Earlier this week, I stopped by Mocha Hut to grab a quick bite to eat. Upon leaving, I found myself in a bit of a predicament as I waited for the light to change in order to cross U Street. I was standing next to an older lady, and approaching us from further up the street was a lanky fellow, moving in very spastic fits that resembled the Tazmanian Devil from those old Looney Tunes cartoons. He was also grunting and yelling out obscenities that made no sense whatsoever, like
“F*@K YOU! THE F**KIN’ SUN GOT MY DOG PREGNANT! HIT ME MOTHERF**KER! AAAAARGH!!! YOUR TEETH ARE SEXY!”
I can’t pretend to actually remember the exact words that this guy said, but it was something along those lines. As he approached, I knew that I had two options. Readers take note, because these are the ONLY two ways to successfully avoid crazy people in public places:
Option 1: Avoid eye contact at all costs, remain still, and peek out of the corner of my eyes to keep this fool in my peripheral vision in case he makes a move. That way, I can see it coming and push his crazy ass into oncoming traffic, or deliver a stern shin kick and throat chop from Hell. Yes, I fight dirty.
Who am I kidding? I’m not fighting some tall, smelly, crazy fool if I don’t have to! I’d probably attempt an Adrian Peterson juke move on him to evade the tackle, then run for dear life! I’m too old for that tough-guy stuff.
If you take nothing else from this, remember to avoid making eye-contact. Eye-contact to crazy people is like sh*t to flies: It draws them in.
Option 2: The other option when confronted with a situation like this is to out-crazy the crazy guy. I don’t recommend trying this unless you are pretty sure that the person is not really as crazy as he seems. Out-crazying a crazy person requires you to do what he or she does, but equal their effort or go above it. For instance, in order to out-crazy the Tazmanian Devil man, I would have had to jump up and down, shimmy my shoulders, then start yelling something even more ridiculous than his earlier outburst:
“YOUR PREGNANT DOG IS ON FIRE! OBAMA GOT THREE NIPPLES! I RAPED A KANGAROO IN THE POCKET!!! AAARRRGH!!! THE DAY OF THE GEECHEE IS HERE!!!”
As you can probably tell, you must sacrifice your own dignity and public image in order to use this tactic to scare away crazy people on the street. Not to mention that this maneuver is almost the same thing as playing a game of “Chicken” with someone. If the guy isn’t all that crazy, he’ll be surprised and run away somewhere. However, if this fellow really and truly is crazy, he might attack you like that chimpanzee from the other day. I don’t know if crazy-people bites are like zombie bites, but I wouldn’t take that chance of having him infect you with the crazy people rabies juice in his saliva.
So in essence, there’s really only one way to deal with this type of situation, unless you are feeling adventurous. If so, please get someone to tape your attempt at out-crazying someone crazy, then send it to ListenToLeon.net. It should prove to be entertaining, no matter what happens!
*Edit* I chose Option 1, just in case it’s not crystal-clear!
LMAO!! I needed that. How r u handsome?? Long time no see. We have got 2 hook up. I think I’m heading to Madams or Marvin’s 4 Fat Tuesday. Call Leigh and we will Laissez les bon Temps Roulez!!
“F*@K YOU! THE F**KIN’ SUN GOT MY DOG PREGNANT! HIT ME MOTHERF**KER! AAAAARGH!!! YOUR TEETH ARE SEXY!”
LMAO!!!
maybe the dude had Tourette’s. Those folks are wildly entertaining.
So which option did you take…1 or 2????
LOL!
Another instance of a “disturbed person” is this Asian guy at my job. He sweeps the hallway and everytime someone walks by he will stare them directly in the eyes and start mumbling in his language. The stare he gives is utterly terrifying. My co-workers and I began to believe he is telling information to someone in an earpiece device in his ear. But then one day he was laughin to himself so I don’t know, it does get lonely in those hallways…lol
LMAO… that shat had me crying young!!!!!
@ The Common Share, Natalie invited Leigh and I to stop by her birthday celebration, so you’ll probably see me there. I can’t get Mardi Gras drunk with you all right now! LOL
@ Wonderlove, it really was that random. I tried my best not to look directly at him, but not to let him out of my sight either!
@ Milkmayun, after he passed me, the guy proceeded to walk out into oncoming traffic and challenge a truck to a fight before getting out of the street. I think it was more CRAZY than Tourettes.
@ Bre, I chose Option 1. I just edited the entry to reflect that.
@ JoJo, I need you to be careful around those crazy folks at your job!
@ Phoenix7, I’m glad you liked it that much!
Are kangaroo pockets soft or furry?
“Raped a kangaroo in the pocket!” In the pocket, though??
Lawdhammercies, I’m done!
@ Lemmonex, Kangaroo’s pouches are a strong layer of skin and mucous covering nipples for the Joey to feed from until it’s fully developed and ready to leave the pouch. The mom licks the area “clean” so the inside is mostly mucous and whatever other nasty substances are inside a Kangaroo’s mouth.
Just to make things clear, I DID NOT discover that in the manner which was mentioned in this entry! There’s actually a photo of the inside of one over here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kangaroo
@ PBG, glad that amuse you :)
I am so mad at you for making me lose my composure and FTFO at work! Damn, that was funny! The random rants had me on the floor!
P.S. And because I was laughing so hard I had to interpret this blog entry into American Sign Language for coworkers that were trying to figure out why I had my mouth stretched open like that! I hate you for that too, LOL!
Fu@#ing Hilarious!!!!
i was on the bus recently and this dude sitting behind me all of a sudden screams out “I’M TALKIN’ BOUT SPACESHIPS, MUTHAFU**A!! SPACESHIPS!!!!!!!”
@ Miss Behave, I would have paid to have seen you interpret that outburst in sign language!
@ Hamptonian, thank you
@ jkc, that’s really funny. Washington DC is something else!
Leon, I just gotta come back out there so I can see some of the characters in the stories you tell! Maybe I’ll interpret them into ASL for you in real time, LOL!
yo.
LOLOLOL. it’s 4:20 on the 24th dog. just read this joint. and i’m laughing so loud because it’s the funniest thing i’ve ever read. “THE YEAR OF THE GEECHEE IS HERE!!” good god. i think i’m about to start gong in on posts like this. THIS is the type of fucking blog i like to read dude. and i get home on friday. i’m going to that exact spot, because i know EXACTLY where you were, and i’ma find taz. yeah, i nicknamed him taz. i want to just chop it up with him for a bit.
yeah, man. that means i’m going w/ #2. i play no games. call this a game of “chicken” if you want. wish me luck.
i actually know a girl with three nipples! she’s really proud of her trio!
“However, if this fellow really and truly is crazy, he might attack you like that chimpanzee from the other day. I don’t know if crazy-people bites are like zombie bites, but I wouldn’t take that chance of having him infect you with the crazy people rabies juice in his saliva.”
You are really crazy…
Hilarious and sadly true. You really have one option unless you really loose it too.
But there should be a way for the city to take off its common well know crazies.
The crazy person I know thought we were married cause she asked me to finger her and stripped in front of me. When I said I think we should stop talking she sent me a txt threatening to kill me and told her pastor that she had sex. All in all pastor believe ME the sane person, and apologized to me. SHE STILL TALKS TO ME even after I replied to her who is this and don’t talk to me. WTF
…waste of time