Cannot Escape The Stank
Posted by ListenToLeon on
September 17, 2008
My nostrils got assaulted this morning. It was not even a fair fight, because the strike came without any kind of warning. Yes, the invisible enemy known as extreme body odor beat my nostrils within an inch of their sniffling little lives on M Street, NW around 9AM.
I was minding my own business, thinking happy thoughts of breakfast food. Swine! Glorious swine! You know…in my happy place.
All of a sudden, I walk out the door of the little breakfast place, and onto the street. I realize that I’m caught in some sort of tailwind, or gravitational force. Then, as I took my first breath, I realized that this unknown force smelled horrific! It was underarm stench, but an enhanced version. Like Barry Bonds, BALCO steriod body odor.
Have you ever smelled something so rancid, that you could kind of feel it on your face? Like ultraviolet stink rays were being emitted from it, and hitting you? That’s how bad this fellow’s stench was. Radioactive levels!
The worst part about it was that he seemed to be walking towards the same place I was. I saw him turn the corner that I was about to turn, and thought to myself “Why God? WHY?!” I contemplated slowing down and hanging back for about 50 feet, but I did not want to be late. Instead, I went around the guy, and accelerated the pace. That way, if he happened to be going to the same building as I, there is NO CHANCE that we’ll have to share an elevator. Being cooped up in a small metal room with body odor of that magnitude could prove to be lethal.
As you see, I escaped and lived to tell the tale. It took some quick thinking, and shrewd sidewalk maneuvering, but I’m alive and stank-free!
7 Responses to “Cannot Escape The Stank”
On marta…On metro when I was there..
it’s bad.
like your face does the stankface look before U can do anything about it.
By MR.6'5 on Sep 17, 2008
Gives a whole new meaning to “He put his stank on it,” doesn’t it?
By anonymousnupe on Sep 17, 2008
Seen’t you in the Express again this mornin’, maing. They must really be hurtin’ for quality content.
By anonymousnupe on Sep 18, 2008
@ Anonymousnupe, I know from you, that means “congratulations”, so thanks.
@ Mr. 6′5, it’s really bad when your face frowns up before your brain has had enough time to process it!
By ListenToLeon on Sep 18, 2008
OMG! I had the same problem on the train yesterday evening! This dude say next to me and smelled like everything horrible in the world…..plus liquor. I wanted to get up soooo bad but the train was crowded and I wasn’t about to stand up in stilettos for the remainder of the ride. I just kept gagging and fanning. He had the nerve to keep wiping his runny nose with his hand. I wanted to ask him if his own funk was making his nose run. Funky bastard….
By Ms. Butta on Sep 18, 2008
Glad I saw this in Express this morning so I could share my pain. (Congrats again :) This dude must have been making his rounds. He assaulted my nostrils yesterday evening on the train as well. When he sat down in front of me I was like “Ooohhh weee.” The crazy thing is, he was with his wife and they looked like decent folks that live in a home with running water, cable and such. So WTF? Did she not smell him? Or maybe she’s got some kind of fetish for the funk and he was building up ten days worth for her?
By Vivrant Thang on Sep 18, 2008
Maybe she doesn’t have a sense of smell. No really I work with someone who can not smell a thing. It’s weird….
By MissJay on Sep 18, 2008