It’s a celebration, b*tches! Party at R. Kelly’s house!
In case you haven’t heard, The Pied Piper of R&B was acquitted on all counts today. It took six years and numerous jokes, but finally R. Kelly can say that he’s a free man. Coming from the perspective of someone who watched the tape back in the day in a ladies dorm room at Howard University with three co-eds in their pajamas, I must say that R’s legal team must have been on their job. I say this, because that damn sure looked like him on the tape.
You know what’s even worse, if you play devil’s advocate and go with the theory that wasn’t R. Kelly on that tape, it means that the girl at the center of all this got peed on by some regular everyday dude. That wasn’t even famous guy urine! It was more like Randy, the night manager at Wendy’s piss. Whoever the true cuplrit was, he pulled a fast one on our little urine-soaked fortune-seeker.
That trial had some hilarious moments. The star witness was some chick who claimed to have had threesomes with R. Kelly and the alleged victim years ago. Her credibility was kind of shot when she admitted to stealing R’s Rolex from his hotel room. I hope she got peed on, too…because she deserved it.
Here are some pearls of wisdom that I learned, thanks to the R. Kelly Trial:
- Become famous, but more importantly, make a whole lot of money so you can hire good lawyers if you get hemmed up in a pissy situation like this one.
- Use grainy footage when making homemade smut, so that you can deny actually being on tape. HD or Blu-Ray quality sex tape = Jail time. Sh*tty VHS quality = Plausible deniability.
- Put the trial off as long as possible. The longer it takes, the less people remember details(hence, the less-angry they’ll be).
- While awaiting trial, make a nonsense soap-opera song/video, just for the f*ck of it.
- Also, keep working to pay off all of those underage b*tches, I mean, legal matters.
There you have it. Now, let me get ready to celebrate. I just got through setting up an orgy at my place tonight with The Cheetah Girls. That’s right…ALL OF ‘EM! Even the Condoleeza Rice-looking one. Now that I know the rules of the game thanks to R, I’m going to see what that Disney Channel tang is all about!
Sure looked like him to me, but I knew his ass was getting off. Too many remixes out here to be made.
I would have been shocked if he HAD been found guilty. This has been going on way too long.
LMAO@ the Condi-lookin Cheetah Girl. You are so right!
O.J. and R., kindred spirits.
You know shorty who got rained on probably got paid millions of dollars to deny it. I don’t blame her. I’d let Halle piss on me for a few million and keep my mouth shut.
Peeing on girls > dog fighting
His defense team did a good job of creating reasonable doubt. He is 41 years old now. I hope he stays away from any women below 21.
i knew that nasty fool was going to get off. let’s hope we don’t see him again. next time the fool might be dancing on the hood of the car…
leon, i hate you! i was NOT supposed to laugh at this, but i did. it takes a special kind of (sick) person to turn something like this into comedy. and you, my friend, do it well.
Ok. So little boys have to stay away from Michael Jackson and little girls have to R. Kelly.
No matter how you put it, grainy tape or not… you know damn well he pissed on that little girl. Although she may be a Hoe… she was underage. His ass should be in jail.
I was pretty pissed off about the verdict, and damn you for making me actually laugh about it! Talk about turning a shit sammich into something…
But for real, this goes to show you what society thinks about young black girls…If we as black men aren’t on the lookout for them, who is?
Okay, first of all I am mad you said an orgy with The Cheetah girls!!!!
Yeah, it’s messed up R. Kelly got off! I will never cut to an R. Kelly CD again.
Kelly is foul and u know he dont use conmdoms
Okay for some reason. I just knew R “Piss On Me” Kelly was going to get off. Im upset i can’t even put my own two cents into this cause i’ve never seen the tape *anyone want to let me borrow their copy???* or do i need to get it from blockbusters??? lol
But umm you where just wrong about the Condoleeza Rice-looking Cheetah Girl! shame shame shame! We all can’t be like the piped piper!
She got all that damn money, why she walkin’ round looking like Condi?
Anyway back to the original point…I knew just like everyone else that he was gonna be found not guilty. Maybe the tape I saw was fake but at one point he had hair, then another point he didn’t. I stopped watching it after a while cause it was just that girl dancing, I ain’t wanna see that sh*t.
I wonder if R.Kelly will stop paying off the girl and her family since he has been found not guilty? R.Kelly the Talented Pervert.
BWAHAHWA! Your right. She got a regular old golden shower from some dude who wear pump up reeboks
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Wow, nice! That is just what I want!