A big reason why I am the guy whose exploits you all love to read about here, is thanks to the events of my childhood growing up in Fredericksburg, VA. I was reminded of this the other day, through the magic of Facebook. That morning, I logged on to check my account and saw a friend request from a person I haven’t seen in years: The guy who used to get me sent to the Vice-Principal’s office on a daily basis back in 2nd grade!
This particular fellow and I both share the same last name. We also lived in the same neighborhood for awhile, but took different buses to Hugh Mercer Elementary School each morning. This bus detail is important, because while my bus ride was pleasant(aside from making jokes about my friends Pay-Pay and Rodney), the guy with my last name would get in some kind of trouble with his bus driver every day. Since that particular bus driver was too lazy to walk the kid to the principal’s office personally, he’d ask his name and then tell the Principal after he’d do whatever bus drivers do after all the children leave the bus.
This sucked, because instead of using his own name, the kid would tell the bus driver that his name is “Leon Scott.” As a result, I would get called out of Mrs. Taylor’s class and into the Vice-Principal’s office to get interrogated about things that I didn’t do! It was like an elementary school version of The Shawshank Redemption, only less-violent. This woman’s interrogation methods were no joke. Legend has it, the officers at Guantanamo Bay studied her manuscript before being allowed to question Al-Qaeda suspects. I wasn’t waterboarded or anything, but she was a master of 2nd grade psychological warfare! I can’t remember specifics, but from the way she’d look at me during questioning, I’m going to try my best to re-enact an interrogation scene from her office:
Vice Principal – Why did you do it?
Me – What are you talking about? I didn’t do anything.
Vice Principal – Don’t lie to me little boy! I will step on your little 2nd grade nuts! WHY DID YOU DO IT?!
Me – I’m not lying! I didn’t do anything!
Vice Principal – Santa Claus isn’t real. He’s fake, and he’s fake because I JUST KILLED HIM! Oh, so you’re gonna cry now? What happened to the tough guy that was throwing crayons on the bus? Just like I thought…YOU’SE A B*TCH!!!
Ok, so maybe it wasn’t that bad…but it was bad enough that my mother made the Vice-Principal apologize to me once they found out I really was innocent. So you see, I was the victim of identity theft before identity theft was the cool crime to commit. The internet, Craigslist and Nigerian check fraud scams weren’t around in those days, so this dude was a criminal pioneer. This is why I can’t hold on to any anger, because I would have done the same thing when getting into trouble, had my 2nd grade mind been devious enough to think of it. To seek vengeance, I think I threw rocks at him one day, or set firecrackers off outside his front door. Not sure, since I did so much ignorant mess back in those days. Whatever the case, my get-back was not nearly as sophisticated or clever.
This experience made me realize that I could never fully trust the system. Thus, my “Hustleman” mentality was born. As many of you regular readers know, I takes NO SHEEEEET, offa NO-BODY, and this was the incident that started it all!