Who Let the Crackhead on the Court?

Washington Sports Club is slipping! As much as memberships cost there, one would think that it would be out of a crackhead’s price range. They must have a “Get Your Life Together” discount package or something, because one of the fellows I played basketball against over there was clearly on that stuff…   

I started back playing ball and lifting weights after my last attack of The Gout. I’m working on the healthier lifestyle thing, and it’s going great so far. I wear shirts less than LL Cool J when I’m home. This Summer I fully intend to be the black Matthew McCanaughey of Georgia Ave, jogging with no shirt on and playing frisbee all over the damned place.

Fast-forward to the other day…My team just won on the basketball court, and I played an ok game. Not up to my “in-shape” standard, but way better than that “I can’t feel my legs anymore” game I put up here last Spring. The next five guys steps on the court, and I notice that one of them looked rather crackish. Crackhead-esque. Crackheadian in stature.  He was about 5’10” tall, really skinny and had a flat-top haircut with little sprouts on top that looked like dreads that weren’t purposely put in place, but just started forming out of sheer neglect. He was wearing a teal t-shirt tucked into some young-ass gym shorts, along with light blue Chuck Taylors.

Yeah, I said it! Chucks on a basketball court! I mean, Wilt Chamberlain and them played in Chucks back in the 60’s, but that was because they HAD TO! There is no modern-day excuse to hoop in Chucks, because just about every shoe on the market offers better support. He may as well have been out there in a pair of Crocs!

Oh, did I mention that he smelled like Oscar the Grouch’s roommate? His stench wasn’t workout funk, because I could understand that. It was the kind of funk that comes from someone who hasn’t bathed in days. This fellow has been wallowing in his own filthy stank, and he had the nerve to get on the court in a nice, clean, overpriced gym?! That’s not even the worst part: I’ll give you one guess as to who he decided to point to and say “I’ll guard this guy!”

Normally, I’d be happy to have someone who weighs 60 pounds and sucks trying to guard me. However, since I had to adjust to that stench, it was irritating to say the least. Then the guy started complaining about stuff that made no sense. He’s standing still in the lane while folks are fighting for rebounds, and he got mad and complained because I stepped on his punk ass foot before coming down with the ball. I responded by saying “Man, nobody told you to hoop in some God-damned Chuck Taylors in 2009! Quit crying!”

So of course, he wanted the ball the next play, so I left him wide open so someone would give it to him. Once I started guarding him, he decides he wants to hook me with his elbow to get around me…AT THE THREE-POINT LINE! Nobody does that shit up there! That’s something you try to get away with near the basket, but not in plain view of everybody. So I took my arm and brushed his skinny elbow off of me, then smelled my shirt to make sure none of his funk lingered on my clothes. The guy had to nerve to get mad and call a foul. I laughed, let him have the ball, then spent the rest of the game leaving him wide open, since it was painfully obvious that he was self-checked and I didn’t need to waste energy chasing his Pookie from New Jack City looking funky black ass up and down the court. It proved a sound strategy and we won in quick fashion.

Washington Sports Club, I’m going to need you all to be more selective about whom you give memberships to. If a guy tries to trade a membership for a Nintendo Wii with the wires hanging out the back of his bag, it’s probably not a good look. If he smells like death warmed up in the microwave before his workout, you may not want to give him access either. If his payment package includes the phrase “Come on man! I’ll suck yo’ diiiiiick” then this is a very bad sign.

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21 Responses to “Who Let the Crackhead on the Court?”

  1. E.Jay 24. Feb, 2009 at 10:30 am #

    Hahahaha! OMG the whole time I was reading, I was thinking “Pookie?! Leon played ball with Pookie?” I was also thinking about dude with that greasy bag of cheeseburgers on Menace II Society. Lol @ Chuck Taylors. Blame Kanye for knee-grows running around thinking they are “retro”. I’m surprised he hadn’t claimed they were vintage and tried to sell those joints on the street, or Craigslist, which I have determined, from previous experience, is the “on the come-up” crackhead’s version of eBay.

  2. Bre 24. Feb, 2009 at 10:34 am #


  3. Tedi 24. Feb, 2009 at 10:57 am #

    haha hilarious, there’s quite a few of those crackheads at my gym too. There’s quite a few characters at gyms nowadays and I’m sorry to say that the token crackhead is not the worse of them.

  4. Gureala 24. Feb, 2009 at 11:39 am #

    “Crackheadian in stature”…hilarious!

  5. Jabari Talib 24. Feb, 2009 at 12:08 pm #

    The Fiend album pictured was okay. Street Life was much better. I know this statement has very little to do with your post, but I felt the need to throw that info out there.

  6. Kindra 24. Feb, 2009 at 12:13 pm #

    “…I notice that one of them looked rather crackish. Crackhead-esque. Crackheadian in stature.”


  7. The Common Share 24. Feb, 2009 at 12:26 pm #

    LMAO!! Why do I read these posts during conference calls. You think I’d learn by now. Pretty sure I had my phone on mute or I will need to hideout in my office for a few hours. This should be in th “Best Of….”

  8. SOUTHERN_BELLA 24. Feb, 2009 at 12:42 pm #

    I agree with Common Share this has to be in the “Best of”…Leon I must ask why havent you written a book because this mess only happens to you and it clearly entertains the masses. Im pretty sure it would be a best seller Im sure you could even out sell Steve Harveys new book :)

  9. caviar jones 24. Feb, 2009 at 2:35 pm #

    LMAO @ Oscar the Grouch’s roommate! Imma have to definitely put that one in rotation. If regular people had a crackhead’s ingenuity, he could rule the world! No more waitin in line at the club and no more buyin drinks for chicks. If you notice, a crack head always got a woman!

  10. MissE 24. Feb, 2009 at 3:20 pm #

    I’m DYING at this…. It’s damn funny Leon. One of your best….

  11. MissE 24. Feb, 2009 at 3:23 pm #

    Oh and BTW, I’m not sure whats goin on with WSC. When I was a member last year, there was a dude in there who was ALWAYS talking himself and grunting and screaming his way through his workouts. Then he would smile and say hello like it was no big deal. Then go back to talking to himself. Like FULL conversations. He was crazy…

  12. Jeff 24. Feb, 2009 at 4:13 pm #

    aww man funny shit, this made my day…aww shit crocs lmao

  13. Sexy Les 24. Feb, 2009 at 5:52 pm #

    If you think I was laughing my ass off at this story, you’re dumb! That was hilarious….

  14. Sexy Les 24. Feb, 2009 at 5:54 pm #

    Awww hell I meant if you thought I wasn’t… Lol, see why I just read and don’t comment

  15. anonymousnupe 24. Feb, 2009 at 6:18 pm #

    All I could picture is Eddie Griffin in “Date Movie” when he hooped with the shirtless, sweat-drenched father of the bride-to-be and, in super slo-mo, took a mouth full of vile, putrid, rancid, hirsute body water right in his gaping mouf. Dang, just ruined my appetite.

  16. Metro Man 25. Feb, 2009 at 10:31 am #

    This is teh funny!!

    I was picturing Tyrone Biggums as I read.

  17. reuben 02. Mar, 2009 at 1:55 pm #

    I hate to say this, but encounters like these have inspired me to use WSC clubs far from my ‘hood. (Like Bethesda, for instance) I used to go to Silver Spring a lot more, but… well.

  18. hbviijnoouu 17. Jan, 2010 at 4:54 am #

    LOL, hell naw. Dude said he stepped on his punk ass foot, that shit had me rolling.

  19. cute kitten 28. Apr, 2011 at 12:26 pm #

    I visited a lot of website but I think this one holds something extra in it.


  1. DCBlogs » DC Blogs Noted - 25. Feb, 2009

    […] to Leon is forced to question the membership policies of his “nice, clean, overpriced gym.”  Who Let the Crackhead on the Court may not be safe for work due to colorful language and enough laughs to let your co-workers know […]

  2. Yeah…I said it » Blog Archive » 2009’s Funniest Blog Entries - 04. Jan, 2010

    […] Who knew that some crackheads have gym memberships? http://listentoleon.net/index.php/2009/02/24/who-let-crackhead-on-the-court/ […]

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