Anybody who knows me personally is probably wondering “Leon, why are you up at 5:00 AM on a Saturday morning?” I don’t even think I know anyone else with a legitimate reason to be awake at this hour…Still, the reason I’m awake is because of the live epidose of “Cops” that just took place on my front yard.
All of the usual elements of that show were there: Obviously high addict? Check. Partial nudity? Check. Neighbor who obviously had something to do with it playing the victim? Check. People who don’t speak English? Check. Good Samaritan who called the police? Check. Angry black man who only came downstairs to see what the HELL was making so much noise at the butt-crack of dawn? Check. Guess which one I was?
If you guessed “Angry Black Man” then you know me quite well. It takes a lot to wake me up when I’m sleeping. I could probably sleep through a home invasion as long as the burglars don’t start shooting. That said, the sound of some shrill screams woke me up from my unconscious state. At first, I thought they were a part of the dream I was having. In it, I was pet-sitting when all of the sudden, the cat I was watching started making noises like it was in heat, but they kind of sounded like meows of “HELP!” When I walked over, it looked at me, sat up and started speaking English in a voice that sounded like Kelsey Grammar.
The cat said “Look sir, I intend to leave this place, because I cannot stand another day of the kind of treatment that I endure here. You can help me leave, or you can turn a blind eye. Either way, I am making my move with or without your assistance. If you open the door and help me off this couch, I shall forever be in your debt.”
It was at that point that I heard a car honking, which brought me out of my slumber. I looked out the window and saw some two Hispanic folks in a car across the street, looking in my front yard, while one kept honking the horn. I also realized that those screams of “HELP” were real, and coming from some lady who sounded middle-aged…and high.
In case you’re wondering, yes, it’s very possible to sound “high.” If you’ve seen enough drug addicts in your lifetime, you can usually kind of tell from small nuances if a person is on that stuff. The sound of this woman’s voice, coupled with the fact that she had no pants or draws on in 30 degree weather, kind of let me know that she was higher than a skyscraper.
I then saw this old man who lives up the street walking over with a blanket for the lady. He was obviously the person who called the police, because he arrived right when they did. When the police questioned the lady, I think she planned on making a run for it, but things didn’t quite work out. She got about three steps, then fell over in the street and ended up mooning the entire neighborhood.
It turns out that she was partying with one of my neighbors next door, who was yelling to the police “She tore my house up! Get her out of here!” The lady obviously got high at this guy’s place, because no one willingly lets someone acting like that in their home…but you damn sure kick them out before even giving them the chance to get fully dressed if it’s that serious!
The police went inside, and I had to watch to see if they were going to find illegal contraband in his house and haul him in, too. Alas, I only got to see one person taken away tonight, and that was naked drug addict who chose my front yard to scream on instead of his! I guess since I’m up now and can’t get back to sleep, I should do some laundry or something…Maybe clean clothes will take me out of “Angry Black Man” mode.
I gotta agree with what you said! You always know when someone is high. Their voice gets all Alicia Keys-like, and 8 times out of 10, they’ll hit the lean while in the middle of a sentence.
lmao @
“I was pet-sitting when all of the sudden, the cat I was watching started making noises like it was in heat, but they kind of sounded like meows of “HELP!””
Seriously.
LMAO!! Only you man, only you!! You need 2 have a camera implanted in your eye so we can go on these “Adventures of Leon” with you.
I’m still laughing that the cat in your dream was talking like Kelsey Grammer. But when you were telling that part, I was imagining the voice of Stewie. I have NO idea why. LOL!
Anyway, I remember those late-night sirens well when I lived in the city. Sorta lived at a hot spot, so there were MANY a late-nights/early mornings of abrupt and unwanted wake ups. LOL! Knowing me, I would have had a camera ready….after getting over being pissed about being awakened.
LOL @ the cat in your dream…
lol the cat stole the story
‘The cat said “Look sir,…..’
I think I just died from laughing.
LMAO @ your dream, AND the fact that the lady was naked from the waist down. Yuck.
You have a real knack for story-telling…
Yeah, I think your dreams are stranger than mine, lol.
L