While I was still suffering from the effects of the gout last week, I saw something that brought some perspective to my plight. I was leaving the Dr.’s office, and I saw a fellow walking his little dog down the street. At first, I didn’t think anything of it. Then, I noticed that although the dog was moving rather quickly, she seemed to be moving a little funny. Upon closer inspection, I saw that this dog only had three legs.
That’s when it hit me: Things could always be worse. My plight would be over in a matter of days, but that little 3-legged bitch has to limp around for the rest of it’s natural life. Although it seemed to have a good little rhythm going when it walked, I’m sure it still sucks when that poor dog sees other dogs doing normal 4-legged dog things, such as scratching fleas and climbing on furniture. Seriously, I hope that dog’s owner is treating her right and taking good care of her.
To be completely honest with you, I did not always have a soft-spot for injured animals. It’s a fact of nature that a wounded animal is the most dangerous kind, because it will do whatever it takes to survive. I learned this firsthand during my youth, thanks to the one-eyed dog that my aunt owned!
One of my great aunts had this little Terrier dog, with two distinct features: a missing eye, and teeth that appeared to be really sharp. I was about 9 or 10 years old at the time, so seeing a dog with a missing eye that hates everyone except the one person it depends on to survive kind of freaked me out. I’m not sure if they make Slick Rick style pirate eye patches for dogs, but this dog probably would have been 10 times less creepy if it had one. Looking at the area of the missing eye was like encountering Medusa: You know you should not look directly at it, but once you do, you are instantly rendered into a rigid statue of horror and disgust.
Whatever traumatic set of circumstances caused the eye loss are probably the same ones responsible for that dog’s hated of anything with a pulse, as well as it’s sharp teeth. I would not have been surprised if I one day decided to creep downstairs to it’s lair and caught it sharpening it’s teeth with a metal file and a flint stone. Then again, that would never have happened. Not because this particular dog wouldn’t attempt to sharpen it’s teeth with a file and some flint, but because I was too terrified to ever go downstairs to that dog’s lair by myself! I had nightmares that he’d one day attack me and steal my eye to replace his own. As you can probably tell, I was a special child…
I never really felt completely comfortable over there, until that one eyed dog kicked the bucket. By that time, I was no longer scared of the thing, just slightly unsettled by it’s appearance. I would say things like “Why can’t someone buy that dog some sunglasses? Not regular ones, but the ones that cover your entire eyes, like Kool Moe Dee or Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart?” Out of respect for the dead, I’ll say that if I were a little dog who lost an eye, I’d probably have a chip on my shoulder, too. I was too young to understand that then, but I do now.
That said, I am looking for investors for my line of custom dog eyepatches. Even if your dog isn’t horribly disfigured and evil, you can give him or her the Slick Rick look every now and then. It’s guaranteed to be a conversation-starter at the dog park! Investors, shoot me an e-mail. Everyone else: don’t try to steal my idea! The patent is pending, dammit.
thats wild im imagining a dog with Kool Moe Dee shades on man i seen a dog fight on this site last week it really creeped me out i never in my life wanna see something like that again. My God I see why they have animal watch groups that stuff is inhuman. Good post and i like your site
Pikahsso
Thank you for blogging on the handicapped dog! I laughed all the way through this! And the ghost of that one eyed dog read it too. He’s comin’ back for you. *boooo, booooo*
every one-eyed dog should get the bret the hitman hart sunglasses with the complimentary sharpshooter with their purchase…
-Ed.
I’m a sucker for injured animals since most folks throw them out like yesterday’s trash. While they may seem scary at first – they tend to be the most grateful animals after they figure out you’re trying to help.
Funny! LOL
i went from “aww poor doggy” to “lmao!! @ “but that little 3-legged bitch has to limp around for the rest of it’s natural life”.
i’ve always wondered what’s going on with these dogs. i’ve seen several 3 legged dogs out here in cali. i even saw a two legged dog and the back of his body was in a puppy wheelchair.
i love animals, i hate to see them injured.
What was that dogs name? I remember him too. LOL @ the dogs ghost coming back for you.
toooooooo funny…i was lmao!
You know, I read a magazine article that said people were so devoted to their canine counterparts that despite the economic downturn, pet owners aren’t willing to cut back on canine-related expenditures.
Not me. If times got bad enough, I’d eat my dog. I have no love for animals. They’re good for a food supply, experimentation, farm work and harvesting some of their body tissue for warmth. Other than that you can have ‘em.
I make no distinction between a dog, a horse, a cat, a rat, a raccoon, a chicken, or a roach. Animals do not belong in a house. That’s why we build homes–to keep animals and the weather out.
Why’s it cool to keep a dog in the house but people will think you’re crazy if you’ve got a howler monkey up in that joint?
Love of animals is based on cuteness. I’ve said it before. If you just kick a cat, the humane society will be all over your ass. But if you bash an opposum’s head in with a brick, no one will sh**. Why?
If you can eat a cow, you can eat a koala bear. In fact, I want to eat a koala bear. His meat looks tender.
My aunt has this frickin’ poodle. Will only feed it this expensive dog food. She was going on and on about how there are no cereal fillers in this food. I’ve seen this mutt drink from the toilet so I doubt he cares about the cereal content of his food.
And tell me this: What the hell did dogs eat before there was canned dog food? Yeah…that’s what I thought.
If I had a dog, he’d be eating table scraps. And that MF better chase those damn kids from across the street out of my yard or he’s going to the pound. He’s gotta earn that half empty corn cob I throw at his head.