Last week, a commenter here asked me to clarify what constitutes good p*ssy. Basically, to define what makes a man say that a certain girl has that good stuff. I cannot claim to speak for all men, because what works for some does not work for others. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, and vice versa, depending on his likes and dislikes.
While these differences exist, I have compiled a universal list of attributes that most men on Earth would agree are descriptive of good p*ssy. These factors separate the incredible from the average. The contenders from the pretenders. The snappy nappy from the raggedy slappy. Good p*ssy is defined by various combinations of these qualities:
Consistency – The overall feel says a lot. Some men like it super tight, others, nice and firm. Usually, a woman is good as long as her stuff is not too loose. There has to be some sort of soft, yet steady friction there. If sex with you feels similar to penis spelunking in some dark, dank cavern…with stallagtites, stallagmites, bats, echoes and those flesh-eating night creatures from The Descent, then you’re stuff probably is NOT of the good variety.
Lubrication – Moisture is a good thing. It doesn’t have to gush like a fountain(although some guys are into that). Just stay wet enough for intercourse to be comfortable and enjoyable for both parties. This factor also falls on the guy, since it’s usually directly correlated to how turned on a woman is at the moment.
Creativity/Enthusiasm – Do it like you mean it! Do it like you love it! Give it to your partner in ways that make the Kama Sutra paintings look tame! Good p*ssy doesn’t just get hit from the back. Good p*ssy fights back! Good p*ssy is not lazy and does more than just lay down. Good p*ssy will lay you down if you’re not careful! Have you curled up in bed, hiding your nipples under the covers…thinking about making life changes.
Maintenance – Some people like for their tang to have some hair. Others prefer baldies. One thing ALL folks will agree on, is that the vaginal region should be clean and inviting whenever possible. No foul odors eminating from within. No Ben Wallace afros bursting loose once the draws come off. No unsightly blemishes that belong on one of those Scared Straight-style sex-ed videos that colleges show you when you’re a freshman to scare you into using a condom. Just be good to the meat curtains, and they’ll be good to you. Trim the hegdes, clean the front yard, and try not to put too much wear and tear on that bad boy…
The Grip Factor – This is where the term “Snatch” came from. The reason why every woman reading this should be doing Kegel excercises at her desk, RIGHT NOW! The Grip Factor is when good p*ssy tightens up on command and kind of grabs hold of the d*ck by itself. The best example of this is when it involuntarily happens when a female is brought to orgasm. Any man who has been there will tell you: being inside a woman with that SNAPPER when she’s at the height of passion is, for lack of a clinical term, THE SH*T! Sometimes the combination of those orgasmic spasms, the grip, and the wetness might cause the wang to get pushed out, but it’s totally worth it. Just slide back in and enjoy the ride!
There you have it. Some attributes are God-given. Others, can be achived through dedication and effort. I hope this answered the question for all those who were curious.
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More than anything… the labels on this post are hilarious!
Your myspace teaser said p*…I was hoping it was pudding….ah well…lol
those kegel excersises work wonders.
real talk
Um does anybody else’s good p*ssy make weird sounds when there’s too much air in it?
If so does anyone else giggle like a girl when they hear those um “garggle” sounds coming from said good p*ssy
Also shouldn’t a woman inform you that her good p*ssy tendes to make noises from time to time so don’t pull out and scream, “WTF was that”
ok that’s just me
Oh lawd. But, yeah I agree Kegals do work wonders!
Aiiiight… now that you’ve addressed this issue, we need to discuss something more important… The Elements of Good Head. In my opinion, it’s easier to find good p***y than good head. Skullastics require a lot more skill and most importantly, the woman’s desire and love of performing. I’ll look forward to your breakdown on that subject.
I am officially your number 1 fan after this…lmao
i do kegels all day and it really works. i didnt know that there was a name for it though. it feels like my second time having sex every time! lol
queefs are embarrassing. i dont know why but they make me feel like i did something bad. my queefs sound like real 30 year old man farts (no offense leon) and its just not sexy to hear durin sex. i start gigglin to ease the embarrasment i dont want whoever im having sex with to think that im farting up a storm durin his thrustin but what can you do?
oh skullastics lets talk about that one!
just when I think, “Leon has reached the epitome of crazy,” I read this:
The snappy nappy from the raggedy slappy
LMAO!!!!
Might I ad durability or endurance to your list. Aint nothing worse than going round 2 or 3 and the pussy feel like its glued shut.
If we r going to discuss “Skulltastics” then the ladies need 2 contribute to defining the “Olymplicks”. Cuz there are vital skills and important elements that many people miss completely.
Thanks Leon!
G.Mo took the words right out of my mouth (you like that innuendo) – what makes good head. I went through the list and checked myself off as exceeding each point plus some for the good p*ssy. Feedback has told me that the head game is well above average, as is the “snatch”. I just want to know if my “tricks” align with your criteria.
Oh and I agree – Kegels does wonders – both parties benefit!!!
So many things have sent me to grave and back this morning:
Just looking down further in the post and seeing the word “consistency” as it relates to p*ssy. I had to giggle at that; sounds like a wine expert;
“…snappy nappy from the raggedy slappy.”;
“…skullastics…”;
“…Olymplicks.”
Dead. Just… dead.
Yeah, I gotta third (fourth?) the genius of the snappy nappy line…and props for realizing it’s the dude’s fault when the girl isn’t wet.
Great timing! I just watched Chris Rock’s Never Scared and he talks about how after you’re married you get v_gina but never p_ssy again!
Don’t be p*ssy whoop! You got to Whoop that p*ssy! BANG! BANG! BANG!
guys dont understand that just because their d*cks get hard everytime the wind blows a girl does not get wet right off the bat sometimes. i cant speak for every girl out there but if he does what he needs to do correctly then there is no worry about natural lubrication.
i dont mean to shimmy my own t*ts but just like vrenee said i’ve gotten nothing but great feedback on my skills in both areas. men need to get their p*ssy chomping skills up too but i’ve never gotten bad head before there is always room for perfection.
LMAO! Excellent post. An instant classic. You HAVE to do one about “singing on the mic”…errr skullastics…if you haven’t already. And carpet munching too. LOL. Enquiring minds want to know.
Hahahaha! Okay dammit! I got my laughter for the day. Only you would come up with some shit like this.
I’m going to do one for skullastics, a.k.a. good head, since it’s requested. Only this time, I want your help. Especially since so many of you ladies claim to be good head-givers…lol.
E-mail me at leon@listentoleon.net with what you feel makes for some good head. Also, leave a URL to your blog, website, myspace page, or whatever, so I can give you proper credit for your contribution to the entry.
Leon, this post must go into the Hustleman Hall of Fame! I have been entertained on soooo many levels! I once “flexed” my Kegel skills for a brother and he asked me “how did you do that?” He obviously wasn’t as knowledgeable as you… Lol.
Thanks to you and the commenters for expanding my vocab today… skullastics, olymplicks, and my favorite- “singing on the mic”, are all new to these virgin ears. LMAO!
This post is the second testament as to why your blog is the devil. LMAO!
: APPLAUDS :
Nail on the head Leon!!!
My girl got all the above, needless to say I’m gonna marry her soon.(luckily she’s also a caring sweet person with all the other attributes that makes a man settle down)
Fellas: don’t sleep on the Kegel Olympics. Not just for the ladies. Made me a rare breed lover between the sheets ya heard ; ) F**k the “Lex pullout”. Kegels keep me in there for overtime
Sometimes there’s a time and place for the old school Ben Wallace. It’s a classic, a throwback if you will. You know Pam Grier probably had one of those joints in her heyday.
Well leon you have done it cause now you’ve opened pandoras box And I’m about to start some SSSSHHHHHYYYYt First of all leon i need a min to call Ms. SarKastic out some where she said ” men need to get their p*ssy chomping skills up ”
U said u havent gotten bad SKULLY But How Do youKnow you Havent Given Bad MULLDER
cooter – LMAO
hey i have to agree with bighands. you men have kegels too. and we likey likey when we’re laying there with you inside us not moving but you’re still moooooooooving. THAT’s hot.
Your post has become both hilarious and educational! I WILL be contributing to the Skullastics entry. (no, not that way!)
Oh, and my soul is returning the rinse cycle of destruction for that “raggedy slappy” comment!
*adds fabric softener and prays that Satan presses the “delicates” button*
OMG!!! This entire post and the comments had me cracking up. people are looking at me crazy at work right now. Kegels definitely do the job. I had to do them after I had my daughter and they work wonders. Thank for the vocabulary lesson as well.
Queef:Vaginal flatulence (flatus vaginalis in Latin) is an emission or expulsion of air from the vagina, often during or after sexual intercourse or (less often) other sexual acts, stretching or exercise. The sound is somewhat comparable to flatulence from the anus but does not involve waste gases and thus often has no specific odor associated.
yep has to be able to handle 9.5 by 6 inches tightly if u aked me……I have another take on the primaries America…. poor mr or mrs next president
godfather168 im very good at what i do thank you very much. i enjoy what i do and i’ve never gotten any complaints. always happy customers i dont mean that literally. when it comes to suckin d*ck excuse my french i know it like a pastor knows his work. i didnt mean for my statement to call out all men because that was not my intention i meant to say some men. because there are alot of guys who DO know what they are doing and there are alot of guys who DONT from what i hear. which category do you fall in?
Ladies, ladies, ladies – Kegels are not the end of it, you have to learn how to ripple your walls from the top down, pls believe me when I say this has never ever failed to cause either a look of shock or complete denial that it happened to him and is normally followed by the words “I swear this has never happen to me so fast before”
And there are just some guys who are just plain lazy, and half assed about it. You gotta put your back (tonugue/mouth) into it. Im not scared to train their a$$es tho. “They gotta learn. They gotta learn” (from my Uncle Bernie)
thats where i was gettin at
Passion – Im with you. Kegels is just the beginning. You have to learn to work each set of muscles. Isolate and tone. It takes time to get their, but it’s very rewarding.
“I swear this has never happen to me so fast before”
Y’all talk a whole lot of sh*t…lol
leon should know about talkin shit lol he’s the king of it!
* I meant to add hilarious after the quote
Come on Leon, you never had to hit a woman with that “I’ll be back in a few minutes” speech? You ain’t got ta lie Craig!
What is a tang? I actually learned how to do Kegels when I was pregnant and they are very effective. You know what also helps….taping yourself having sex. You’ll see what you did and didn’t do later and learn from it…………………..ok it actually doesn’t help but it’s fun and keeps things spiced up……………………ok i just like making movies….geesh
^^^^
CHURCH!
Yo Leon… I know I asked for Part II – The Elements of Good Head and you’re workin’ on that one. But can we make this into a weekly Elements series or somethin’? How bout The Elements of the Perfect Home Porno, The Elements of Public Sex or The Elements of Food & Freakin’??? Not everybody knows how to use a tripod, a store dressing room or a bowl of strawberries & whipped cream ya know? Trust that you’ll get a rack of folks out here ready to drop their knowledge.
@ G. Mo, you are on to something!
Plus, at least that way, my momma will know which days to COMPLETELY AVOID looking at the blog! LOL
Passion…. how do you ripple your walls from the top down. Enquiring minds would LOVE to know. LOL
those of you interested in kegels and such must see the following link:
http://www.bellydancersofcolor-shop.com/jaegforwoset.html
Ok, I hope this doesn’t go too far…
If you have done Kegels before you know the muscle when you squeeze up, so start with that, start from the bottom (I can’t believe I’m about to type this) with opening and closing your special hole, LOL, then you begin to try to control it as it goes up, then do the same thing coming down, its like a ripple.
Sorry Leon to go astray but Ms. SarKastic the Answer to your Question Is in the Name DAGODFATHER ” 168 ” aint for my weight I’m A MASTER OK, Cause I LOVE IT WHEN WOMAN TRIES TO HOLD BACK THAT SEXUAL ERUPTION ,ITS FUNNY YOUR LEGS START TO TREMBLE AND SPASAM THEN YOU LOOK AND SAY I TAP . LOVE TO MAKE’EM TAP . BUT I WONDER MS. SARCASTIC WHAT ROUND WOULD YOU TAP OUT IN …… I GIVE YOU ROUND 2 AND THATS JUST A GIMME CAUSE YOU COULDNT GO LONGER THAN ..