I’m sure that by now, you’re all familiar with the story of the chimpanzee who snapped and attacked that woman last week. I’m not going to make too many jokes about that, because I’m sure every comedian on Earth has already beat me to them. The only thing I will say is that I dont blame that police officer for shooting the monkey when it had him cornered. I love animals, but when they attack, I am a firm believer in the law of the wild: survival of the fittest. If a 200 pound chimp were to come after 174 pound Leon, he’d probably be more fit, and therefore f*ck me all the way up! If a 200 pound chimp were to try that mess against a 174 pound Leon armed with a loaded handgun, I would automatically become higher in nature’s pecking order. Therefore, I’d have the right to light that chimp up like Denzel Washington’s character at the end of Training Day in the name of self-preservation!
I always thought it would be cool to have a pet monkey. Not a big chimpanzee, but one of those smaller ones, like Marcel from Friends. I’d teach it how to do cool stuff, like get my mail…Fetch me a drink…Steal WI-Fi signals from my neighbors…Throw feces at people I don’t like. You know, the basics.
I know I’m probably alone on this one, but I’m going to do some research to see how smelly monkeys are, what their usual temperament is like, and whether or not they’re going to cock-block whenever I bring a woman home. Ultimately, those(and exotic pet laws) will be the deciding factor as to whether I ever decide to get one to do my evil bidding…I mean, be my pet.
I always wanted a pet dolphin, like Marine Boy and the kid from Flipper (Flip her?! But I just met her!).
LTL, you do realize, don’t you, that you don’t actually have to own a real one in order to “spank your monkey,” right? Just checking, maing.
Ha!!! I could soooooo see you with a lil Marcel lol
Hehehheh “Steal Wi-Fi signals…”
Leon – what would you name your monkey? I mean, your hairy one – I mean – your PET?
Since its the christmas of nipple slips, i thought you might enjoy this little one by Beyonce from the oscars!
http://theblemish.com/2009/02/beyonce-slipped-a-nipple-at-the-academy-awards/beyonce-slip-zoom/
@ Pirate, Beyonce and Solange in the same week?! It really must be Titty Christmas!!!
@ Marissa, I haven’t decided on a name. LOL @ the trouple you had asking that question :)
@ MsDailey, true.
@ Anonymousnupe, I’m not a strong enough swimmer to own a dolphin!
Congratulations on another Express quoting!!!
Are you crazy! Those little MFers are vicious, too. I got bit by one that my niece’s neighbor owned and I had to have 5 stitches. Hef bought it for her… Hef needs to stop going around buying these broads monkeys, I tell you what.
Sorry, flashbacks, but no to monkeys. Hate monkeys. Hmph.
The magic words are “assistive animal”. Basically, you need to convince the gov’t that you need the monkey to help you do stuff that you can’t do for yourself due to some disability. See, that gout could come in handy yet!
a pet monkey has to be good for 1…maybe 2 pieces of pussy per week. sounds like a no brainer to me.
LOL @ the fact that you’re still traumatized by the little monkey, Mary! I understand why you feel that way, though. Glad you’re alright.
@ Milkmayun, that’s brilliant! You are the man, good sir!
@ Cephas Lives, I’m going to get a monkey that can play the saxophone…or the jazz flute like Ron Burgundy LOL
Do you really want a monkey? If you do, then good! I have a Capuchin monkey named Stevie. He is the most loving and adorable creature i’ve ever seen. Please don’t get a spider monkey, though. They do bite. People say ALL monkeys bite, which is not true. only very few species of monkeys bite, like the marmoset and the spider monkey. When the marmoset monkey Bites, it does not hurt. it actually kind of tickles. so, please, get a capuchin monkey. There awesome. take my advice. Get a monkey no matter how much people tell you not to get one. Get a Capuchin. They rock! To get one, go to http://www.petprimates.com. (:
You are a fucking moron.
@ Lilly lola, thanks for the link
@ Lee, I don’t see what people get out of leaving simpleton comments like that. I could retaliate and call you a punk bitch since that’s what you’re acting like…but…
You know what? Fuck it. You ARE a punk bitch! No need to sugar-coat it.
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