On my Facebook page, I placed the above photo of Stoney Jackson recently to amuse my friends. Unfortunately, this led one of them to mention the abomination that is the movie Trippin’ since Stoney played a stuttering thug in the film.Trippin’ was easily one of the worst movies that I’ve ever seen, so just the thought of it made me cringe. I’m the type of guy who can watch bad movies, just to laugh at how bad they are, but occcasionally a film comes along that is so horrible that it flat-out angers me for stealing an hour or two from my life.
I next wondered how many other films were so bad, that it pained me to watch them. As a public service announcement for the benefit of your retinas, I have compiled a list of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, in no particular order:
Who’s That Girl
I woke up one morning at my cousin’s house after a night of heavy drinking, and this movie came on HBO. I was too tired and hungover to get to the remote control, yet I could not seem to tune it out and go to sleep. Being a helpless witness to this film is similar to Chinese water torture, inflicted by someone with an annoyingly exaggerated city-girl accent. I didn’t drink again for two months after that ordeal.
This film struck a crippling blow to the career of “Bud” from The Cosby Show. I’m sure he doesn’t even put this on his resume when auditioning for new roles. I made fun of it enough in the first paragraph of this entry, so I’ll leave it at this: There are naked breasts in this movie, which makes about 45 seconds of it worth watching. Everything else should be damned straight to Hell.
I’m ‘Bout It
The film that marked the turning point where any rapper whose album went Gold began to beleive that they too, could make a straight-to-DVD Hood movie. I wanted to like it, because the soundtrack was one of the my favorite albums to come from Master P’s No Limit Records in the late 90’s. Alas, this movie was crap, and there is no way to sugar-coat it. It’s like whomever wrote it decided to copy their favorite scenes from other movies, and re-create them with bad actors in the middle of a rough neighborhood in pre-Katrina New Orleans. Picture Scarface meets Good Times, and you have I’m Bout It.
Shitty. If anyone asked me to sum up this movie in one word, I would use that one with no hesitation whatsoever. The man spit in a little girl’s face, and that wasn’t even the most f*cked up part of the film. Excuse my French, but it’s impossible to discuss Killa Season without cursing in disgust. It is the perfect storm of ignorance and poor production quality.
When I tried to watch this, I thought to myself “It can’t be as bad as people say it is.” I mean, I even watched Mariah Carey’s Glitter and thought she was a little bit unfairly criticized for it. Yes, it sucked, but it wasn’t as bad as people made it out to be. Therefore, I thought that maybe Gigli might have some slight appeal to it when I came on cable late one night.
I thought wrong.
I could not make it through that entire film. I tried, twice. Both attempts ended in me cutting off the television, and pondering if this movie led to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s breakup. It is safe to assume that there is no way that either one of them wants to even think about the unspeakable horror that was Gigli. Having sex with a constant reminder of the worst thing you’ve ever done has to have taken quite an emotional toll on the both of them. So when you really think about it, Gigli is life-alteringly bad.
Jeepers Creepers 2
I only saw this one because I had free advance screeing tickets. I knew it would be bad. That said, this was the first time I’d ever gone to a free movie, and still felt like I paid too much. First of all, the monster looked like some kind of half-assed Batman mixed with a little Freddy Kruger. It scared no one. Plus, the director kept finding reasons to show young guys working on a farm with their shirts off, which gave the non-horror scenes all kinds of softcore homo-erotic undertones. My girlfriend at the time alleges that she noticed movie critic Arch Campbell walking out of the theater because it was so bad. When someone eho gets paid to watch movies can’t even stomach something, then it’s horrible beyond measure.
Let me know what you think of my list, and please add suggestions that you feel should be added to it in the comments section below.