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I Lied To Homeless Hitler | Yeah...I said it

I Lied To Homeless Hitler

I lied to a man’s face today, so I want to use this opportunity to come clean and get right with karma. Near my office, there is a vendor cart on the sidewalk set up each day with all kinds of snacks for sale. On the way to that cart, stands a homeless guy with an Adolf Hitler mustache. Just like the snack cart, Homeless Hitler is right there in that same spot daily, extending his hand to everyone who passes by him.

This morning, I decided to buy some gatorade and a muffin from the vendor cart. I walked right past Homeless Hitler and didn’t acknowledge him when he extended his cupped hand without saying anything to me. So once I reached to pay for my stuff, I realized that I would have to pay with a $5 bill and actually end up getting change back in front of Homeless Hitler. So as the vendor gave me my change, I saw Homeless Hitler heading toward me. I realized that confrontation was inevitable!

When Homeless Hitler got about 4 feet away from me, he said “Do you have a dollar?”

Even though I clearly had $3 in my hand, I put it in my pocket, looked him in the eye and said “No. I don’t have a dollar.” I gave him a look that expressed my extreme displeasure at his opportunistic timing and poor choice in mustache grooming. Before you say anything about me joking his appearance, I must say this: He obviously has access to a razor in order to keep that sinister Charlie Chaplin/Nazi fuhrer facial hair looking the way that it does. Furthermore, I hope somebody puts Das Boot in his Hitler-looking ass for bothering people while they’re trying to buy junk food to get them through the workday!

*Update* Here is a link to the Super Bowl commercials from last night. I am now making a preemptive attempt to balance karma, since I’m headed out to get a chicken sandwich and will probably have to walk past Homeless Hitler one more time.

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Comedian, writer and shake dancer on the Chippendale's Senior Circuit.

17 Responses to “I Lied To Homeless Hitler”

  1. Jeff 02. Feb, 2009 at 12:49 pm #

    “I gave him a look that expressed my extreme displeasure at his opportunistic timing and poor choice in mustache grooming.” LMAO

  2. Dom 02. Feb, 2009 at 12:52 pm #

    I try not to give them money anymore. I give them food.

    “Don’t have a dollar for you, but I have a muffin.”

  3. Anthony of Velocity Magazine 02. Feb, 2009 at 1:05 pm #

    Well Leon technically you didnt lie…he asked you if you had a dollar….and you had 3 dollars so you didnt lie…people need to ask for what they want accordingly…lol

  4. Nneka 02. Feb, 2009 at 1:18 pm #

    I would love a picture of Homeless Hitler along with the story. Would that be wrong? Probably.

  5. Herb 02. Feb, 2009 at 2:05 pm #

    Hitler should know better than to ask black people for jack shit.

  6. jkc 02. Feb, 2009 at 3:35 pm #

    there’s a dude outside my office who asks for money everyday…from a hygiene standpoint, dude looks fairly homeless, but he wears different clothes every day.

  7. Allweez 02. Feb, 2009 at 3:53 pm #

    Most days I walk extra slow past my office homeless person so that he doesn’t hear the change in my pocket when I say “Sorry man, no change on me”. Especially when I need it for my afternoon fruit snacks.

  8. clayizaiken 02. Feb, 2009 at 8:09 pm #

    offer to give him the gift of salvation through Jesus and he’ll never bother you again.

  9. !i$@ Bee 02. Feb, 2009 at 11:21 pm #

    You weren’t lyin when you said you didn’t have a dollar. You had a dollar, just not for his ass! This post def. needs a pic, lol.

  10. tracey in Ohio 03. Feb, 2009 at 9:43 am #

    I have to agree w/Dom & Clayizaiken – offer either of those two & he’ll get right out of your face, forever!

  11. R Bean 03. Feb, 2009 at 11:47 am #

    Hilarious!

  12. LiLu 03. Feb, 2009 at 8:52 pm #

    Don’t feel bad. He set you up. And I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible that you don’t have to be nice to anyone sporting a Hitler mustache. True story.

  13. Cephas 03. Feb, 2009 at 10:31 pm #

    any man who mimics Hitlers mustache does not deserve a dime!

  14. Janie 04. Feb, 2009 at 10:28 am #

    I will always give anyone begging whatever I had to give simply because if I was in the situation I’d wnat someone to hand me some money.

  15. SOUTHERN_BELLA 04. Feb, 2009 at 11:11 am #

    YOU SHOULD HAVE MADE HIM SHAVE Hitler mustache FOR A DOLLAR

  16. Rich 09. May, 2009 at 10:22 am #

    I just ignore them in the same way I ignore a persistant salesman. The same neurons fire when pressured concerning money. With that said there are some that do need a hand and do need a handout or even better some food. I had a girlfriend in NYC and we would leave food on a local church steps in the winter where many would sleep for the night.

    On another note, ‘Das Boot’ means ‘The Boat’ in German. Ouch that would really hurt.

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