I did a bad thing on the train this morning.
While on the Gallery Place/Chinatown station platform, I stood in a crowd, glancing down at the Washington Post Express newspaper. I saw that they quoted Arjewtino, which made me smile. Yesterday, they quoted AllieNicole, so obviously, it is a sign that I am among the cool crowd as far as blogging is concerned. It’s only a matter of time until they quote me again!
Unfortunately, my moment of nerd zen was rudely interrupted when a fat lady in a tan power-suit bumped into me, trying to push her way into better position to enter the train. I knew it was intentional, but I had to take a step back and think to myself: “Should I say something mean, or should I let it slide. I want to push her back, but she’s a woman…”
Then, I had an ephiphany, and the only thought left in my head was: “If she’s man enough to push me, she’s man enough to get pushed back!”
I took my shoulder and nudged her with about the same pressure that she pushed me with. She looked back at me angrily, and bumped me back. That’s when I decided to have fun with this portly woman with the bad attitude and cheap suit. I nudged her one more time gently, but then I stuck my elbow out like Dikembe Mutombo boxing out for a rebound. She tried to bump me again, but she ended up backing her fat shoulder right into my elbow. It was then, and only then, that I said “That’s what your dumb ass gets” before slowly sliding over a bit to where there was more space.
I know you’re probably thinking my behavior was mean and petty, but when you think about it, I did that angry lady a favor. There are a lot of guys who don’t have as much respect for women as I do. I’m sure somebody on that train would have actually swung on that lady after getting pushed. I might have shown her that she’s not stronger than a man, thus saving her from one day ending up on the recieving end of a one-hitter quitter knockout punch from some guy who happened to channel the spirit of Ike Turner. I don’t want to see her big ass get knocked out in the same manner as what happened to Suge Knight recently.
Seriously women, I love y’all…but please do not try to physically confront or intimidate a grown-ass man. That sh*t might work on your kids when they’re little, but it’s not cool when you try it on strangers. You never know if the dude is crazy. It’s best to remember that, and also remember nature’s limitations when it comes to your physical ability. Don’t end up like Lebron James’ mom, getting cursed out on national television for sticking her nose in grown-man business!
Now that I have written all of this, I want to re-assure all of you that I do not advocate violence on women. I have never hit a woman, and I don’t respect men who do. However, I will do the little things to let a woman know any thoughts she may have entertained of whupping me are quite asinine. That includes:
- the “Calm The F*ck Down” Firm Wrist Grip,
- the “Remember, I’m Stronger Than You” Shove
- and I guess now, the “Mutombo Elbow of Death”
Yeah, she had it coming. The elbow was a genius move. My only recourse is usually a loud sigh and sometimes a “WHAT THE FUCK” if needed. I don’t want a bitch pulling my hair on the platform.
- the “Calm The F*ck Down” Firm Wrist Grip,
- the “Remember, I’m Stronger Than You” Shove
OK, would I need some therapy if I said that I’m suddenly turned on?
LOL. Not the “Calm The F*ck Down” Firm Wrist Grip. No one’s used that on my since the 90s. *sigh* Sometimes people make you act a fool and apparently this is one of those times. She deserved to get punked down though.
@Wonderlove…yes. you do need therapy. LOL. Well, maybe not. If you said you were turned on by the “what the f**k is wrong with you shake” then you’d need a little therapy.
What about the “Shake The Shit Outta You” two-handed squeeze? It works wonders.
LMAO
and LOL@WOnderlove, because I love a man who can flex his muscle with out FLEXING His backhand! So make that group therapy!
Line of the day: “Seriously women, I love y’all…but please do not try to physically confront or intimidate a grown-ass man.” PREACH ON!!
-OG
I saw something similar this morning, too, only with less violence. This large woman came on the train, looked around at a whole bunch of empty seats, and took one in the middle where this small woman was sitting. The small woman gave her a look that said, “Are you fucking serious?” before moving her shit. The large woman sat down, happy as a clam to secure what I assume was her lucky seat, squishing the now-surly small woman against the window.
THAT, my friend, made me smile.
@kayellejaye, I feel you, it’s like the “you lucky I don’t wanna go to jail for shaking the shit outta you” hold. But with that lady I think I would have just stepped in front of her and pushed her backwards with what little butt I have LOL. Or just said “EXCUSE YOU” extremely loudly. :)
Need pics bruh… need pics!!! I’m tryna get a visual of you elbowing this behemoth broad as she was in a rush to her Jenny Craig session.
She deserved it! I don’t’ even think she thought she was stronger than you, she was just a RUDE heffa.
I’m going to have to have a word with Google about some of the ads being displayed…That’s all I’m saying. LOL
@ Kayellejaye, that shake is where I draw the line. I’m scared I might enjoy it too much and become some kind of habitual woman-shaker
@ Arjewtino, that’s funny! she was stuck between a heiffer and a hard place!
@ Wonderlove, glad I could get the juices flowing :)
@ G-Mo, the sad thing is, I actually had the camera on me, but didn’t think about using it
Leon you are TOO crazy- wrist grip and shove?? HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
I’ve known a few dudes who utilize the “Stop All Your Damn Yellin in Public” Shoulder Shake. Not on me, mind you, but I’ve seen it in Walmart parking lots from time to time.
And, um, I’m wondering if there’s still a slot open for that therapy session with Wonderlove and OG, cause I might have to sit in, too
*pictures Leon raising his voice and gripping wrists… with his sexy ass…* LMAO!!!
Yeah Leon…you DO need to have a word with Google about them ads. Almost changed my life.
Always fun reading your misadventures on the train in DC. No commuter rails here in Wisconsin. But I be on that commuter bus from Milwaukee to Madison every morning, and I STAY with some shades on and my ipod blasting to make myself look as uninviting as humanly possibly. There’s not enough Black folks on that commuter bus to try and test my gangster!
LMAO…I wonder was it Peggy Bundy a.k.a Big Nasty…ha, ha, ha.
Haaaaaaahahahaha!
Fat bitch got what she deserved! Lucky I wasn’t with you….I’ve been known to cut up on Metro.
But you’re right…if you man enough to hit a man then you man enough to get bitch-slapped! If men don’t have a right to hit, slap, push or punch a woman then what right does a woman have?
great point leon. at some point in every relationship ive been in ive had to slam the shit out of at least one time during our relationship. I make sure it’s on a bed or couch but they will realize the power of testosterone once they get lifted vertical and monkey dumped into a free fall.
While locked in the CTFD wrist grab, a well-executed flying arm bar makes for a great follow up move.
So true about the physical limitations. My son is 14 and I can’t move him. If I move him, it’s because he let me.
@blkolivegrrl: Have you been to the gym lately. I bet that I can move your son – because I lift weights baby not spoons.