The Black Card: More Trouble Than It’s Worth?
Posted by ListenToLeon on
March 27, 2009
A few nights ago, my “black card” was called into question when I started singing along to I just wanna use your love toniiiiiight” upon hearing it played in public. When I told this to my friend Herb, he said “Yanno, the more I think about it, what has the black card really gotten us? Sometimes I wanna give that shit back!”
Instantly, I thought about it: Maybe Herb was on to something!
Maintaining your black card can be quite a thankless job! Doing things that are stereotypically described as “black” can come with a lot of bonus baggage. For example:
- Bad credit for those who choose to adopt the “Ball out ’till you fall out” or “Fake it ’till you make it”mentality. Living beyond your means is a recipe for stress and disaster. Stop trying to show off and keep up with the Jones.
- Heart disease and high cholesterol from eating all kinds of soul food, drinking bum juice(malt liquor and anything else on that particular part of the bodega cooler) along with the the crappy, incredibly old snacks they sell in most corner stores.
- External pressure to pimp, coming from friends and relatives who believe everything moving with a vagina can and should be f*cked. If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you son…
- Overcooking the flavor right out of steaks. No need to char that bitch beyond recognition. A little bit of red won’t kill you. I’m not telling you to make your steaks so rare that you can suck blood out of them like a vampire, but it’s not pork or poultry so you don’t have quite as much to worry about if it’s not completely scorched.
- Only being able to listen to certain music around your friends without having to deal with jokes. F*ck it. If you want to listen to some Red Hot Chili Peppers, listen to some damned Red Hot Chili Peppers! don’t let anyone steal your joy as you dance like Carlton Banks!
- “Talking Black.” What the f*ck is “black talk?” What is “white talk?” Just be yourself, and express yourself clearly. Nothing else really matters.
- Instantly becoming the go-to expert on all things black people when around non-black friends, co-workers and people from other countries.
- Instantly becoming the liability if you get pulled over by the police while with non-black friends or co-workers. Unless your white friends are simpletons or sh*t-faced drunk, shut the Hell up and let them do the talking!
- The assumption that black guys are hung low is a great thing if your wang is Leoninan in nature, and can back it up the claims to the proper extent. However, if God skipped your number in the big d*ck line, it may work to your disadvantage and get you made fun of.
- Sometimes, the black guy isn’t the one you want on your basketball team. Don’t just assume that because someone is tall, black and at the playground, he can hoop. It’s not always the case. The black card will have you believe that he is less of a man for not having any game. A waste of height? Yes. Less of a man? That’s just harsh and excessive.
You see my point…While having the black card has it’s advantages, it usually gets you labeled, in trouble, or flat out denies you opportunities to enjoy yourself. Just do you, and don’t let other people’s expectations box you in!
20 Responses to “The Black Card: More Trouble Than It’s Worth?”
You forgot about Black people not being able to swim. I’m not the best example because I can’t even float, (sad, indeed) but not ALL Blacks can’t swim.
IJS…
By Ms_Slim on Mar 27, 2009
Leon,
The higher we as African Americans rise in social hierarchy, the more tenuous the social construct of blackness becomes. For instance, I have a secret admiration for John Mayer’s music. My white friends do not understand it, but f* it son, I rock with John all day. There are a ton of things I do and I am sure others do that aint “black” but its fun anyway, like paintballin. Ah well, I fucks with the black card when its convenient.
P.S. Enjoy some of that Cornel West I dropped on yall asses. LMAO…
By caviar jones on Mar 27, 2009
Excellent. I’m going to have to direct folks here next time my Black Card is pulled.
By Kenya on Mar 27, 2009
“…if your wang is Leoninan in nature…” OMG! LOL! LOL!
By Natalie on Mar 27, 2009
1. I loooove me some John Mayer,Dave,and a whole bunch of other “white” sh*t. Leon, I must say thank you for writing this cause the Black card aint all that. The balling outta control reference was so on point and yes I can GET MY HAIR WET AND STILL LOOK GOOD!!!
By Ericka on Mar 27, 2009
HAHAHAHH, yes!
Its like, dammit, just cuz i’m black and i’m from long beach don’t mean i CRIP WALK sucka!!!
By Velvet on Mar 27, 2009
If I had a nickel for every time someone called my Black card into question, there’d be no recession. *sigh*
I gave up on the notion a long time ago. I’m called out by both blacks AND others for “doing White sh*t”. I’ve learned to just do me. The rest of them can go kick rocks.
By Miss Behave on Mar 27, 2009
Now that I think about it, I don’t think anyone has every called my Black Card into question. But hey, it’s still good to have.
And yes, I CAN SWIM! lol…
By brran1 on Mar 27, 2009
lol all you can do is just do you. i get called out doing white stuff but who cares. it is what it is. matter of fact im listening to alanis morrisette RIGHT NOW lol
By tayeski on Mar 27, 2009
Damn, I comply with none of the “black card” specifications, particularly the last one. I’m a total waste of height. Does this mean my “black credit” isn’t good enough to…aw f*ck it…it’s early, and I just lost the relevance of the metaphor. Luckily I like Oreos, b/c I’ve been called one most of my life.
By E.Jay on Mar 28, 2009
I like E.Jay grew up being called an Oreo! LOL and for the record I cant swim!
Good comment about the steaks. When will our people learn that getting medium-well will change your life! Nothing worse than a burnt up steak.
By Leigh on Mar 28, 2009
I CAN swim and I rock to Maroon 5 and Jay-Z on the same playlist. I’m SOOOO glad you posted that about the steaks – STOP ordering WELL DONE!!! Good lord – try Medium-well and then be like me and try Medium! Just do you and minding other peoples business – no need to worry about what color your card is!
By Carmen on Mar 28, 2009
I didn’t know liking my steak cooked all the way was a black thing.
The more you know.
By MDUBB on Mar 28, 2009
I listen to Red Hot Chili Peppers, but I bob my head like I was listening to Dre.
By Omari on Mar 28, 2009
I’m from Oregon suburbs and I think I didn’t earn my “card” until I was about 23. Even now eyebrows are raised as I rock out to Christina Aguilera, Maroon 5, and Fall Out Boy. But at least I have good credit.
By Miss E on Mar 29, 2009
I’m w/MDUBB about steak. Sorry I gotta have well done.
I’m been told I sound white on the phone. Fine by me, let them customers calling think I’m a white lady. Bet I’ll keep my job sounding “white” longer than they do talking slang all the time. LOL Doesn’t bother me at all. It’s whateva.
By MissJay on Mar 30, 2009
the black card will get you fucked up when the only other black person at your job does something stupid like get arrested and walked out of the building for late child support payements. shit like that is the reason im now classfying myself as mulatto.
By Cephas on Mar 30, 2009
LMAO @ Cephas
By MissJay on Mar 31, 2009
True Leon while I love being black thats not all I am, thats just the beginning.
By Phoenix7 on Mar 31, 2009