Easy Curves

The other night while watching the meltdown of Steve-O on MTV, I saw an infomercial which compelled me to write about it. That infomercial: Easy Curves bust enhancing exercise equipment. When I first noticed the commercial featuring women playing with a phallic object in low-cut tops, I thought it was some kind of joke. I was waiting for Bob from Enzyte to jump out of nowhere with that giant grin on his face. Now that I’ve had a chance to look online, I see that it’s a real product which people say actually works.  

Ladies, as low-budget as this commercial is, I’m all for anything that keeps breasts from sagging. As great a product as it is, this isn’t the type of thing that you can just give to someone, is it? I can already see someone’s Christmas being ruined by a husband getting one of these for his wife.

Wife: What the Hell is this?

Husband: It’s Easy Curves! It’s a natural way to lift and firm the breast area. No surgery required!

Wife: Don’t you like my breasts? What are you trying to say?

Husband: Umm…Merry Christmas baby! You know I love you, right?

Wife: Go f*ck yourself.

Fellas, let’s avoid this scenario by finding graceful ways to bring up the subject of saving your lady from a lifetime of droopy, floppy flapjack titties. Maybe offer to take her on a trip, then talk about how much exercise you have to do in order to be ready for the beach. You could also bribe one of her friends with nice breasts to extol the virtues of Easy Curves, but this might be risky since it requires you to openly admit to the friend that you’ve been looking at her chest. Subliminal messages might be the way. Record the commercial(or use the YouTube clip above) and play it for her softly as she sleeps, over and over again. Then watch late night cable with her in the hopes that she sees it, and decides to order it. It’s kind of desperate, but I guess it has less sting than saying “Woman if you don’t do something now, you’ll be able to play hackey sack with those thing in 10 years!”

This was another ListenToLeon public service announcement. I am doing my part to help America…No, THE WORLD, in the effort to preserve the perkiness of nice breasts, one of the greatest natural resources on Earth.