This past weekend, I had an epiphany. Not a Chrisette Michelle “I’m leaving your stankin’ ass” type of epiphany, but I did realize one universal truth: I was put on this Earth to tell the world about the crazy stuff that I witness. I realized this after experiencing something errily similar to a hilarious stand-up routine from comedian John McBride about a waitress with a mustache.
I don’t want to butcher McBride’s routine because I can’t tell it nearly as funny as he does, but he wrote about encountering a waitress at a restaurant who had a mustache which was obviously shaped up with some clippers. Like, perfectly groomed, on some Chauncey Billups sh*t. I’m not even going to ruin the punchline to the joke, because it’s something I strongly recommend seeing if you ever get a chance to catch his act. That said, this Saturday I had an experience that was just as surreal.
I went to brunch with my Mom, my Grandma, my sister, my cousin and her friend in downtown Silver Spring. The place was kind of empty compared to how it usually is when all of us do our every-couple-of-months brunch get togethers there, so our waitress was extra attentive to our table. Normally that’s a good thing, but not today. Not around my family, since the waitress had a mustache. You all know me…I’m never one to shy away from making jokes. Just know that I got it from growing up around people who are just as quick to clown folks. Here are some exceprts from the table conversation:
Grandma: That woman has a mustache!
Mom: It looks like Hitler.
Me: Mom, the lady is right over there! Stop that…
My Cousin: Yeah well, she knows she has a mustache. It’s not even subtle! She ain’t trying to hide it.
Mom: It reminds me of this story from school, where this lady that visited the class had a thick mustache and got mad when one student made a joke in the back of the room. She tried to tell the principal that I didn’t have control of my class. I told her that one student out of 30 making a joke is nothing. What I wanted to say was “You need to shave off that giant, horrible mustache!”
Me: How big was her mustache? Groucho Marx? Steve Harvey? Dude from The Whispers?
Mom: It was a full mustache. She tried to get emotional after telling on my class, saying “It’s hereditary! My whole family has facial hair.” I wanted to say “That doesn’t mean you can’t wax or shave it!”
Me: Yeah…If I have to shave every day for work, she should, too. Wait a minute…The waitress is coming back! I don’t want her to do my food like those kids from Domino’s“
As you can see, I was born to talk trash and entertain people. Why else would I have grown up with the family that I did, and why else would I keep finding myself in situations like this? It’s meant to be, dammit!
aww man that sounds just like my family lol
Man leon your family is still nicer than my family because after we ate my nana would have pulled that lady to side and told her she needs to do something about that. Or my mom would have slipped her some extra tip money and told her to go get that lip waxed…
LMAO @ “dude from The Whispers”, you mean the twins? their mustaches are INTENSE!!!!
SON.. I’M SO DONE bwaaaaaaaaaahahahaaa
and yes you get it from yo mama and grandma LOL
Jesus christ some1 needs to strap her down and shave her mustach off…