The Gout Strikes Back!
Posted by ListenToLeon on
December 16, 2008
I am officially an old man. As I mentioned before in one of my more candid blog entries, I have THE GOUT! As I also said before, you are no longer considered young or cool once you come down with a condition with “The” in front of the name. Think about it: When was the last time you heard of someone sexy say they have the whooping cough? It just doesn’t happen!
Most people that have medical issues like this are at least 60 years old and out of shape. Which is why there is only ONE valid explanation for my having the gout: I have done enough partying and fast-living in my 31 years for TWO lifetimes of low-life degenerates! I guess it’s time to slow it down a taste.
Of course, all of this somber retrospection is happening because I am in a bit of pain. When you’re not able to do the things that you took for granted, like walking comfortably, you have to live right. I couldn’t be a pimp right now if I wanted to! I can’t threaten to put a foot to anyone’s ass, if I can’t even put proper shoes on my own foot! My hypothetical stable of hoes would walk their clear stripper heels all over me right now.
All pimp jokes aside, this situation is hard for me. I have a lot of pride, so it’s hard for me to admit that I’m not invincible! Especially since my weakness isn’t Kryptonite, but eating unhealthy foods and drinking too much beer! How would Superman look, being taken down by a rib eye steak and a 6 pack of Heineken? I don’t embarrass easily…but I’m saying! This is proof that God has a sense of humor. A razor sharp, wicked one at that!
On the bright side, if I actually do start eating a balanced diet and limiting my beer drinking(or cut it out altogether), I should be straight, according to the Dr. Plus, I have other gifts to make up for the fact that every 8 months or so, Gout has me walking like a bowlegged pirate on stilts. I’m funny…I’m somewhat handsome on my good days…I wasn’t blessed with height, but the leg that counts is definitely tall enough and ALWAYS works(references and testimonials can be provided, ladies)…along with all of that, you guys like me enough to regularly come over here and read the random thoughts that float through my head and end up typed on your monitor screens.
Despite the fact that I have to get my act together as far as this old man ailment is concerned, it could always be worse.
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27 Responses to “The Gout Strikes Back!”
awww… i hope you feel better
By tayeski on Dec 16, 2008
lmao@how even though you telling us about your gout, you’re quick to reassure us you’re not so broke down you need a prescription for viagra. having gout isn’t emasculating so long as the dong can continue to stroke long, right?
By nikki indigo on Dec 16, 2008
@ nikki, EXACTLY! I may not be able to leap tall building in a single bound…but I can make your legs shake uncontrollably. That’s gotta count for something!
Thank you @ tayeski. It’s getting better. That’s why I didn’t update yesterday…I was drugged up ans sleepy all day.
By ListenToLeon on Dec 16, 2008
Feel better and STAY focused, lol @ talking about your ailment to talking about your THIRD leg lol
By msdailey on Dec 16, 2008
Of course you’d mention the “leg that counts”
There’s a saying that if a man says it’s big – it ain’t.
Just an fyi. ;)
By deutlich on Dec 16, 2008
@ deutlich, “big” is a relative term LOL. I said “tall enough.” If you’re a NORMAL woman, you’d probably like Leon Jr. jr. If you’re some kind of size queen who is looking to be impaled like a pig at a barbque…THEN you might need to skip me and look into meeting a pornstar or something! LOL
@ msdailey, I’ll try my best to stay focused!
By ListenToLeon on Dec 16, 2008
Did you see the Google ad to stop Gout attacks? LOL! I hope you feel better soon.
By leigh on Dec 16, 2008
Apparently, 31 is the new 60!! LOL Hope you feel better man.
By Hostess on Dec 16, 2008
Cheer up Leon. Hey, I wrote a song about the gout. Want to hear it? Here it goes:
GOUT!
GOUT!
It makes me shout!
This is the pain I can live without.
Come on.
I’m limping in shoes.
Come on.
In better times.
You shouldn’t have to, live with the fear.
It’s shiny, bright….red.
I really really want a cold beer.
But my swollen toe.
Says kiss booze goodbye.
Along, with all, the good foods I know.
Ive got GOUT!
GOUT!
It’s making me shout!
My feets swelled up, my toe’s sticking out.
Come on! I’m crying boo-hoo! Come on!
It’s changed, my life.
And in return, turned it to hell.
As hot, as flame.
Everytime I walk/I yell:
GOUT!
GOUT!
It’s making me shout!
This is a pain I could do without! Come on!
And when you’ve swallowed, down all of your pills
And changed your diet
The pain is there still.
GOUT!
GOUT!
It’s making me shout!
GOUT!
GOUT!
It’s making me shout! This is a pain I could do without!
Come on!
*I didn’t write this song. I just wish I did.
By M. Slade on Dec 16, 2008
Well at least if you’re going to have an illness, you have one of the ones with the most comic appeal!
By Marissa on Dec 16, 2008
I helped my dad do a lot of research about the condition some years back when he found out he had it. Sometimes with diet changes you can control the gout. Definitely meet up with your doctor regularly.
Best wishes to you Leon :)
By nexy on Dec 16, 2008
@ M. Slade, that’s HILARIOUS! I might write my own ballad to The Gout now!
@ Marissa, I have to laugh to keep from crying!
@ Hostess, it’s getting better
@ Leigh, I saw that. That ad is DISGUSTING! I’m glad I only get it in my foot, and not my hands like that!
By ListenToLeon on Dec 16, 2008
Yeah, could be worse. With your lifestyle you could have the ocular herpes.
By anonymousnupe on Dec 16, 2008
As I also said before, you are no longer considered young or cool once you come down with a condition with “The” in front of the name.
=============
*dead*
By John Gotty™ on Dec 16, 2008
awww, I was wondering where you was… hope u r doing better. My grandma has it too but I’d rather not scare you with all the stories :) Cut the BBQ’s and the booze…
Yo fav Canadian,
Bella
By Bella on Dec 16, 2008
Leon, A nearly fat-free vegetable diet of bean soup and veggies for 30 days knocked out gout in a couple folks I know. If you try it, be prepared to lose 20+ pounds. Eat as much of it as you want, and very important – go on two 20 minute walks each day. After 4 or 5 days you’ll stop be hungry. Add a little baked fish or an egg every few days for protein. No snacks or sweets.
If you’re otherwise healthy, your body should be able to tolerate it. Reduces high blood pressure and marginal diabetes too.
A month from now you might be cured. And of course I gotta say to CYA, check with your doctor first. Good luck.
~ Kit
By Kit (Keep It Trill) on Dec 16, 2008
I don’t know how well anonymousnupe knows you, but what sort of devilish shenanigans could you be involved in that would lead to THE ocular herpes? What fresh hell is the sex act that involves eyeball-to-genitalia contact? I can’t even put my contacts in without backup and reinforcements. Just sayin’…
The gout. Hot damn. You could still be a pimp though. Come on, Leon, the gout is so obviously one of those maladies that calls for a cane! I’m a firm believer in the usage of canes. That way, even if the delivery of your foot to an ass fails you, caning a h*e can be just as satisfying…I’ve been told.
Hahaha, anyway, I hope you feel better soon. Worse comes to worst, you can use this time to work on your Flyguy strut.
By E.Jay on Dec 17, 2008
The Gout. heh heh
By Wonderlove on Dec 17, 2008
E. Jay has a point. You can still be a pimp. But I think you need to change your perspective while suffering from “the gout”. Since you can’t move very well, a healthy woman can get away from you. It’s like I told you before, consider woman who are handicapped, amputees, or dwarves.
I saw this cute little dwarf working at Pappa John’s in Mitchellville. If I weren’t married, I’d have made her mine. Blown that tiny little back OUT.
I know it hurts to move in your condition. That’s why dwarves are ideal. They’re so greatfull to get some, they’ll do ALL work. Just lay there and watch her go.
As a bonus you can get your “Gulliver and the Liliputions” fantacy on.
Plus they got these tiny little baby hands. Makes your dingaling look HUGE. Just like a brown stripper pole.
But hey, dwarves are hard to find. You don’t see them every day. But hold up, I’ve got a back up plan. There are a bunch of fine ass amputees in this area. They be lookin’ good…they’re just missing a limb or two.
Where do you find them? Dude, there’s a war going on. Check the woman’s ward at Walter Reed.
(I’m going staight to hell for that last comment).
By M. Slade on Dec 17, 2008
Hey man, first time I read your site here. I just found out I have “The Gout” too. And I’m only 29. Shits crazy son. Good luck.
By Big Fonz on Dec 17, 2008
stic.man from dead prez had gout in his 20s too. he wound up beating it obviously…so there’s hope.
By Maurice Garland on Dec 17, 2008
You’re not the only one w/an old folks’ affliction. I have “The Pressha”. I can’t be doin’ too much on the food tip. *sigh*
By PBG on Dec 18, 2008
Aww Leon I hope you feel better soon.
@PBG I got “Sugar” so I feel you LOL.
By MissJay on Dec 18, 2008
Hey there Leon! I’ve been away for quite a while. I thought I would drop by and check out what foolishness has transpired in my absence. I can always count on your blog for a good laugh.
By Hypmommy on Dec 21, 2008
yall bet not make fun of ole leons gout. id that the last time he had a flair up. 6 months later i ended up havin hemroids surgery. 80,000 wtfs!
By Cincy on Dec 22, 2008
Leon, Are you on a high blood pressure drug? I just did a bunch of research and found LOTS of young people who developed gout after being on diretic type hypertension drugs,especially long term. It’s happened to my mother in law too. It IS a side effect of the drugs. Just thought you should know. Hypertension isn’t uncommon in African American men, so wondered if it was your problem. In any case, hope you get better soon.
By Clementine on Jan 31, 2009