’s exactly where you’re going talking bout folks like this ROFL!! I’m so glad I already swallowed my water!
By Mahogany Brown on Dec 3, 2007
LMAO!!! Your jonin skills are SUPERB young Leon
By Foxxy on Dec 3, 2007