Yesterday, I wrote about having my creativity depleted by an affliction. Well, once again the gout decided to stage a comeback. This time, the sequel was quite aggresive, like an action movie. The Gout Strikes Back. Raiders of the Lost Gout. Gout in Africa. Gout’s Big Score! Gout Hard With A Vengeance.
Whatever the case, it came out swinging this time. Last night, I said to myself, “This is all I can stand, and I can’t stands no more!” Then I decided to just bite the bullet and go to the emergency room at 11:30PM on a Tuesday night. I knew that was the only way that I’d be able to make the scheduled meetings I have planned on Thursday and Friday without having to rely on crutches or a cane.
Well, lets just say that from the first two minutes of waiting in the ER, I already knew it was going to be a long night. This big girl sitting near me looked at my coat and said “I wish I had a blanket. Its cold in here. Someone go see if they have a blanket I can use.”
I ignored her, but I kept catching her glancing at my coat, as if I were really going to let her borrow it. All chivalry aside, IT’S THE EMERGENCY ROOM! I don’t know what type of cooties any of these people have! I might let her borrow the coat, then put it back on and have my arm fall off two days later. F*ck around and get the ebola virus from trying to do a good deed! So I decided to ignore her not-so-subtle hints, and let her rely on her own body fat blubber for warmth like most hibernating bears do.
That was just on my left side. On my right, were the children of this older lady who went in the ER for some reason. They were waiting, and the one near me kept bending over, displaying the fact that she was not wearing any kind of panties whatsoever. I like ass. That’s a certified fact. However, I don’t like nasty ass. It was ashy…like drywall before you put a layer of paint over it. Plus, this young’un had the smokiest, most raspy and rugged-for-a-woman voice I’ve heard in a long time. Her voice made Snoop from The Wire sound like a valley girl in comparison.
Once I finally got in to see someone(hours later), I realized they just brought me in to answer some questions and do enough minor procedures to ensure that I wasn’t going to die anytime soon. Then, they sent me back in the waiting room to wait some more. I miraculously managed to stay awake, even through the Chuck Norris and Christie Brinkley total gym infomercial on television. Then, once I heard the theme from M.A.S.H. coming on, I knew the end was near. My eyelids got heavy. I started to fade. Luckily, they called me in to actually see a doctor before I was rendered completely unconscious. If there is a better sedative than M.A.S.H. at 4 in the morning, I don’t even want to know what it is, because it’s probably not even legal.
Once I got treated, I found out that there is a shot which takes away the gout pain relatively quickly, compared to taking those pills. I have a feeling that there may be side-effects, though. So if I turn into Negro Teen Wolf during the next full moon, please don’t shoot me with any silver bullets.
I didn’t leave the ER until 5:30 in the morning. On my way home, I witnessed to 6’4″, 200 pound drag queen hookers. Of couse, I made no jokes, because either one of them could probably have single-handedly whipped my ass. Especially with me having a bad foot. I couldn’t even run away from them if I did make them angry…So I kept my mouth shut and acted like I did not see them when they walked by. I pulled my hoodie over my face, unabomber-style, so that they couldn’t see my good looks and get any treacherous thoughts of holding me down and touching my balls. After those oversized gay hookers crossed the street, I made it home safely and my ER adventure was finally over!
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The emergency room is where we get out health care
Hahahahahaah LMMFAO… damn Leon
so that they couldn’t see my good looks and get any treacherous thoughts of holding me down and touching my balls
damn.
just damn.
i just laughed so hard the people in the OSHA meeting heard me.
thanks
hope your foot feels better
i could have told you that the ER takes 6 hours no matter WHO’s in there.
After my own recent adventures at the ER, I thought it couldnt get any worse but DAMN! You just have the worse luck lol!
Hope you feel better though…even though I still find it funny that a man your age is getting the GOUT! Only heard old vets complaining about it before. I never actually believed it was a real disease! But anyway I hope you dont have anymore re-occurences of it and that you can get back on the good foot lol….
I never thought I would find such an eevyrday topic so enthralling!
LOL..hope you feel better young
I’m sorry to hear your gout is back. Hope you feel better in a flash!
I hate the ER. Nuff said.
And my brother was driving down Nebraska Avenue, which is a notorious Ho Stroll in Tampa, and he stopped at a light, and these drag queen hookers said “Hey Baby” and leered at him. The light turned green, and he floored it.
I laughed at the story, cause that’s what his ass gets for being too scared to drive on the Freeway.
Hope you feel better though.
damn, Leon, I’m so sorry! But I’m glad you could still find the humor in it.
Feel better!!!
My dad has gout and it flares up whenever the weather changes. He got it around your age and it has only gotten worse over the years. Sorry to hear that u have it though. It makes for ugly joints when u get older. My dad’s elbow is twice the size it should be because of gout.
Good stuff. Didn’t know you had the gout (whatever that is). Liked the gay hookers part*.
*Not gay.
“So I decided to ignore her not-so-subtle hints, and let her rely on her own body fat blubber for warmth like most hibernating bears do.”
that shit was too funny. But i hate Hospitals in general. Shit..some ppl go in semi sick and come out worse than they went in. But glad your okay. Even though i once again don’t know what “Gout” is…*sighs* they didn’t teach kids my age shit.Oh well thats what you get when you go to inner city public schools. Get Better my friend.
Peace Love & Joy!
Damn playa, I’mma have to pour out a lil’ bit of Red Kool-Aid on the sidewalk for a brotha. Not too much though ya dig? Feel betta champ. Oh yeah, if you got any good drugs holla at me. I’m off IR, but still need a fix ere’ now and then… ha ha.
The Express newspaper quoted this entry in today’s Blog Log, so if you get a chance, take a look at it
“I like ass. That’s a certified fact. However, I don’t like nasty ass. It was ashy…like drywall before you put a layer of paint over it.” Some funny shit…….
Hope you feel better…My sister’s ex had it bad, so I have an ideal of what you are dealing with. Some natural alternatives…Try taking Flaxseed oil and check out this:
http://www.christianet.com/arthritis/naturalremediesforgout.htm
Leon,
Wikipedia has an entry on gout. It’s very informative. Get well.
Leon did you cut out the ketchup and red meat like i told you? I see I need to reintroduce myself back into your life :)
Leon-
I just discovered your site from Mashable’s best blog post of 2008. I have to agree, this ER post cracked me up. I’m looking forward to reading through all your archives. Thanks for the great humor and telling it like it is!
Thank you, Marissa!