Ladies and gentlemen, I’m about to disclose some info that I kep personal for at least a year or so. Something that is automatic joke ammo for anyone who ever wanted revenge on me for making fun of them. Proof that just like me, God also has a warped sense of humor.
I HAVE THE GOUT!!!
YES, THE GOUT!!!
You know you’re old, when you find out that you have a condition that is preceded by “the” when people say it. The gout. The whooping cough. The rickets. None of these things are normal for someone under age 55 in the year 2008!
My foot/ankle is swollen like Aretha Franklin’s breasts right now. When I put pressure on it to walk, I feel a sharp pain, as if I just got shot by a flaming arrow from some medieval archer’s bow. I went outside to get my mail a little while ago, and I actually saw Ini Kamoze standing on my corner, singing “Here come the Hot-stepper!” as he saw me limp to the mailbox.
Ok…Maybe it was one of the Rastas from Sweet Mango’s Cafe, and not really Ini Kamoze, but still. That doesn’t make me feel any better. My only solace comes from the fact that the medicine tends to get rid of my situation fairly quickly when this happens.
For those unfamiliar with Gout, it’s a condition that happens when your body has trouble processing uric acid properly, and it builds up and crystalizes in a joint(usually the ankle or big toe) and is extremely painful. I’ve broken bones before, and that pain is NOTHING compared to gout. Gout pretty much puts you in a headlock, slaps you around, takes your lunch money, then makes you wash it’s dirty draws once it flares up. It usually stems from a combination of genetics and poor diet.
Since I have ruggedly-handsome looks, a noteworty soul-pole, and a totally acceptible physique, I won’t fault the genes too hard. The only thing I can control is my diet. I know that beer and red meat are the main culprits, and I indulged in both this weekend while celebrating the New Year. So now, I’m going to get serious about limiting my intake of each. I really had no problem cutting red meat out of my diet…Beer, however has been a hard thing to walk away from.
As a result, I’m quitting red meat cold-turkey(since I KNOW I can do that), and I’m working on a Beer Exit Strategy. It’s a damned shame that I’m treating Beer like an Iraqi insurgant, but my foot feels like a pint-sized suicide bomber snuck inside of it and blew himself up. Once I come up with a realistic exit strategy, I’ll let you all know.
The cool thing is, I can still drink regular liquor(just not in excess), so I don’t have to be the angry thirsty black guy in the corner next time one of you invites me to a Happy Hour. I just have to figure a way out of Beer.
So go ahead to the comments section and get in all your Gout jokes. You better do it now, because once my foot heals, the first thing I’m doing is printing that section out, so I’ll have a record of each and every ass that needs to be kicked! As a matter of fact, I’ll just give $35 and a pack of Camel cigarettes to my bodyguard, Sugarfoot. He’ll gladly kick all of your asses for making jokes! So clown at your own risk!
Oh yeah, ladies…I’m fine sexually. So if anybody cute wants to stop by and give me some sympathy lovin’ while I watch Telemundo on mute, feel free. As long as I still have one foot to brace myself while I’m stroking, I can deliver pleasure on demand. The wang is unaffected by this.
*Edit*
I had to put a link to this clip, the homie Cincy pointed out that it is completely fitting for this entry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DAfBZbz3tI
First. LMAO!! U r a damn fool. No, correction a damn fool w/ “THE GOUT”.
THE GOUT HA, AINT THAT SOMETHING YOU CATCH IN YOUR NECK LMAO….
WHAT IT FLARED UP FOR THE FIST TIME FOR THE NEW YEAR, DON’T FEEL BAD, NOW YOU ONLY HAVE 9 MORE FLARES FOR THE WHOLE YEAR LMAO
LMAO so that is what it is. Thanks for the knowlege. Hop on ya good foot (c) Jay-Z
@ Common Share, you’re partially responsible, since you provided such a comfortable and affordible place to continue my love affair with beer!
@ BLACK, I don’t know who you are, but I already want to take your pinky finger and dip it in a cup full of battery acid! j/k But for real, thanks for commenting. Gout usually affects joints in the foot and ankle. It’s like a form or arthritis.
@ Big Homie, I have no choice but to hop on the good foot!
Oh leon! You are hilarious!
I wanna laugh…but I can’t. You’re in pain.
No wait! Yes I can!
ROTFLMBAO *wheezing*
okay. wait! wait!
ROTFLMBAO *whew!*
Lawd you ain’t RIGHT son! Not an insurgent! I can’t really talk tho. Bursitis is a biotch, especially during the cold months. Makes me want to draw up a will and send my children to other relatives.
Take care of yourself Leon. I’m done laughing now.
Gout is a fun word to say. Try it. Gout.
I would have a much harder time getting rid of the meat. A girl needs her meat…
i’m going to make sure I take a picture of me eating a steak and send you the picture.
cheers bitch:)
LMAO@ The wang is unaffected by this.
You crack me up. I hope you feel better soon.
Damn homie! I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year and now I gotta a tear jerker story. This is as bad as Brian’s Song Damn it! The Fat Boys break up and Superman is in a wheel chair what’s next? The Hulk gonna get the gout?
My little brother actually had the rickets (Go figure?). So I won’t joke you too much. Get well dawg and holla @ ya boy so I can partake in some of these Happy Hour festivales.
LMAO!
@ Black – I think you’re thinking about a goiter. That’s what I was thinking at first. That would totally mess up his “ruggedly-handsome looks”, but the ladies could’ve just put a bag over his head to get to that soul pole. LOL.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4DAfBZbz3tI
THIS CLIP IS SO FITTING!
JESUS CHRIST @ Cincy!!! I am in tears laughing at that! James was gettin it! I couldn’t do that shit even if my foot was OK!
@ Kayelle, thanks for clearing that up. Let me eat dinner before I look up “goiters” on Google…
@ E Watts, every superhero has a weakness! Next happy hour I hear about, I’ll let you know. I haven’t seen you around the city in a minute now.
@ City Girl, thank you
@ Mr. 6’5″ you’re going to be number one on Sugarfoot’s list! I’m gonna send him to Atlanta and beat you into the ground until you’re my height!
@Lemmonex if you’re cute, I have all the meat you need ;) Heh heh heh
@ Arjewtino, it does sound funny. That’s why I decided to tell folks about it. It’s hilarious, in a painful, f*cked-up way!
@ Tiki, thanks for the sentiments after the laughter!
@ Diva527, when I get better, I’m gonna stop through and visit you and Eddie.
MY RIBS!!!!!! *bendin over trying to catch my breath*….ok ok I SWEAR you are HILARIOUS!!! but I digress……feel better….*bust out laughin* I mean seriously…who has “the gout” I feel bad, you want some soup? I’ll make sure it doesnt have steak in it. :-)
Im sorry man. My heart goes out to you, but uh, this shyt is funny!!
Leon, why the hell did you tag this entry under “sweet mangos”…please just answer me that!
And sorry your ankle now rivals your head (not the one on the “soul pole”) as the biggest part on your body…
*continues frying up pork chops*
you need to hit the J like Martin said…. *Hittin the J* “You know they say this cure cancer right? Like if you got the gout in your muther fuckin leg, this shit will knock that shit right the fuck out, you wont even feel the gout…
LOL!!!!
DAMN THAT WAS SOOOOO FUNNY!!! THE GOUT, LEON?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!
Are you gonna start speaking like an old Jewish man ala Bobby Hill in “King of the Hill” when he got the gout from eating those chicken liver sandwiches… damn… I watch too much mindless TV…
Sorry to hear about your affliction but this was one of your funnier posts in a while. Ini Kamoze standing on the corner singing “Here come the hot stepper”, that’s hilarious.
Love your blog!!!
I know I barely know you.
I know I’m not supposed to laugh.
But… the GOUT… it’s just too funny! LOLOLOL!!! And you know it is! So why tease us?
See… I just don’t want you to talk about me tho… so I’m not gon laugh… no mo.
*straight face*
1. The gout sounds horrible.
2. The Ini Kamoze comment was HILARIOUS!
3. Does anyone have that James Brown video with subtitles? Other than “good foot” I couldn’t understand a word that nigga said!
Come on Leon! Ain’t no half steppin in ’08. Gotta put my foot down on this!
Just playing! Seriously hope you feel better! Happy New Year, hope the rest of it goes a little better for you.
Holy shit, the gout in 2008? That’s gangsta. Everyone else is getting stuff like stomach flu, colds and sinus infections and you step up with the gout. That’s some real shit right there.
Um, what the hell is the rickets…is that the same condition a man gets when he umm..”over works his Willy Wonka”?
i’m not goin 2 make fun of u. i actually care bout da funnyman’s feelings unlike ^ smh i can’t believe u got an old ass condition like the gout. i hope you feel better soon. lol
Happy New Year Leon, you are too funny! I didn’t think the gout affected anyone under the age of 50. Are you sure you just turned 30? Oh wait, maybe you are just 30 but your BODY is 50. Could Viagra be far away? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Seriously though, hope you feel better soon! ;>
According to wikipedia having Gout is like having a little purple monster gnaw on your foot while flames come out it’s nose….Is this true? Here is the link… so you can let me know if this picture is an accurate depiction of how you feel. I feel bad cause I use to make fun of “the gout” when I did my grandma impersonation and now I know someone that has it…if hallmark made them…I would totally get you a “I’m sorry your gout is flaring up” card.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:The_gout_james_gillray.jpg
Im still crying off the James Brown clip.
My grandma used to soak her feet in transmision fluid when the gout caught up to her. You combine that with some robitussin and ace bandage and you should be good to go.
If that dont work I found your new favorite website. http://www.goutpal.com/ (GOUT PAL!!! LMAO!!)
LMAO @ Cincy for GOUT PAL!!!!! That made me choke on my tea!!!!!!!!!!
You know what’s REALLY funny? Gout Pal has some good advice on it! I’m about to read that shit later on this afternoon.
Awwwwwwwww poor baby…I genuinely do feel bad for ya! BUT, I don’t think I have EVER heard ANYONE say they have gout…it’s like one of those medieval diseases you ususually READ about. Just wow!
Willpower my friend…step AWAAAAAAAAAY from the beer.
That ish is no joke. It’s like kidney stones..in your foot! My Abuelo had gout in his left foot. Alcohol and meat will do it to ya. So, I stay away from the meat. :-)
LMAO @ “noteworthy soul-pole) You are a fewl!
Now I got that damn song Hot Steppa stuck in my head….no, no, we don’t die, yes we mul-ti-ply….LOL.
Yea check out gout pal. Its funny but I tracked it down to see if there was a funny yet effective cure out there.
leon i’ll suck the gout out of your foot
Aw Leon, what you need is a fine honey to rub your gout for you.
Man that really sounds gross. LOL!
i won’t laugh at you because my dad used to suffer gout all the time….but he was old.
Sorry to hear about the foot. Just take this into consideration, You are still PHINE AZ HELL!
I’m sorry, I laughed when I saw you’d tagged it as “sugarfoot”.
Somebody in my circle was diagnosd with the gout at th age of 36. It is official, I’m definitely losing some weight this year. We are too young for this!
Oh damn. This old dude at my church has “The Gout”. He had on one of those foot thingys like he broke his toe or something lol. You know the “shoe” that’s blue with velcro straps lol. Tell me you have to wear one of those…PLEASE tell me!
My best friend is a podiatrist (Dr. of feet), and she’s beautiful and single.
I’m in tears. Wow!
Wanna know how I KNOW your old?>?? Cuz you got THE GOUT!!! ;)
LOLOLOLOLOLOL
and I actually saw Ini Kamoze standing on my corner, singing “Here come the Hot-stepper!” as he saw me limp to the mailbox.
LOLOLOL
OMG, I can not quit laughing at the Hotstepper thing. Don’t hate me though, I’m totally afflicted too. I came across your blog looking for a gout joke, because I was going to blog about my shameful condition.
Shit is so funny, it’s hurting my toe to laugh…
Soul-pole? Good for u but wait until it gets “the gout”