I keep hearing about a pork flu outbreak in Mexico, Southern California and parts of Texas. A pork flu, on the nicest weekend of the year so far, weather-wise?! I smell a CONSPIRACY!!!
Seriously…Some treacherous son of a bitch is waging biological warfare against all us cookout lovers with dreams of barbecue ribs dancing through our heads. If I find out who masterminded this tainted pork plot, I shall dispense the full power of my size 11 shoe, square in his ass. When this happens, I will need to bring a surgical team with me to retrieve my foot afterward, as well as a biohazard expert to sanitize said foot. The fact that I have worked all of this out lets you know how angry I am about swine being tampered with.
The homie Anderson Cooper has all the swine flu facts that you need, so once you read that, you’ll be informed. Then, you can join me as I search for the mastermind behind this epidemic, and join in as I beat that scumbucket within an inch of his life. If it’s a woman behind this, I’ll let you ladies adminster the beating for me, while tape it so we can watch and laugh later on while drinking in celebration!