Urinal Distance Is A Must
Posted by ListenToLeon on
June 25, 2008
Earlier, I had to break down one of the Man Laws for a young lady who failed to see what most guys feel is completely logical and normal behavior. Her question was: There Are Five Urinals. The 1st and 3rd urinal are taken. Which one do you choose?
My answer was “There is no question. You walk over to urinal number 5 and handle your business.”
After hearing her ask why, I had to explain why men must keep at least 1 urinal space in between whenever possible. Sensing that she was going to try to turn this into some sort of assumption of masculine insecurity or homophobia, I had to break it down for her. Here are the two main reasons why we do this, ladies:
1.) Errant piss spray. The overall design of most urinals makes sprayback a real possibility when doing Number 1. Spotting piss-mist on the front of your new shoes, especially another man’s piss-mist, is enough to ruin a perfectly good day. Why even put yourself in that position, when you can walk over a few steps to the next urinal and avoid it altogether?
2.) Sometimes, there really are perverts who will reckless-eyeball you. I worked at this department store back in the day, and during the Christmas season, a customer in the store came to me and reported a pervert who was hanging around the urinals trying to sneak a peek at d*cks. I went in the bathroom to wash my hands and blow my nose about a half-hour earlier, and saw this effeminate guy in a blazer who looked rather suspicious. His gay-ish appearance wasn’t what made me think this. I thought he was suspicious because he was at one of the urinals when I walked in, and still there when I finished my battle with the toughest booger I’ve ever encountered in my life. I don’t want to go into too much detail…but have you ever had a booger in your nose, that just WILL NOT come out, no matter how much you blow into a tissue? Just up there hanging on, like this is some kind of Die Hard action flick? Well, I had the John McClane of boogers in my nose, and I did everything in my power to avoid having to actually pick it with my finger. Eventually, I got it out without me having to dig for gold in my nostrils and get that thing on my hand…
So even after this extended booger battle, Suspected D*ck Peeper was still standing there. Once a customer complained, I called security and told them the situation. I wasn’t about to go in there and try to aprehend that nasty f*cker myself. No telling what kind of accidental d*ck residue might have gotten on me. I made it a point to page the meanest, scariest, biggest, security guard working in the store. He was one of those big corn-fed white dudes…The type of guy who still looks angry, even when when he’s smiling. I am not scared of too many people who breathe the same air as me, but he’s the type that could slap your mother right in front of you, and you’d look at your mom and be like “Uh Mom…You think we can let it one slide this one time?”
I saw Corn-Fed Security Guy walk past my section with his usual “I’ll Beat You Within An Inch Of Your Life” scowl. Then, about 20 seconds later, I saw him dragging Suspected D*ck Peeper out by his suit jacket while the guy was still trying to explain himself. It was hilarious, yet a grim reminder that occasionally, you run the risk of having a penile invasion of privacy while using the public bathroom.
So there you have it. Two valid reasons why men don’t like to pee next to each other. Forward this to every woman on Earth, in order to set the record straight once and for all.
20 Responses to “Urinal Distance Is A Must”
This is too funny…….I sure hope she understod.
By Lashawn on Jun 25, 2008
You forgot to mention #3…
Those folks (white) who like to have a conversation at the urinal. MAN THAT IS THE WORST!! Don’t talk to me while I’m taking a leak, I’m concentrating you bastard! What is there to talk about at the urinal? Utterly confusing…
Ok, back to reality. Good post.
-Ed.
By Ed The Sports Fan on Jun 25, 2008
Thanks for clarifying that for us women. Although I already knew about the 1st explination. My fiancé told me he refused to use the urinal because of the splash back, he goes in a stall.
By MissJay on Jun 25, 2008
OK, even though I vomited a little in my mouth about your booger saga, can I still have a bear? But please wash your hands first! Thanks.
By WonderLove on Jun 25, 2008
So, good to know that y’all just don’t miss the big ass open toilet bowl but y’all can’t aim for the urinal either. One rquest please….Put the damn toilet seat down when you’re done. Especially in the middle of the freakin night. if I got freestyle my way outta toilet water one more time I’m withholding the pudenda. I mean it!!
By The Common Share on Jun 25, 2008
Awwwww dude… piss mist!!! Ha ha. But I know wha’cha talkin’ bout playa. This one drunk azz dude misfired at the Redskins game once and you know how crowded those joints get on game days. I saw the stream heading toward my Timbs and I was quick enough to move my foot to the side though. I think I woulda caught a charge that day homie.
By G. Mo on Jun 25, 2008
I do the exact same thing in the women’s stalls! I get pissed (pun) when someone comes in the stall right next to me. It’s every other, dammit!
By Babs on Jun 25, 2008
Babs,
You’ve gotta be kidding! Every other stall???
I don’t even care or notice where other women choose to piss once I’m in my stall. It’s like my own little Fort Knox. At least we don’t have to worry about piss-mist or someone trying to sneak a peek.
By Karen on Jun 25, 2008
lmbao
By rawdawgbuffalo on Jun 25, 2008
I agree babs…I have an every other rule too. Or if it’s set up like this:
stall | |stall
stall | |occupied
stall | |stall
I sho will be like this
me | |stall
stall | |occupied
stall | |stall
By KaNisa on Jun 25, 2008
I just always wondered why Anglo dudes pressed their torso and legs all up against the urinal to form a hermetic seal with the porcelain while they drain the vein, especially in a suit! It makes no sense. All that piss mist ricocheting right back onto your breeches, shirt, hands, meat, whatever…it’s just nasty. I truly believe that this maneuver even forms a chimney that causes the pisser to inhale his own exhaust while making his bladder gladder. White people are just vile.
By anonymousnupe on Jun 25, 2008
his usual “I’ll Beat You Within An Inch Of Your Life” scowl.
LOL
thats some really funny s*#t!
By Buji on Jun 26, 2008
John McClane of boogers.
By Omari on Jun 26, 2008
I agree with the every other as well. At work, I usually go into the first stall there when you walk into the door, and when people come in the stall right next to me while there are others open, it makes me cringe. I am a little concerned because we have overhead lights and not only can you see people’s toes, you can see the shadows of tampons being unwrapped, etc, which I inevitably will see since I have to stare at the floor during the ergonomic squat.
By Alda on Jun 26, 2008
whitey confesses…i’ve done it once or twice at a club myself. i suppose i’m just a conversational kinda guy, and i think the alcohol makes it somewhat more excusable.
By andy on Jun 26, 2008
@KaNisa- precisely! And I’m mad you took the time to sketch the bathroom! lol
By Babs on Jun 26, 2008
Thank you Babs!!!!!!!
The reason for this is OBVIOUS! What if I happen to be doing poopies?!?! Then here comes some friendly assed woman choosing the stall next to mine, out of every other unoccupied stall in the restrooms to pee! It’s not right.. Or hell, even if the roles were switched and I happened to be pee’ing, and they happened to be pooping. WHY would you make it a fucking point to go into the stall next to mine! All farting and pushing, being audible and gross! NO THX!
Oh and my other pet peeve are bathroom dwellers. Those fucking females that make it a point to have a conversation in the bathroom while your trying to #2! It’s like dang, now I can’t even fart cause these two assholes can’t walk their dumb asses outside to finish talking about whatever gossip they happened to stumble on that day!
By KraZy34th on Jun 27, 2008
LMAO@ KraAY34th The bathroom dwellers thing I can relate to. Just GTFO already! I’m tryin to move my bowels dammit!
By MissJay on Jun 27, 2008
I am so mad you said poopies! But I feel you.
By Babs on Jun 29, 2008