This past weekend, I was a little under the weather. It was my first official reminder that I am indeed an old, broken-down black man who has entered a new decade of life. The medicine I was prescribed by my doctor had me feeling about 85% better by Sunday morning, but it had one rough side effect: About 30 minutes after I would eat anything, my stomach would start crip-walking and I’d have to go use the bathroom.
I went to brunch with my mom and sister on Sunday morning in Silver Spring. After the meal, I went by myself to a few of stores in the downtown area to pick up a couple of Christmas gifts. After about 30 minutes, my stomach somehow formed a fist and delivered a savage uppercut to itself. My mission went from “What else can I get for my stepfather to go along with what I just bought?” to “Let me hurry up and get to that nasty bathroom in City Place!”
I went in the dark, dank, dungeonesque bathroom, only to see that both stalls were occupied. I let out a few four-letter words, because that men’s room is the only one in the entire shopping center. Then, I decided that it was time to regroup and try something else. I summoned all of my intestinal fortitude, clinched my butt-cheeks together, and walked all the way over to the Borders across the street from the place. Had I been thinking with a clear head, I would have realized that I passed four resturants which, by law, have restrooms in them. Instead, I was in panic mode, on a mission to get to a crapper, ANY crapper, and do my business.
I arrived at Borders, and strolled in real cool, in an attempt to keep folks from noticing that I had the bubble-guts. I got to the bathroom, and saw that both of the toilets there were occupied, too! At that point, I decided to just camp out across from the bathroom and pretend to read a book, and as soon as I see a pair of shoes that I recognize from one of those stalls leaving, I’d make my move!
I know you’re wondering “Why didn’t Leon just wait in the bathroom for the stall to open up?” The answer to this is simple: Because there were two grown men in the restroom, doo-dooing in harmony. Who wants to stand around and smell that? They can play dueling butt-cheeks all they want. I’d rather just wait outside until I see a dirty pair of white Chuck Taylors or some brown Top-sider boat shoes walk by.
Once boat shoes brother walked by, I had to make my move. I did not waste any time, because he was in the handicapped crapper, and I figured if I’m going to use a public restroom, I might as well have some elbow-room. I laid down a generous amount of toilet paper to serve as a last line of butt-protection, then proceeded to do #2. The quest for an unoccupied crapper during weekend Christmas shopping was finally over.
Unfortunately, I also had to break one of The 10 ComMANments thanks to the circumstances. The Man Law I’m referring to is the one quoted below:
- No man shall take a dump on a toliet that has been used by another man within any time that the seat is still warm. This is considered a low grade sexual act. Basking in another man’s ass warmth is a slap in the face to masculinity itself. MAN LAW!
Due to the fact that my situation qualified as a medical emergency, I was told that the breaking of this law was completely acceptible. Besides, I got no enjoyment from it, whatsoever. It was a matter of basic survival. Live or die. Kill, or be killed. Relieve myself, or crap my pants in a public place. I did what I had to do. Survival is not always a pretty thing.
LOL!!! I was in the Silver Spring Borders last night. I will never look at that establishment the same without laughing and thinking about your quest for the holy toilet.
I was simply smiling to myseld while reading this post until i got to the part where you said you were exempt from this comMANment because it was a “Medical Emergency”. The chick outside my office must think im crazy because i cant stop laughing.
You are a mess!
Yo!! This is the most hilarious thing I have read in a while. They say every photographer has a “sunset” photo to share, and I guess every blogger has a “mud-butt” story to share. The crazy thing about your story though is I did the EXACT same thing when I was shopping earlier this week. (minus the trip to the bookstore across the street) But doesn’t going to the ice-skating rink count just the same?
Because of your testimonial I have the will to go on…….thank you so much for sharing Leon……no no…..I thank you…..LOL
It is the worst feeling in the world to have to drop a bomb in a public restroom. I once was on a group date in Connecticut w/some fine ass Yale honies and had drank so much that I had to do the doo @ a night club.
It was so filthy that I had to power squat! Man I swear that they looked @ me differently after that. LMAO
MAN LAW!! Here Here!
Come on leon.. if you have to drop a bomb in a bathroom you have to do the courtesey flush… everyone knows that. Just flush as soon as it comes out.. that eliminates the smell
LOL @ E.Watts! you’re like 6’5″, so that really WAS a power squat! Hilarious!
@ Khaleela, you’re welcome
@ J-Biggs, that’s funny. At least an ice-rink had a little more promise of privacy than a crowded bookstore!
@ Diva527, glad you enjoyed it. Don’t get in trouble at work!
@ Bruce, I’ll never look at that place the same, either!
Yeah I feel your pain…I have IBS and that means my stomach makes life decisions for me, like an abusive controlling boyfriend. For instance, I may want to go out… My stomach then replies “fuck no, your ass is staying in the house…cause I said so, now make me a sandwich”. Not to mention it controls what the fuck I eat…my stomach will straight up slap food right out my hand like “wench put that chili cheese dog down”. Well I had a similar story except I was out with my Mom, Sister and Aunt for a middle class Waiting to Exhale moment at Olive Garden. Needless to say I had lots of Sangria and some Alfredo Broccoli Chicken stuff…who would thought that shit don’t mix. OMGosh I almost died!!! I damn near didn’t make it out the parking lot…I beat the hell out of my Mom’s Car seat so I could efficiently let her know how important it was for her to get me to the nearest rest room….Damn my life has flashed before my eyes twice and that was one of them…I would hate for my obituary to say that I died from a fatal case of embarrassment cause I Shat my self. Lol if you laugh, that shit ain’t funny!
that shit (no pun intended) is hilarious! a controlling boyfren? lmaoooo this is too much. i try not to do it at work because anyone can walk in at any moment and that would be just too much embarassment to handle…but days like today….my stomach just did not agree with me and a sister had to do what a sister had to do. i thought that the courtesey flush only existed in my world
LMAO!!!!!…..damn thats really really bad Leon!
LMMFAO!!! I have sooo been there. And it seems like any time the BGs arise, you have to be the furthest distance from the damn crapper as humanly possible. And, the closer you get, the worse the pain. You had me dying laughing at work!
I know you’re wondering “Why didn’t Leon just wait in the bathroom for the stall to open up?” The answer to this is simple: Because there were two grown men in the restroom, doo-dooing in harmony. Who wants to stand around and smell that?
LMAO! Yo, there’s nothing worse than using a stall and smelling fresh shit coming from the next stall.. I make a break for it!
Have a great day, shitty! ***winks***
LMBAO!!! Between you Leon and Sunshine, I’m bout to lose my internet privilegs here at the job. I’m sure massa knows I’m not laughing hard at the stacks of paperwork sitting on my desk… And Melba is so right about the courtesy flush. Sometimes I want to scream at the person in the stall next to me: “Flush damnit! I can smell you!”
I feel so much happier now I undesartnd all this. Thanks!
Boy what is wrong with you! LMAO!!!! I almost couldnt read past “My stomach was crip walking” hahaahaha
Poor Leon LOL! I’ve noticed that blasting yourself with freezing cold air normally helps to keep your butt from letting go. LOL!!!
Leon, you had me at “my stomach was crip walking.” You poor, poor man!!! Everyone at work has had that nasty ass (no pun intended) bug, so I feel your pain. I still can’t believe you sat yo’ ass on a WARM toilet seat, though. That’s just…awful. But shittin’ on yourself like an infant probably would’ve been worse. Ok, it would have been. LMAO!
Hey Leon, if you wait long enough, theres an ad on your site of a huge shiney silver port-a-potty. You know the kind they have at hospitals?? Maybe you should invest in one :D
Hershey Squirts!
DAYUM!!!
Leon & Sunshine: y’all have officially made my day!!!
@ Sunshine, sorry to hear that booty of yours is so tempermental!
@ Ms Sarkastik, I didn’t realize so many people were going through the B.G.s this week!
@ Velocity Magazine Editor, IT WAS A MEDICAL EMERGENCY, MAN!!! Oh yeah…I’m still waiting on my magazine, sir!
@ BZ, it’s true…the closer you get to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in. I had to be mentally strong once I started laying down toilet paper!
@ Wonderlove, thanks…Jackass! ;)
@ Dark & Stormy & Melba, my brother INTENTIONALLY does not courtesy flush. He likes waging biological warfare on whoever is unlucky enough to walk in the bathroom when he’s there!
@ Chelsia and Rei, everyone knows that feeling at least once in life! @ Chelsia, I didn;t know you had a blog! You automatically get a place on the blogroll, because if it’s half as funny as you are when someone pisses you off, I HAVE to read regularly!
@ Krazy, I saw that “waterless toilet” ad. I hope it’s not really just a bedpan! Does the cold air trick really work?
@ Sasha, EWWWWW!
@ the Jaded NYer, glad I could help :)
Wow…McDonalds had me feeling that way a while ago, and I haven’t eaten at Micky D’s since than. I mean once it hit me I broke out into a sweat.
At least u found a bathroom in time :)
OKAY, SUNSHINE HAS ME IN TEARS!!!!
a. from laughing so damn hard
b. because my stomach be doin that SAME SHIT to me too! i thought i was the only one!!!
ROTFLMAO @ “my stomach be makin life decisions for me like an abusive boyfriend”—I feel that!!!!
Leon you need your own show , but i got you beat try at work on a construction site in west bubble f@ck . you know when all you see is trees and red clay mud . and the only place to eat is the roach coach , and the only bathroom is the woods or that death trap …. JIFFY JOHN
FUnnnY! Damn I needed that today!!!
doo-dooing in harmony – HA!
Yeah man, cold air will hold off the BG train for a few minutes! LOL! I guess being so damned cold make your muscles tense up, and thats always a good thing especially when your booty is trying to relax at the wrong time! lol
just dip your booty in the toilet water so it could cool off just a bit…..but make sure you flush it first. but that advice only applies if youre in the privacy of your own home. i wouldnt want to dip these buns in any public restroom stool.
Dude that sucks but it is a hilarious story. There’s nothing worse then having to go go in a public restroom.
LMBAO @ this story. This reminds me of the time during my Sophomore year in high school, and I was in the choir, and I had to perform in front of my school. I was nervous as hell, and I had bubbleguts that very morning. Right as we were about to sing, I farted, and I felt a wet feeling on the back of my ass. I managed to tell the teacher I had to use the bathroom, and I ran and barely made it. But stuff was squirting every whichaway. I was sooooooooo embarassed, I went home for the rest of the day.
leon put a twist to the meaning “shit talk”
Once worked at a small bank in the lower level office years ago. There was a sweet elderly Polish lady that everyone knew had a schedule, so we avoided the restroom at a certain time. But once something did not agree with me, and kicked in around that certain time. I rushed in, but she and another senior citizen had both stalls occupied. So I rushed up to the top floor just in time and blew that one stall Executive restroom out. Imagine my embarrassment when I exited and found the Head of Personnel waiting. Her usually impassive face, was not happy. I briefly nodded hello, cleaned up and got the hell out of there. When I told my boss, she had a blast teasing me. She told me that if I wasn’t pregnant, the Head of Personnel probably would have found a reason to give me my black ass walking papers. I avoided that restroom for the remainder of my time there, and luckily never had to go to the personnel office either.