On Thursday, my father committed suicide. I never thought I’d ever have to say those words, let alone type them on my website. Unfortunately, this was impossible to forsee, and has come as a shock to everyone who has ever known him. As I’ve had to make arrangements with the family, it’s allowed me to re-trace a lot of his steps, as well as gain insight into a lot of the pain and depression he was battling in his final days, which he hid quite well from the rest of the world. Still, some questions will forever remain unanswered.
I know that was a depressing way to start an entry on a humor site, so I’ll tell a funny Dad story. I put the story of the sex talk that he gave me up here awhile back, but this time I’m going to tell a more recent one. One that even he laughed at towards the final month of his life.
Dad called me back in late-January or early February, asking me to come stay at his place on a Tuesday so I could help him out with something on a Wednesday morning. I had time to do it, so I agreed without asking questions. He had reached out to me and my younger sister a lot at that point in time, trying to make things right since he’d always been in and out of our lives. For that reason, I thought this was just some sentimental stuff and didn’t pay it any mind.
So I catch up to Dad, and we start heading out to Hollywood, MD. Before I go any further, let me just say this: Hollywood Maryland is nothing like the Hollywood where movies are made. Hollywood MD is the Hollywood where deer stroll through your front yard and look at you like you owe them rent money. I’m talking The Sticks. I think I saw a grizzly bear cub sitting on the side of the road chewing snuff and playing a banjo, with a bottle of moonshine next to him.
On the way to Dad’s house, he said to me “I need you to come to court with me tomorrow. I got a DUI and I might need you to drive me back home if they take away my license.”
I said “I’ll do it, but you didn’t have to be sneaky about getting me up here. How you ‘gon wait ’till I’m 20 miles from civilization to ask me that? I would have said ‘yes’ back when we were near stoplights and human beings and sh*t.”
We laughed about it, and that next morning, I had jokes. I greeted him, saying “Come on Paris Hilton! We gotta go to court. Alright Nicole Richie…Britney Spears…”
It’s for this reason, I think he didn’t want me to come into the courtroom to hear what the judge had to say to him. He had me wait outside the courtroom in the jeep. I had no problem with this, until I remembered that the breathalyzer thing that his lawyer recommended he get in the vehicle goes off randomly while the engine is running. So of course, while I’m outside waiting, the thing starts beeping, which meant I had to breathe into it. I wasn’t looking forward to that, because my pops was a chain-smoker. I don’t like kissing women who smoke, let alone putting my lips around anything that belongs to a dude who smokes…
…wait a minute…That last sentence came out sounding gay as Hell. Y’all know what I meant, sh*t.
I tried blowing into that nasty-assed breath machine, but the error button kept coming on. I was breating into that thing so hard that veins were bulging out in my forehead and neck. Finally, I called Dad when he was inside, and he explained that you actually have to make a sound when you blow in order for it to work right. Once I got it working, I said “f*ck it” and cut off the jeep with no heat or or radio.
So as I’m sitting in the jeep, trying to hang on to all remaining warmth, I notice that almost every woman that walked by me was giving me the eye and smiling. At first, I thought to myself “Why?” Then I realized that to them, I was a step up. I took a shower and ironed my clothes. Almost every other guy at the courthouse looked raggedy and smelled like nicotine and hard-living.
Besides, I can’t mess with any women I meet at the courthouse. Best-case scenario, I meet someone who is trying to get her child-support money. Worst case-scenario, she’s a violent felon. Either way, it’s a problem. I can’t have her trying to set the mood wearing sexy lingerie, perfume, high-heels and a house arrest anklet. I might accidentally laugh or something. Luckily, Dad came out of the courtroom in time before the one who was trying to flag me over to her car built up enough nerve to attempt walking over to where I was.
I have been going back and forth for days now, deciding whether to press “publish” and let the world know what I’ve been going through. I ultimately decided that putting something up here is the right thing to do, because there might be someone else out there who needs to see it. Maybe another person is experiencing the emotions that my family is dealing with right now.
I can’t accurately put all of my feelings into words, but when I first got the phone call saying Dad killed himself, I experienced a feeling of disbelief. Almost as if Dad were pulling off some kind of elaborate scam since I know he had some troubles lately. Then as I got more details, I felt angry and betrayed because I just spoke to him the day before and he said everything was fine, then started making sure things were still going great for me. It wasn’t until I had to start informing relatives that I felt the sadness and despair. The sound of the shrieking cry that my Mother let out upon hearing the news is one that I’ll never forget. Then, I had to go from telling her, to calling my uncle to let him know that his only remaining brother was dead. The worst part came from letting my sister know, since I physically saw her reaction, and I could understand it since we both held out hope that maybe one day my father and her would have a closer relationship.
If anyone out there reading this was ever considering suicide, I really hope that you pay attention to the last part that I wrote and consider how it affects the people that you leave behind. The folks who are in your corner, but the pain, bruised pride or lingering depression may have caused you to lose sight of. Talk to someone about your problems, whether it’s a doctor, a spiritual counselor, or even just someone you know who is living positive. Hell, you can even contact me if you want, and I’ll listen to you. Just don’t let stuff build up to the point where it leads to irrational or self-destructive actions. You’d be surprised just how powerful getting things off your chest can be. That, and prayer have been what’s allowed me to be strong in the midst of all of this.
I definitely want to thank my family and friends for all of the incredible support I’ve gotten during this difficult time. There are no words to describe how much it means to me. The funeral is Saturday morning at 11:00 a.m. If anyone wants to send flowers, cards or letters, the funeral home information is below. You can address it to “Leon Scott” since my father and I shared the name…But don’t call me junior! If any of you calls me “Junior” trying to be funny, I’ll drop-kick you in the kidneys and make you pee on yourself.
A.L. Bennett & Son Funeral Home, Inc
200 Butternut Drive
Fredericksburg, VA 22408
(540)898-7970
I love you, Dad.
Oh Leon I’m so sorry. My brother committed suicide in August. I don’t have any words of advice or wisdom but please know how very sorry I am to hear this news. Bless you and your family, and may your father find the peace he didn’t find in this life.
I am deeply, deeply sorry for your loss. I’ve been gone for some time, but decided today to make a visit. My heart literally dropped.
I know that it could not have been comfortable talking about this, but I commend you on your bravery because there are people who need to read this. I tried to commit suicide when I was seventeen years old. I thought about how it would hurt my family, but the darkness engulfed me, if that makes sense. If I would have read something like this back then, it probably would have prompted me to reach out to someone.
It’s hard to explain to others the deep pain depression can bring about in a person, but I can say with all honesty that it’s really important to realize that he loved you very much, and it didn’t have anything to do with how he felt about you or your family.
leon,
i know how difficult it must have been to write this last post but i hope it was also comforting remembering good times. i continue to pray that you and your family will find peace during this time.
your cali girl, tash
God Bless you man, my family and I will keep you in our prayers.
I am truly sorry for your loss. It’s amazing that you decided to share something so personal with the world. The fact that you were thinking of helping others at this time speaks highly of your character. You and your family will be in my prayers. May God bless you all.
I am truly sorry for your loss, may God bless and sustain you and your family in this time. You know if you need anything get at me brotha.
Awww Leon babes….I’m so sorry for your loss. I will pray for you and your family in your time of need. Remember even in hard times like these to pray. God hears you and He will help you through.
I’m going to email you my number in case you wanna talk. God bless you and the family sweetie.
I am sorry for your loss and I will keep you and your family lifted in my prayers. May God continue to comfort you. Be Blessed….
*sends hugs*
I am sorry for you loss, Leon.
so sorry to hear about your loss, will keep you and your family in my prayers….
Wow. Leon, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I will definitely be keeping you and your family in my prayers. I don’t know if you still have my number but if you ever just need to sit on the phone and just talk, I’m here. I’ll be sending flowers. It can’t take away the pain I know you must be feeling but hopefully it will bring you some comfort. Love ya.
-Monie
Leon,
I am truly sorry for your loss, you and your family will continually be in my prayers.
Wow, I popped in just to see how you were doing and came across this.
As a post-suicide-attempter, I can only say that I’m sure he loved you very much. These thoughts and actions are generally thought about only during a time of intense pain which blocks your ability to function. You have faith that those you love will be able to manage over time and hope that they will move on to have the happier life you can’t currently manage.
As a random aside, this reminds me of the one time I tried one of those hotline numbers and (due to a shortage of volunteers) she kept having to put me on hold so she could answer the phone.
A big cyberhug to you,
Jade
Leon, This is a poem written by someone I know who also comitted suicide. I hope in this blog and in all you do you find that there are more people than you may know that can help you through the situation. Talking to people is what you need the most and it appears you are doing just that. Glad you clicked the “publish” button because talking about it is the healthy thing to do. If you hadn’t clicked it yet, it would just prolong the pain for you.
–MEMORIES–
Memories keep the one you loved
Close to you in spirit and in thought
Memories keep the one you loved
Forever more near your heart
Memories keep the one you loved
To comfort you as a friend
Memories keep the one you loved
Alive ’till eternities end
Leon sweetie, I’m so so sorry to hear about your father. You and your family are definitely in my prayers. I will call and check up on you!
Zehara
Peace be with you.
Leon.
My heartfelt condolences go out to you and your family. I wish I could be there on Saturday to give you my love and support…but it looks like you will have plenty of well wishers there. If you need to talk or need anything at all you know I am here for you.
Love you!
Destynie
Leon –
I am so sorry to hear this news. Our thoughts at Forum One are with you and those around you.
-TTS
I came here via Lola (http://lolagetslife.blogspot.com/2008/04/depressing-thoughts.html)
I’ll be honest… I have never read your blog before and I don’t know you or your family.
But I am really sorry.
Blogs have brought us together and bind us in ways that can never really be explained.
I cannot imagine what you are going through but thank you for sharing this painful experience. Thinking of you…
Longtime lurker, first time commenting… May God continue to bless and keep your family. Hopefully, by sharing your story someone else will think twice and reach out to someone for help. Hang in there and keep your head up!!
Cool Breeze…back in the day…let’s say 3 years ago…I had a mad crush on you…as DL says… a man that can make a woman laugh can get much ass…
But today…I admire you for something totally different. You shared your story. You shared your pain.
For you and your family…I pray. Clairty in these situations is sometimes hard to grasp…but I pray you all find some peace.
Hi Leon,
It was a pleasure meeting you today in NCLR’s cafeteria- thank you for sharing your website and, with it, the very personal and unfortunate news. I admire your openness to even strangers in the hope of preventing future suicides.
I wish you and your family peace and healing,
Xandi
I am so sorry for your lost and I understand the pain, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers for healing.
Leon,
Like many folks, I’m an avid reader, but rarely comment. You are a strong and brave man to have the courage to share this with your readers. I truly admire your strength. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. May God continue to BLESS and keep you all.
Tamara
Leon,
You’ve done something great in the face of adversity by writing about this. You and your family are in my prayers. May God help you through your journey of healing.
-M
Leon, I’m sorry about your loss. I hope that your sharing this will help others that are struggling with this.
Hey Leon, my sincere condolences on your loss. I, too, lurk and never comment, but really wanted to let you know how much support you have out here. Stay strong.
Hey Leon-
I am truly sorry to hear about your dad. While we’ve only met once I read you daily and consider you a ‘friend’ and i am truly heart broken over your lost. You and your family will stay in my prayers.
Leon,
My prayers go out to you and your family. I admire you for putting it all out there and hope that it does touch someone who might find themselves at the brink.
Leon,
I’m a lurker, but avid reader of your blog. My prayers are with you and your family at this time. My brother committed suicide 3 years ago and there are days I forget that he’s not here.
For people considering taking your own life, please seek help and think of the people who love you.
God bless you and your family Leon…your courage to publish your heart can help/heal many. Thank you for sharing your spirit with us during this deeply personal time. Be well and much love.
I am always reading your blog and usually never comment but I had not been on your site in about a week and grandma told me to read it today. I just want to put my arms around you to help ease your pain. My heart aches for my neice and nephew but at least know in time God heals all wounds. I can honestly say that I tried to commit suicide when I was younger and wished I had someone to talk to to express the way I felt back then. We are hear for you in this time if you need anything just let me know and I will try my best to make it happen. I LOVE YOU BOTH very MUCH!
Brother,
I am here for you if you and the fam need anything! I am sure this has touched many and especial those who need to hear how strong you are! You and your family are in my heart and prays!
Leon,
I hadn’t been on here in days, probably weeks. Everyday I work I say I’ll fall through, and usually put it off to do something else. But today I thought about it, and once I got to the site and saw this entry and not your usual foolery, my heart sunk. Words cannot express how sorry I am to hear this. Losing a parent, I can imagine, is hard enough, to suicide is far worse. I only hope and pray that God keeps you and your loved ones, and that your father is finally at a place where he can find some peace.
Much Love
So sorry about what has happened. Reading that you had to be the one to call your Mom and other family members, I can’t even imagine. I appreciate how you shared a story of your father to show the funny side of your relationship, how close the two of you were that he could call on you for something like that and you would be there for him without judgement, I’m sure meant a lot to him.
I think you know I teach first grade and when I talked to my kids about some famous black Americans for black history month, the first thing they ask is “how did he die or how did she die?” And I asked them “why do you all always ask that?” “This book is about all of the good things he or she did and when you write about him or her, I want you to think about all the good things he or she did, not how they died.” And I’ll leave you with that same thought, while you’re dealing with all this hurt and pain, try to remember all the good things about your father and keep that close to your heart!
And then keep talking, keep sharing, keep laughing and making others laugh!
Leon-
This post broke my heart. I am so sorry to hear about your lost. My prayers and my heart goes out to you and your family. I can’t imagine your pain but God knows and he will give you and your family peace.
It is very brave of you to share your pain. Remember the great times you had with your father. Understand that Gods knows our problems before we even know we have a problem, lean on him for your strength.
Wow yo… I’m really sorry to hear that. I won’t say anything cliche, because I’m sure you’re already tired of hearing that. I’ll just say, be strong for the rest of your family. My mom passed last year from cancer, and though she was battling it for months, I received a call one Friday night that she was in pretty bad shape and she was gone before the next Friday. And THAT seemed sudden to us, but this…. this is different. I pray that you and your loved ones get through these tough times. Know that GOD will never put more on you than you can bear. If you feel weak during those REALLY tough times just call on HIM. We’ve never met, but through this blog, I feel like I know you, and I love you like a brother. If you need ANYTHING, anything at all, you know how to get at me! PEACE
Leon,
I am really sorry to hear about your loss.
My prayers are with you and your family.
hey leon.
im sorry for your loss. and i know how you feel. ive been going back and forth with my emotions for the past two weeks because a very good friend of mine was killed. i never thought that this would happen and it was so unexpected so believe me when i say i know exactly how you feel i really do. keep your head up and just remember he’s in a better place, thats what i’ve been doing and its hard but it helps.
Leon, my condolences go out to you and your family. If you need anything dawg, just let me know. I lost my pops some years ago as well, it’s never an easy experience to get over losing a parent. like I said, if you need anything…shots, buck naked hoes doing the tootsie roll in front of your crib, russian acrobats doing the cupid shuffle…anything brotha…let me know.
-TC
thats tough homie. my prayers are with you. the only consilation if any is that some of our most creative moments come from our most painful moments.
Dear Leon,
I’d heard your Dad died and sent you a text, but I had no idea the circumstances until now. I commend you on your honesty and bravery to share this with us because you didn’t have to. I’m truly and deeply sorry for your loss. Your father was lucky to have a son like you.
S
Leon give me a call if you need anything, I mean anything. I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t really know what to say due to the shock, but i’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
i love you
Leon,
Losing a parent is something we never want to experience. I have been there and I still feel it. I miss and need my mama everyday, especially the last few months. But isn’t it wonderful how the Lord blesses and covers you? There are close to 100 people praying for you just based on this blog. You have been blessed…no WE have been blessed to have you touch our lives. Some people may never meet a Leon, we got lucky. The Lord gives us a Champion spirit Leon and we use it in life’s battles…keeping being YOU and we can rock out through anything…well except an Eyebar hangover :-) Remember when Life is bad God is still good. We Love YOU!
Chelsia aka Foxxyredd aka Your Tuesday Night Date lol
Sending my condolences, Leon. I can’t even imagine how you’re holding up, but I salute your bravery and ability to put it in words.
sorry for your loss leon i know what its like to lose someone you held close to you. stay strong my brother hes in a better place trust me. blessings to you and yours
Leon, I’m so sorry for you loss man. This was unbelieveably brave and unselfish of you to share your feelings in a time like this. It sounds weird at a time like this to THANK you, but that’s what I’m doing. This was a beautiful post as well as being REAL. I don’t know what I can do other than offer a kind word in this time, but if you think of anything you know how to reach me!
May God be with you and the rest of your family!
Much love and support for you and your family. All of you will be in my prayers. God bless.
Leon, I just want to commend you on your selfless act to publish this post. It takes a lot of courage for us as a people to speak of suicide, but it takes even more for you to share your story with others. May God’s strength carry you and your family through this time.
It is hard to put in words what I feel, so I will let my heart take over. Be brave and know that God loves you and loved your father as well. I know it hurts baby, but know we are all behind you. Take one step and day at a time. It will get easier in time, trust me. You are such a wonderful person Leon. I liked you the first day Resha introduced you to me and Mr. Purvis. You will always be welcome in our home. If you need someone to talk to, please call us. If you need a hug, please call us. Stay strong and thank you for letting so many people know about this disease and how it can take over the mind. You did something very brave Leon and I love you for that. God will protect you and get you through it all. He is a good God. Continue to call to him. Much Respect and Love