On Thursday, my father committed suicide. I never thought I’d ever have to say those words, let alone type them on my website. Unfortunately, this was impossible to forsee, and has come as a shock to everyone who has ever known him. As I’ve had to make arrangements with the family, it’s allowed me to re-trace a lot of his steps, as well as gain insight into a lot of the pain and depression he was battling in his final days, which he hid quite well from the rest of the world. Still, some questions will forever remain unanswered.
I know that was a depressing way to start an entry on a humor site, so I’ll tell a funny Dad story. I put the story of the sex talk that he gave me up here awhile back, but this time I’m going to tell a more recent one. One that even he laughed at towards the final month of his life.
Dad called me back in late-January or early February, asking me to come stay at his place on a Tuesday so I could help him out with something on a Wednesday morning. I had time to do it, so I agreed without asking questions. He had reached out to me and my younger sister a lot at that point in time, trying to make things right since he’d always been in and out of our lives. For that reason, I thought this was just some sentimental stuff and didn’t pay it any mind.
So I catch up to Dad, and we start heading out to Hollywood, MD. Before I go any further, let me just say this: Hollywood Maryland is nothing like the Hollywood where movies are made. Hollywood MD is the Hollywood where deer stroll through your front yard and look at you like you owe them rent money. I’m talking The Sticks. I think I saw a grizzly bear cub sitting on the side of the road chewing snuff and playing a banjo, with a bottle of moonshine next to him.
On the way to Dad’s house, he said to me “I need you to come to court with me tomorrow. I got a DUI and I might need you to drive me back home if they take away my license.”
I said “I’ll do it, but you didn’t have to be sneaky about getting me up here. How you ‘gon wait ’till I’m 20 miles from civilization to ask me that? I would have said ‘yes’ back when we were near stoplights and human beings and sh*t.”
We laughed about it, and that next morning, I had jokes. I greeted him, saying “Come on Paris Hilton! We gotta go to court. Alright Nicole Richie…Britney Spears…”
It’s for this reason, I think he didn’t want me to come into the courtroom to hear what the judge had to say to him. He had me wait outside the courtroom in the jeep. I had no problem with this, until I remembered that the breathalyzer thing that his lawyer recommended he get in the vehicle goes off randomly while the engine is running. So of course, while I’m outside waiting, the thing starts beeping, which meant I had to breathe into it. I wasn’t looking forward to that, because my pops was a chain-smoker. I don’t like kissing women who smoke, let alone putting my lips around anything that belongs to a dude who smokes…
…wait a minute…That last sentence came out sounding gay as Hell. Y’all know what I meant, sh*t.
I tried blowing into that nasty-assed breath machine, but the error button kept coming on. I was breating into that thing so hard that veins were bulging out in my forehead and neck. Finally, I called Dad when he was inside, and he explained that you actually have to make a sound when you blow in order for it to work right. Once I got it working, I said “f*ck it” and cut off the jeep with no heat or or radio.
So as I’m sitting in the jeep, trying to hang on to all remaining warmth, I notice that almost every woman that walked by me was giving me the eye and smiling. At first, I thought to myself “Why?” Then I realized that to them, I was a step up. I took a shower and ironed my clothes. Almost every other guy at the courthouse looked raggedy and smelled like nicotine and hard-living.
Besides, I can’t mess with any women I meet at the courthouse. Best-case scenario, I meet someone who is trying to get her child-support money. Worst case-scenario, she’s a violent felon. Either way, it’s a problem. I can’t have her trying to set the mood wearing sexy lingerie, perfume, high-heels and a house arrest anklet. I might accidentally laugh or something. Luckily, Dad came out of the courtroom in time before the one who was trying to flag me over to her car built up enough nerve to attempt walking over to where I was.
I have been going back and forth for days now, deciding whether to press “publish” and let the world know what I’ve been going through. I ultimately decided that putting something up here is the right thing to do, because there might be someone else out there who needs to see it. Maybe another person is experiencing the emotions that my family is dealing with right now.
I can’t accurately put all of my feelings into words, but when I first got the phone call saying Dad killed himself, I experienced a feeling of disbelief. Almost as if Dad were pulling off some kind of elaborate scam since I know he had some troubles lately. Then as I got more details, I felt angry and betrayed because I just spoke to him the day before and he said everything was fine, then started making sure things were still going great for me. It wasn’t until I had to start informing relatives that I felt the sadness and despair. The sound of the shrieking cry that my Mother let out upon hearing the news is one that I’ll never forget. Then, I had to go from telling her, to calling my uncle to let him know that his only remaining brother was dead. The worst part came from letting my sister know, since I physically saw her reaction, and I could understand it since we both held out hope that maybe one day my father and her would have a closer relationship.
If anyone out there reading this was ever considering suicide, I really hope that you pay attention to the last part that I wrote and consider how it affects the people that you leave behind. The folks who are in your corner, but the pain, bruised pride or lingering depression may have caused you to lose sight of. Talk to someone about your problems, whether it’s a doctor, a spiritual counselor, or even just someone you know who is living positive. Hell, you can even contact me if you want, and I’ll listen to you. Just don’t let stuff build up to the point where it leads to irrational or self-destructive actions. You’d be surprised just how powerful getting things off your chest can be. That, and prayer have been what’s allowed me to be strong in the midst of all of this.
I definitely want to thank my family and friends for all of the incredible support I’ve gotten during this difficult time. There are no words to describe how much it means to me. The funeral is Saturday morning at 11:00 a.m. If anyone wants to send flowers, cards or letters, the funeral home information is below. You can address it to “Leon Scott” since my father and I shared the name…But don’t call me junior! If any of you calls me “Junior” trying to be funny, I’ll drop-kick you in the kidneys and make you pee on yourself.
A.L. Bennett & Son Funeral Home, Inc
200 Butternut Drive
Fredericksburg, VA 22408
(540)898-7970
I love you, Dad.
i’m so sorry to hear about your loss from the bottom of my heart. you’re wrong though…way stronger than i could ever be during a time like this. may the lord be with you today and always. you’re in my prayers :)
My heartfelt prayers and condolences go out to you, your sister and the rest of your family. I know it took a lot of heart to post this but it helped me realize some things and I’m sure it will be beneficial to others. Stay strong and know that you have God, your family, and friends on your side.
my prayers and goes out to you and your family…this is deep and im glad you decided to post it. it touched my heart dearly…
my deepest sympathies go out to you and your family during this trying time Leon, its good to see that you are being strong for your loved ones
god bless bro
I am sorry to hear about your loss. God bless!
You and your family have my deepest sympathies. I know you’ll miss him a whole lot. He spit you out for real. Looks like he was a pretty handsome dude in his day.
I work with your mom and I wanted to not only express my sympathies, but also let you know that your mom is proud of you for handling arrangements and being a good son and big brother. Lastly, I want to thank you for being there for your mom. She’s a wonderful teacher and friend and I’m glad she has a great son like you.
Our thoughts are with all of you
Wow Leon.. It’s crazy how posts like these brings your own life into perspective, and you realize how much you’ve got compared to the next person… I haven’t talked to my dad in two years, and after reading your post, I called him and basically got the wheel rolling for us… It’s hard to see how stupid you are when you let pride and ego get in the way, and reading this post really slapped the shit out of me.
Thanks for that, and I’m so sorry about your loss. I can only imagine what its like to lose the other half of the people that created you. He’s in a better place, and he’s not suffering anymore. That’s really the only way to think about it. If you ever need somebody to talk to, I’m a great listener. I know we’re not that close, but I’m really open and despite how psychotic I come off, I’m really a nice person and a great listener.
You know, at some point in my own life, I was pretty self destructive. And after reading about suicides, I realized how selfish an act it was and how much I’d hurt the people that love me if I left them behind. I wish your dad would of known this, because I’m sure if he did- he wouldn’t have left you, your sister, or anybody else that loves him behind to deal with this tragedy. Your in my thoughts and prayers, Leon. Stay strong…
Leon,
Thank you for your post. You provided what I needed to know my thoughts are selfish. It is remarkable that while you are going through such an emotional trial you are still thinking of others and I thank you.
I am praying for your family. Death regardless of the how it occurs is a powerful and life changing. Always focus on the good times and the love you have. It will help you overcome the times of loneliness and grief.
May God be with you and yours.
This is my first time here, thanx to Lola Gets. Thank U for sharing this with the world, Leon. Some of us need to hear this. I’ll be adding U to my blog roll and posting about the period in life when I contemplated suicide….it is a subject that we need to address. Again, Thank U! U & your family are in my prayers.
God bless you. My prayers are with you and yours.
I’m here by way of Lola’s blog.
Thank you sharing a part of your life with us.
My father committed suicide and you hit it on the nail that the people that are left behind are the ones that deal with so many emotions.
Leon my heart goes out to you and your family. Thank you for sharing this with us.
Cousin,
You know that our thoughts and prayers are constantly with you and the rest of the family. Much love, and know that God remains present especially when times seems too difficult to bear. I wish you His peace.
Leon,
I came across your page randomly by searching/surfing the web; however I have to say this blog is one that I frequently visit. And through the text I feel like, “Hey I somewhat know this dude” but in the midst of it all – I really don’t. Although, with each entry that gives insight on the man you are, sharing your personal & private issues, bearing your soul online makes me wonder – how could I not be compassionate at your time of need. I do wish you and your family all the best, and I’m truly sorry for your loss (I’ll remember to keep you guys in thought & prayer). The same way you said if anyone needs someone to converse with, even if it’s you… I extend the same offer to you. Just hold on & keep on going! One luv!!!
i am praying for u anmd your family…my father is in a similar spot right now in his life and all we (I) can do is give the situation God…stay strong sweetie.
So sorry to hear about your father. God Bless you and your family.
Sorry for your loss…
Blessings to you and your family.
this is so hurtful to deal with and i can only offer my deepest sincerest best wishes that you can heal yourself and go forward
dude, I know you’re back to trash talking which we luv, but i found out today that on the same day you posted this, 4/9, someone else was posting something similar http://joeypulone.typepad.com/blog/2008/04/a-small-bit-of.html (I hadn’t met her before, though my colleagues did.) it’s obviously not the same. (quote seemed relevant)
I’m so sorry Leon. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Love u too, CUZ. B EZ, Jay
So sorry, Leon. I can’t even imagine what you and your family are going thru. My deepest sympathies go out to you and yours.
My deepest condolences to you and your family, Leon. I just read this today and I swear my missed a beat. I appreciate your bravery in posting this and hope someone is touched, helped and heard because of it. I’ll be praying for your comfort and healing during these difficult times.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. After reading the sex talk, I can see where you got your sense of humour from. My deepest sympathies to you and your family.
Im sorry to hear of this terrible news. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Leon,
My condolences to you and your family for your loss. I pray that you all are able to find comfort during this time.
Dear Mr. Scott, First of all let me offer my condolences to you and your family. I will be sure to include you in my prayers. Secondly, thank you very much for your kind words to the Morgan State young lady and for reaching out to her. I can see from her recent blog entry that you had a positive impact on a possibly suicidal person. God bless you for giving her some “food for thought”. I know her mother for over 15 years now and, though some day she will find out about her daughter’s ordeal-if she doesn’t already know. If she does, she hasn’t let it be known.-I believe kowing and helping her daughter through it is FAR BETTER than burying her most beloved child. Again, I say God bless you, and may your pain soon be replaced by wonderful memories. This world needs more good people like yourself.
Hi Leon,
I am so sorry about your loss. We, at Forum One, are thinking of you and your family.
Regards,
America
Dear Leon
Today I went into google to get some inspiration for a Funeral I will be attending later today and came accross your message. I trust that you and your family are doing better and that you are on the road to recovery, because when this happended to my family (my elder brother)it felt like I had been “drop-kicked in the kidneys”, the person doing the kicking being my brother who was not perfect, but an integral part of our lives. I swore,and raged at him, for not being stronger because that is how he always came accross, to us (five sisters) at least. This happened 7 years ago (5 June) and I still get mad when I relive this day, if not daily anymore, at least at every family gathering. I did not realise until reading your message that I have not really forgiven him for the pain he caused to those of us who were left behind to deal with “the details” of a life in agony. Your message, is your first step in the recovery process and therefore I commend you, my sincere condolences on your loss, my prayers will be with you and your family long into the future. I hesitate to add, that maybe I am now ready to take those final steps to my own full recovery….
Leon,
I just ran across your site, now at the start of 2010. I attended your Dad’s services but probably did not get to meet you. We went to the same school, church and even shared the same neighborhood. My grandparents lived around the corner (Lafayette Blvd) from the Scott family on Spottswood St. Your Dad was a super guy, I was quite saddened when I learned of his death. He would be so proud to know that you are sharing with others, even in the midst of your grief. Please continue to speak your feelings, remember to pray without ceasing and if you are not already, attend a Bible-based church. May God continue to bless and keep you.
i always used to send flowes on my ex-GF but now i seldom do so~,: