Sometimes, you get warning signs that tell you that your day isn’t going to go the way that you planned it. This morning, that sign came in the form of sexual assault…by a mosquito.
I swear to God I couldn’t make up a scenario like this. I went in the bathroom to take care of the Three S’s (sh*t, shower and shave…preferrably in that order) and while finishing S#1, I felt a pain. A pain in the ass. My right butt-cheek in particular. That’s when I realized I’d been bitten by a mosquito before I even got a chance to pull my underwear back up over my backside.
Do you realize what this means?! My hindparts will periodically itch, and I will be forced to either tough it out, or scratch it and look like some nasty dude whose been wearing the same draws for 5 days straight. You know what else? The odds of a random mosquito bite on that part of the body are so slim, it leads me to believe that this was a targeted attack. That mosquito was probably watching me, talking ’bout “Mmmmmm. Yeah, this one’s been working out! I’m getting a piece of that ass right there! Look so good, I just wanna BITE that motherf*cker! Uh oh, time to make my move! I’m about to tear that ass up…OHYEAH!”
As you can see, this is serious business right here. Creeping up on a man in such a vulnerable position and biting his ass makes one worthy of death. I had no choice but to kill that mosquito for disrespecting the sanctitiy and innocence of my booty. PETA can protest my site all they want. I cannot in good conscience let that mosquito go free to fly around DC biting asses all willy-nilly. Until a rehabilitation program is established for deviant mosquitoes, capital punishment is the way to deal with them.